Episode 3 (Final)- Perfection Is a Lie You Keep Believing (Melody Copy)
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Welcome to the Starlit Success Podcast. I am your host, Jessica Gaines, and this is episode three. We're gonna talk about that a little bit, um, in a few minutes. So today I actually wanna talk about something that I think a lot of us struggle with and that is perfectionism and really how. As much as you think that it might be working for you, it's, it's really working against you.
This is something that I've, I don't wanna say struggled with my whole life, but I've,, I've been guilty of , in the past when, , I'd be interviewing for a job and they'd say, , what is one of your weaknesses? And I would always use perfectionism because it sound,, it still sounded.
Good in a sense that it wasn't necessarily a weakness, but there is. There is some truth to that.
Perfect. [00:01:00] Is this. Ideal image. And if you think about it, is it even real? Like what? What is perfect? What is your definition of perfect? Because your definition of perfect might not necessarily be the next person's definition of perfect. So it's like a marker that you keep extending out until you. you just delay your progress for so long that it's, it's wasting time. And the reason I had mentioned episode three and , we'll talk about that, is because I thought for a second like, does it have to be episode three? What if I want it to be later on? What if I wanna just record it today, but maybe I wanna do a different sequence of.
Topics in a row. Maybe perfectionism doesn't exactly fall in that order. Maybe it's gonna be episode seven instead of three. And I'm like, what am I doing? I'm literally [00:02:00] overthinking. Whether or not I should say episode three or not. And maybe,, maybe that's a lesson learned, maybe going forward.
I don't say the episode number because then it leaves more freedom to choose where I place it. Maybe that's just the title. But this is something that I think many of us do. We just sit there and we like play something over and over in our head, or just keep tweaking it or keep refining it , and it's almost like an obsessive.
Disorder where you never really know if it's ever gonna be ready, if it's ever gonna be done.
So I actually looked up the definition of perfectionism. I have, I don't know why. I really like to know the actual definitions of words, because sometimes I think people can put their own meaning to them. The textbook definition is to achieve beyond what is reasonably expected.
And I caught myself doing this again, with these podcasts. I'm planning the podcast. I know the message that I wanna get [00:03:00] across. I, like most of us suffer, I feel like I've got a little a DD brain and my mind can wander and I can go off on tangent. So , I need notes in front of me for me to stay on track and for me to be able to convey the message that I actually wanna get across without sounding like I'm all over the place.
So I recorded a couple episodes and then I looked back and I noticed, you know, my eyes are kind of moving around, which I think to me is human. I feel like that's what kind of gives across the,, the energy and the vibe is your eye movements, your eye motion, and it's a way of expressing yourself.
And there is this creepy feature. And this recording software where it will correct your eye contact. Okay. So if you're looking down, if I'm looking up, if I'm looking to the side, which I always look all over the place when I'm talking 'cause I'm kind of like searching for the right word or I'm [00:04:00] thinking of the, I don't know, the memory or the thought or whatever it is.
I think that's pretty normal for people to kind of look around. So there's this feature where it will correct your eye gaze so that you're looking at the camera, even if you're looking around. So I was playing around with it and I was like no. . It was like this blank stare.
And even though my like head's moving and stuff and my eyes just never move, and I'm like, , i'm preaching the fact that we shouldn't be perfect and then I'm gonna sit here and use a tool that's making me look perfect. It, it didn't feel right. So you're gonna see my eyes move around and, I just had to accept that.
I don't care. I'm not perfect. I'm not trying to be perfect, but. How can I preach that if I'm gonna be the one not practicing what I preach? So you're gonna see me look at notes here and there to keep me on track. It is what it is. So one of the, the guess problems or, um, consequences [00:05:00] to being perfect.
Is that excessive self criticism. Like you're overly harsh and you just find fault with your own work and your own efforts. Or you're, you're scared of failing. You're scared of someone judging you just kind of like I was, you know what, if someone judges me, if I look at my notes like, who freaking cares?
