Episode 7 - The ONLY Approval You'll Ever Need (And It's NOT Who You Think)
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Welcome to the Starlit Success Podcast, I am your host Jessica Gaines. Today I wasn't even planning on recording this episode. I was planning on recording something totally different, but I felt inspired to talk about this topic today.
We spend so much of our lives, of our energy, of our time trying to impress other people, trying to get everyone else's approval.
Trying to be good enough for everyone else.
And that could be anyone from, you know, your parents other family members, your friends, your network that you hang out in. It could be your boss. Coworkers. It could even be total strangers. It could be people on the internet.
I feel like social media is like this highlight reel. Now people only post the most [00:01:00] amazing memories, the most amazing photos, and some of it you don't even know if it's real
it's not necessarily the true version of who they are. it's the version of themselves that they think will be most accepted or most admired. So today I wanna talk about the only two people that you should even consider or worry about impressing. And that is this idea of your 8-year-old self and your 80-year-old self. And I've heard this on other podcasts, I've read it in articles, and it's something that I felt that more people needed to hear. I don't think people really consider these versions of themselves when. They're seeking approval. I don't think it was something that I ever thought of.
. I mean, more recently, within the last few years, I don't think that people really ever consider getting their own approval, especially like different [00:02:00] versions of themself. It's always external. It's always other people's opinions, and I think most people have a desire to fit in.
You know, they wanna be liked, they want people to look up to them. They want to feel like they're doing something right.
I don't necessarily think that there's anything wrong with wanting, like a sense of belonging. I think that is natural. I think people want like a sense of community and a sense of connection. And usually to do that you need to create and, and maintain positive relationships with other people. But because of that, I think sometimes we feel like we need to conform to what those other people consider acceptable or consider normal.
And that can be in the way that, I, you behave maybe. The different activities that you might be a part of or involved in
the way you dress, what you believe in. Or maybe it's like a [00:03:00] certain level of status.
We want to belong, we want to feel like we're part of the group. No one wants to feel rejected. You know, we don't wanna feel criticized. We want other people to approve of us.
But as a result of this, we tend to think success is about what other people see, or the way that we are perceived by other people.
Instead of how we feel about ourselves, instead of our own happiness or our own fulfillment, we care more about how we appear, about how other people will react to what we're doing or how we're being, or what we're saying, or what we're wearing.
Think about all the movies you've seen, you know, where someone is going to college for something that they really don't love or it's a career that their parents wanted them to pursue. Or maybe it's, , I know this is a common one , especially in Christmas movies because,, I love Christmas movies where the parents have like this, this [00:04:00] family, farm or like.
Market of some sort, and they want their child to take it over. That's their dream. the parent wants the child to continue that legacy. And the child, granted, they're an adult at this point, doesn't wanna do that. They wanna pursue something that they love, which maybe is like moving in New York and, I don't know, working for some giant corporate company or becoming a lawyer, whatever. Or maybe the opposite is true. Maybe the parents want the kid to become a lawyer or a doctor or an engineer and the kid wants to start a band, or maybe they want to be a firefighter, or they want to get in the trades or something, or something completely different. But ultimately, it's not being true to yourself, not listening to what you truly want and living to be accepted by others instead of yourself.
And. My mind is like, why do we care so much? I mean, even myself starting this, like that was my first thought [00:05:00] what will other people think of me? Instead of like, what will this do for me? How can I help other people? That was my first thought how will I be perceived? What will everyone's reaction be?
But I stopped caring how can I care if I'm out here preaching for other people to not care and to follow their heart, how can I be a hypocrite and not do what I'm saying? Yes, I care what people think.
I think everyone naturally does. But at the end of the day, I care most about being true to myself and I care most about how I can impact other people. I care most about how I can help other people gain that confidence and find their voice and find their purpose and their passion by leading by example. So of course I looked into this because I wanna know like, why the hell do we care so much? Why does everyone care so much about what other people think? [00:06:00] This desire or this need to fit in dates back hundreds of thousands of years, which is like my favorite because I love old stuff.
I love history, so hundreds of thousands of years ago when being a part of a tribe or part of a clan was critical to your survival.