If that's what they're worried about, then this probably isn't the podcast for them anyway. And the thing is, is that. A lot of the flaws that we have, most people have them too. So why can't we just embrace them and celebrate what makes us us? So I think a lot of people think perfectionism is having like really high standards, but it's almost like you're disguising fear as productivity in a sense.
So I, I played back the first two episodes and I'm gonna feel the same way about this one too. I can already tell, there's a couple things that I said. I'm like, oh, you know, in the first couple [00:06:00] episodes, oh, I should have said, I should have said this one thing.
Or, uh, the one thing that I did say, I should have said it this way, or I forgot to add that one detail that I wanted to convey. And even right now, like I'm already feeling like, oh man, I probably should have said it this way, but what? Who cares? I'm gonna get the idea across as best as I can, and this isn't gonna be the last episode ever.
I wanna , clarify my thoughts going forward. I certainly can, but I guess this is my way and you don't, you don't need my permission. You don't need anyone's permission, is to just. Do the thing. You're delaying starting something because
you're waiting for
that,,
that perfect moment.
Or, you're thinking you don't have enough experience yet.
I, I've never done this before this, like I said in , my intro,
this was absolutely terrifying for me,
and it still is. It's kind of weird, you know, I've done this a few times already, and then. You get in front of the [00:07:00] camera and there's no one here, by the way, like I'm all by myself in my room.
Why am I freaking out? There's no reason. There's no one here to judge me. You're not even here yet. You're gonna be listening to this on, I don't know, the way to work or in the shower or who knows where. But just, just. Do it. And the more,
the more times you do something that repetition is gonna build that confidence.
So just, just try.
So many people talk themself out of opportunities because they think they're not ready. They need that other thing, they need that other certification or they have to make those additional edits or whatever it is. If you just get it out there, then you can kind of learn as you go.
I'm learning as I go right now. I've already learned a few things and I'm hoping I get better along the way. I would imagine that would be the case. As with anything, [00:08:00] I don't wanna say the word practice makes perfect, but I think repetition and just gaining that confidence and, stumbling a little bit.
Yeah, you gotta do it. The thing is, is that
I don't think you'll ever feel perfectly ready.
And being a perfectionist can actually increase your levels of stress. There was even a study found a solid correlation between perfectionism and anxiety.
So it's even linked to mental health issues. Depression, eating disorders, and even insomnia. That makes sense because if you're always striving for that. Unattainable level, how could you truly be happy if you feel like you can never get there? And when you're setting such a high bar for yourself you're just increasing that fear of not being able to reach it.
Instead of trying to be perfect, [00:09:00] why don't you just say, I'll try my best. I'll just try it.
That's what I'm doing right now. I know these aren't gonna be perfect, and I don't anticipate any of these episodes to be perfect, but I hope that's what you take away from them, and I hope this inspires you to try that new thing and just be a little messy
because.
Another thing that will happen is when you're constantly trying to be perfect, you're just gonna waste time and procrastinate and you're gonna waste that energy, like spinning your wheels, just trying to refine and, and polish it up. Instead of actually. Making something or producing something. So you are still redoing the one thing.
Maybe it's your fifth time. Believe me I actually considered rerecording the last two episodes, and then I was like, no, I'm not. That's not the message I'm trying to get across. It's not the energy I'm trying to give. I want to inspire others to just take action and be [00:10:00] fearless. Feel the fear. I'm feeling the fear and I'm doing it anyway.
So when you're stuck refining that thing, doing it, I don't know how many times the other person has already started and has bumped their head and is learning and is getting better. So opportunities could pass you by 'cause you're still busy tweaking. And the other thing is other people , are putting their stuff out there.
Whatever it is. Um, I'll use, I'm gonna use my kids and my husband as an example, my husband is in the music industry and, he is, he's also a perfectionist. And I'm like, honey, it sounds great. Just get it out there You know, I actually heard on another Sync Licensing podcast just get your music to 80% because so many other people are doing that.
They're just getting it out there and then learn. Get your [00:11:00] feedback, figure it out as you go, but stop retweaking that one song 57 times. I actually learned. A lot from my kids. So I think I mentioned in one of the other episodes that they started their own car detailing business.