Humans didn't have claws. , some people might have claws. we didn't have claws. We don't have venom, we don't have really thick fur. We don't have super sharp teeth like lions or alligators or shark. You know, We're super susceptible or vulnerable to the natural elements, to starvation, to predators, but we have social skills. We know how to communicate. We know how to cooperate with others. That is and was our superpower. That is what we use to survive. So you needed other people to survive. You needed your community because [00:07:00] everyone helped each other out. Everyone kind of played a role in their tribe or their clan, so you could help hunt in large packs,
you could share knowledge, you could share resources, you could help each other build tools. There was a lot you could do in larger numbers than you could do by yourself, and that was necessary to survive. So banishment was a, a punishment, a severe punishment If you were banished from your community, from your tribe, from your clan, basically like you're kicked out, you're on your own. That was just about as close as a death sentence as you could have
now, that means you don't have anyone to help you do anything.. So you're on your own for shelter, for food, to fight off wild animals. Build fires hunt, fight the elements. You're on your own and the chances of your survival are extremely low when you're alone as a human, at least. [00:08:00] So that natural instinct to belong is still there. It's still within you, but technically it's not really necessary for survival anymore. But your mind doesn't really know that. It's just this instinct that you have within you.
Of course, there are, you know,, social and emotional components to feel connected, to be a part of a community
to feel accepted. But it's not. Required anymore. It's more optional. It's more if you, if you want that, but I truly feel like you can have both. I feel like you can still do you be your authentic self
But you don't need someone else's approval anymore to do something that is maybe considered a little bit out there or a little bit unrealistic or outside of the norm. If it's true to you, you don't have to be worried about being banished. You don't have to be worried about not being able to survive anymore.
You can do you and be authentic to who you are [00:09:00] without feeling like you're gonna die.
If you keep living for everyone else, you're never gonna be able to live for yourself. You're gonna ignore your authenticity. You're gonna ignore that inner child. You're gonna mute your curiosity, your creativity, your playfulness. You might reach retirement, or you might reach a very old age and look back on your life and be like, damn, I wish I would've done that thing. I wish I would've just tried that. Why did I follow what that other person said I should do? I should have just listened to my intuition. I just, I knew I was right.
I should have listened to my gut.
Or I just wish I would've done something that would have made me happier or felt more alive, or felt more fulfilled. I wish I would've at least just tried.
So maybe you lived a life that looked good on paper and maybe it looked good on the outside, maybe to everyone else, but deep down you felt empty.
So I was trying to think of a way that I could help visualize this. And I was looking up different plants [00:10:00] because I looked at the way a plant lives in a, like a pot in someone else's home
my mom and my cousin, and some of my friends are like, really into plants and you're taking this thing that is meant to live outside.
And I,, I suppose we can think about,, like exotic pets and stuff like that too. But a plant works for this. , And I found this plant called Bird of Paradise. So It's this really beautiful plant so now think of yourself as you're this plant and you are living for everyone else's approval or admiration. So you're like on display.
So you are this plant and you're in a pot, and maybe you're in someone's house, or maybe you're in like a hotel lobby or like, a mall or something. So everyone's walking by and they're like, oh, look at that plant. That's so pretty. Oh, I would love to have that plant. Right? Everyone's looking at you and , you're so, you're so beautiful and you're, you're admired, but you're stuck in this pot.
You're stuck in this mall. You're [00:11:00] stuck in this house or this lobby or wherever you're stuck in. And you're confined to that space because you're conforming to what everyone else wants. You're being decorative. You're bringing everyone else pleasure and comfort by you being on display, But because you're in this pot, you're only gonna grow maybe like three to eight feet tall.
You are rarely gonna bloom because you're indoors. You're not living in your natural environment. . Your roots are only gonna go as deep as the pot that you're planted in. and then on top of that, because you're in a pot inside, not in your natural environment, you are much more likely to attract insects or pests. Ew.
Now if you are that same plant, but you are in the wild, you're in your natural environment, you are going to grow 20 to 30 feet tall versus three to eight feet tall.
You are going to flower regularly because you are in all of the natural elements and everything that your roots need. And then on [00:12:00] top of it, your roots instead of only getting as deep as that pot, your roots are gonna grow so deep and so expansive that you can't be near any kind of like buildings or concrete 'cause you will tear it up. So this is my favorite part. So, because you're in the wild, you're in your natural environment, you aren't restricted to this pot, You're just doing you. You're just being who you are meant to be. Now you're gonna grow so big, so tall, your bro are gonna be so deep, you're gonna be flowering regularly.
Now birds are gonna feed off of your nectar because now you're flowering regularly. Monkeys are gonna feed off of your flowers and the seeds. So now you are providing
resources to other living things. You are like this active part of the ecosystem, so you're being authentic to yourself is now helping other living things around you. That's what is so powerful about being in your own authenticity, Being [00:13:00] you will help others be them. You are going to be like this shining light for others to kind of feed off of. You are gonna have like this energy, this like unstoppable force that other people just feed off of 'cause they can feel it.
And even if you do try to please everyone else, even if you do try to live up to everyone else's expectations, I don't care what you do, you can't please everyone. You are always going to have someone that has something to say, someone's gonna hate on you. Someone is always going to disapprove of whatever it is that you're doing or think that you should be doing it a different way or maybe think you shouldn't be doing it at all.
And if you are constantly placing your self worth on how other people view you, you're placing that externally from yourself. , So you are depending on external. People, circumstances for your own happiness and your own fulfillment and your own [00:14:00] self-worth. The problem with that is that by placing this value externally, that can be taken away at any time.
You have no control over that so even if you're pleasing someone, if that person disappears, now what? Or what if? What if they changed their mind about what you're doing? They don't like it anymore. Now what do you just change what you're doing . but your 8-year-old self and your 80-year-old self, they're not going anywhere. , That child that you once were always lives inside of you and that older person that you will be someday, they're waiting for you.
So instead of living for everyone else, live for the versions of yourself that you would care most about impressing.
Think about meeting your younger self. Think about that 8-year-old version of yourself.
Maybe you're really curious. Maybe you were really playful. Maybe you had this really wild imagination.
You're probably full of hopes and dreams and possibility.
You probably believe that you had your whole life ahead of you.
That 8-year-old [00:15:00] version of yourself, they have no idea of all the challenges you're gonna face, They don't even think that anything is impossible. They think they can do anything
do. They don't even really understand what being unrealistic means yet, They're just this little kid. They don't get it. They haven't even really been exposed to society's programming yet. Maybe a little bit, but it hasn't really sunk in yet.
If you got to meet them, what do you think would make them proud? Could you show them that you stayed playful, that you stayed curious, that you followed your dreams, that you didn't let anyone else get in the way?
How could you give them hope or help them be excited about their future?
What would you inspire them with?
What advice would you give them that would help them achieve everything that they're capable of?
I just think of myself, like, if I could meet my 8-year-old self, oh my God, I would tell her this. I would tell her that. I would tell her, don't do this. Make sure you do that. Don't ever [00:16:00] give up on this. Make sure you stay with that. I wish, but I still consider that 8-year-old self inside of me, if I know she's in there and I wanna make her proud, I'm gonna show her that we didn't give up. We didn't give up on our dreams. We may not have known what they were for a very long time, but we didn't give up on them. And we're pursuing them now.
Now what if you could see your 80-year-old self or meet your 80-year-old self? All the wisdom, all the experience, all the life lessons that they had to go through to get to where they are now.
They've learned what truly matters. They've learned what was really important in life. What do you think they would be proud of? How would you want them to look back on your life?
What do you think they would tell you? What do you hope they would tell you?
, I'm thinking my 80-year-old self is gonna be like, why did you waste so much time caring about what people thought
maybe they would say, be bold, be brave. Take risks, take chances. Believe in yourself.
Don't waste time worrying about everyone [00:17:00] else and what they think. I. Don't worry about failing, worry about never even trying.
And my big thing is collect experiences, not regrets.
The only real approval that matters is these two phases of your life.
I think it's funny because this is something I've always done. I never really considered like the 8-year-old version of myself, but I often think about the 80-year-old version of myself, and I think it's because,
. I picture my grandma at 85, that's the age that she was when she passed, and I'm like, man, if I was 85, looking back on this moment now, and I'm 43 now, that is like another lifetime. If I was 85 years old and looking back at 43, I'm like, oh man, I could have done this. I could have done that.
I wasn't too old to start anything. I have another 40 some years to go. you can do whatever you want.
I know some women who have had babies past 40, so I'm like, why not just try something new? See what happens.
Think about [00:18:00] now, wherever you are in life, think about 10 years ago, five years ago, 20 years ago, whatever it was, what you wish you would've done, what you wish you would've tried, and then just picture yourself in the future. Looking back on this moment and talking to yourself now, like, what do you think you should do?
What do you think you should test? What do you think you should take a risk on?
So while I was just picturing myself, like visualizing, I was just thinking like, oh, I'm just gonna picture that I'm like old and I'm looking back on this moment and like all of the things that I wish I would've tried
So that I wouldn't have any regrets. It turns out this is actually something that Jeff Bezos did that helped him start Amazon, and he called it the Regret minimization framework.