So my 12-year-old and my 16-year-old at the time, that was back in May and they had no experience. They literally watched a bunch of, YouTube videos did a bunch of research on TikTok, , , and they learned what they needed, like the types of products, the type of equipment.
My son put out a bunch of marketing material and promo stuff, and they got their first job. They had never done a job before. I don't even know at that time had they might've done, they might've done my car. So maybe they had done one car ever and they had their first paying customer and they wanted to do two vehicles right away, both interior and exterior.
And [00:12:00] they didn't even blink. They got that phone call and they were gone and here I am. I'm like, oh my God. What if they mess up? What if? What if they don't like their work? They've never done that before. And I'm over here overthinking it and I caught myself and I purposely did not say it to them because what would I do?
That would just instill fear and them, and that's what I'm trying to teach others not to do. Just go for it. You don't build momentum. By being a perfectionist and by procrastinating, momentum only comes from action. You know, it's kind of like, riding a bike. I suppose, like, you kind of like mess up a little bit.
You're wobbling off, you trying to find your balance. Maybe you fall a few times and scrape your knees, but like, as you start pedaling and you start getting the hang of it and your balance you're cruising and that's what [00:13:00] you have to do. You gotta, you just gotta fall, you gotta wobble and then you're gonna cruise.
Okay. The other thing is , you're not learning anything from the real world. You're not getting like that real life experience. And when these episodes are published and I start to get feedback, that's the only way I'm gonna learn on how to do things better, like what people actually wanna hear.
I don't truly know if these messages are even what everybody wants to hear yet, but. This is what I'm passionate about, and I will learn that once I get it out there. You're never gonna know unless you actually try.
Another reason that you really should not procrastinate or strive for that perfectionism is that what is happening is you're actually, you're rewiring your brain. So when you tell yourself, this thing isn't ready yet, I have to make this one more tweak, or this one more [00:14:00] edit, or I have to get this one more certification, or I have to read this one more book, I don't know enough yet.
I'm not an expert yet. By telling yourself that and then telling yourself that, okay, I can wait. Because I'm gonna , go do this one more thing before I get it out there. Your brain is feeling a sense of relief, so it's almost like you're rewarding yourself. So it's like training a dog in a sense.
So if my dog goes outside, Hess the bathroom, she comes in, I give her a treat, and she starts to associate. Okay, going outside, I get a treat. Okay now she's smart enough to the point where she just goes outside, doesn't do anything. She just probably sits on the porch and stares at me and expects a treat.
But I conditioned her that way. So you're actually conditioning your brain to [00:15:00] say, okay, I'm gonna wait. I feel better. What do you think you're gonna do the next time? It's time to put something out or get something done. Your brain's looking for that sense of relief , that reward system. So consider that.
When you wait for, that, that perfect moment I think you kind of miss out on that excitement that enthusiasm and motivation that you have at the start of something. So when you have that new idea or you're feeling creative and you get , those juices flowing and you make your thing.
You record your music, your podcast, you make your designs, , whatever it is that you're creating. And the more you push that off and wait for it to be perfect, you're losing that initial excitement and momentum and I think the longer you wait then that, [00:16:00] that fades over time and the less likely it is you are actually going to do that thing or complete that project.
Imper perfection is really, it's subjective. So as I mentioned earlier, . What is perfect to you, if you ever make it to your version of perfect, like I said, that doesn't necessarily mean it's perfect to somebody else.
I know there's been a lot of times where I can be kind of a harsh critic with my husband and he might love a song that he created. And I don't, or I might love one that he made and it's really not his favorite. So how can you ever measure whether or not something's perfect? And even if you do, , let's say you're like, you know what, this thing, I've worked so hard on it.
It is as best as it's gonna be. This is my idea of perfection. And you put it out there. Yeah, and you get haters and there's people that don't like it. Now [00:17:00] what that you said, it was perfect. You're gonna have haters no matter what you do in life. I always tell my kids, if you ain't got no haters, you ain't popping.
Because if you're doing something right, you're going to have people that hate on you for that. And that's not necessarily a bad thing because you're showing them something in themselves. That they wish that they had and they don't. But, that's a whole nother episode. So what I would like you to do is consider this idea that done is better than perfect.
You did it, you're. I'm gonna record this episode, I'm gonna look at it and say, oh, I should have changed this, this, this, this, this. But you know what? It's done. I can edit it as best as I can. , like I said, done is better than perfect because once it's done, you can refine it if you want, you can make new versions of it later, but get it out there first and get that feedback.
[00:18:00] Embrace feedback as fuel for growth and not proof that you are not ready.
Focus on. It's good enough to start and start there.
Perfection keeps you stuck, but progress keeps you moving.
When you let go of things having to be perfect. You start faster and you build confidence along the way.
You take advantage of opportunities in real time instead of missing them because you're over planning or overthinking.
You create more and you learn more because you're busy producing instead of polishing.
And you free yourself from that self criticism and allow yourself to move towards your goals and much quicker.
The first step is really. Having a catch yourself, catch yourself saying it's not ready yet, [00:19:00] or I have to wait until I have, fill in the blank. One thing that I've found helpful for myself, and I'm trying to work with my husband now too, is set a deadline. Give yourself a date.
Write it down. I feel like that really does something to your brain , when you put it on paper and you're giving yourself this date to be done by, because then you're making a promise to yourself. And not only then are you building that, that momentum, but you're building that trust. And if you think about it, when you say you're gonna do something.
And you actually do it, how much better do you feel about yourself versus saying or writing down a date and then missing it? You're probably a lot more likely to put it off even further. So, I gave myself a date to start recording these podcasts, and I, I didn't feel ready. I knew I could do a lot more research on the recording software.
I probably could [00:20:00] have. Figured out more episode topics or planned them all out even further and looked at all of my books and, do all kind of research on what it is I'm gonna talk about. But you know what I'm learning, so everything I'm teaching to you or talking to you about, I'm really telling myself because I'm guilty of it as well.
So maybe I'm coaching you, but this is a reminder to myself as well.
Shift your language about it, instead of, is this perfect, have I made progress? Is this enough to move forward? You , I had a whole bunch of topics planned out and I just started to pick, which ones am I most passionate about, which ones truly resonate with me, that I just feel the need to express this to others.
And I just start there and I have an outline and, you'll catch me looking at my notes , to stay on track. But you know what? It's done. It's out there. And. [00:21:00] I'm hoping that by me admitting that I'm not perfect and I just take messy action, that I'll inspire someone else to do that as well.
Every imperfect action is progress and. Progress over time compounds into success. I'll go back to my boys again, and even my husband too , when they started their, their music and their business it was messy at first. They didn't really know what they were doing, but they got feedback.
My two sons would get feedback from their clients and they would learn, or they would make a mistake or maybe they used the wrong product on something or. Maybe they realized this one equipment that they had didn't work as good as, what they could have had. Well, you know what? Then they went out and then they bought that next thing to make their next job even better.
Or maybe it was still good, but maybe it just saved them some time.
My husband was so hard on [00:22:00] himself with his music and he would, I don't know if you know what the term mixing is, but it's what music producers do to, to improve the quality of sound and level out the instruments. And that's about as far as I know , but. He would mix songs over and over and over again until what he would consider perfect.
And then he got his feedback on his first few songs, and it was amazing feedback. Like, how much time did he waste perfecting that? Like, was it done five revisions ago? Who knows? But he needed that proof to himself that his work was good enough.
Perfectionism isn't. Serving you. It's really stunting you. So as your challenge for this week, I want you to pick one thing that you can take messy action on, and rather than being perfect, just do it. Just get it out there. Just started [00:23:00] already.
Pay attention to how good it feels to move forward and have something be done. I know I felt so good when the first two episodes were recorded, and yes, they're not edited yet, but they're done.
And remember, messy action beats no action. My son always says this, slow motion is better than no motion.
Progress beats perfection every time. So get out there, start some messy action, make some mistakes, get some feedback, and keep moving. Thanks for listening. Hope to see you on the next episode.