And it's basically doing exactly what I'm saying. So you're projecting yourself to a future age
and then considering whether or not you would regret making the decision now
or taking action on something now, so you're pretending you're [00:19:00] 80 looking back on this moment, like, should I do that thing or not? Will I regret not doing it?
this helped him start Amazon because instead of focusing on like the short term fear or the short term effects, you're focusing more on the long term effects. you are essentially positioning your decisions now based on potential future regrets later.
Obviously on things that you didn't try or didn't accomplish. If you focus on actions that you'd be most likely to regret, it helps you make bolder decisions. it helps you take quicker action.
You make choices that are aligned with your values and with your long-term goals.
And really all it is, is, like I said, project yourself in the future. So pretend you are 80 years old, you can be 90 years old, you can be a hundred years old, however years old you wanna be, but it's gotta be somewhere far, far in the future. And you're in that moment, maybe you're sitting on a [00:20:00] rocking chair or chilling on a beach, or wherever you wanna be, where you're looking back on your life. Maybe you're looking back to this moment
And you're asking yourself about any potential regrets that you might have in this future scenario. So you wanna ask yourself, will I regret not having done this or not having even tried this? Whatever it is.
And think about what you're contemplating and decide which one would lead to the least regret later on.
And then you have to act. So if the answer is, if you're in that future scenario, you're 80 or 90 years old, and you're looking back and you're like, will I regret not having done this or not having tried this? If the answer is yes, I will regret it, then that means you need to take action now. You need to move a step forward in that direction.
The reason that this works is it moves you past that initial immediate discomfort and [00:21:00] feeling like, oh, it's so scary. I don't know if I can do this to. Projecting yourself out way in the future and knowing that this was a regret of yours. So it makes you want to take that action now because you know what truly matters,
and then it highlights the things that you haven't done that maybe you're just thinking about. Which are the things that most people tend to regret later in life? The things that they haven't done or the way they've spent their time, or whatever it is. it can make like these really scary, big decisions feel a little less daunting because you're removing that, that pressure, you're not so focused on like the short term gain. You're focused on making your future self proud, knowing that you at least tried, so when you proactively prevent future regret, it helps you take bigger risks. It helps you be. Folder. it helps you pursue things that you might [00:22:00] otherwise shy away from, that maybe you were too scared to try, but I would rather be scared to try than be out of time and not have the option anymore.
So Jeff Bezos actually used this framework to start Amazon. So he envisioned himself as 80 years old and realized that he would not regret starting an internet company even if it failed. So in his mind, he felt like even if I leave my high paying hedge fund job to start this crazy business, you know, in that time the internet was pretty new.
He still wouldn't have regretted trying and failing.
So if you only focus on these two versions of yourself and impressing them, you're gonna stop looking outside for validation.
You're gonna live in alignment with what's true for you, what you want, your biggest and wildest dreams.
You're gonna make choices that you're proud of now and later. And you are gonna stop being scared to try things because [00:23:00] your child self and your, your old lady self or your old person self values courage over perfection. .
Okay, so what do you do? So I want you to pretend like you're meeting your inner child, okay? We're gonna meet your 8-year-old self. And think about like what? What did they love to do?
What made 'em happy?
Would they be proud of who I am today?
And then connect with your future self. So imagine you are 80 years old and , maybe you're sitting on your rocking chair on the front porch, and you're looking back on your life. You know,, What stories do you wanna tell? What regrets do you wanna avoid?
And let those be the people that inspire you, that help lead you to where you wanna go. Ask, will this excite my inner child?
Will this make my future self proud?
Your little child self doesn't care if you stumble. They just wanna make sure that you're playing, that you're having fun,
and your older self doesn't care if you were perfect. They just wanna know that you were happy [00:24:00] and that you lived a life that you were proud of, and that fulfilled you. They wanna know that you were true to who you are.
So stop living for everyone else.
Live for that child who thought anything was possible. And live for that older version of yourself who is gonna look back on your life and know that you lived a life that was as true as possible to yourself and make them proud.
So this week I want you to do something that maybe you've been hesitating or you've been scared to try out of fear of how others will perceive you or what other people will think, and do it for these two versions of yourself.
All right. That's what I got for you guys today. Thank you so much for listening or watching, and I hope to see you on future episodes.
