Episode 9 - Watch Your Mouth: 5 Ways Your Words Are Working Against You
Welcome to the Starlit Success podcast, and I am your host, Jessica Gaines.
So today I wanna talk about our words, our language, the way you talk to yourself, the way you talk to other people, the way you talk in your head. I think that, a lot of people assume that the words that they use don't really matter. There is real power in your language. And this is something that I never really understood. I wouldn't even say it's something I didn't understand. It's something that I wasn't even aware of. It was something that I wasn't even conscious of. And I think that's a problem with most people.
most people think that the words that you use or your, your day-to-day language is just a way to, just to describe things, [00:01:00] just to , explain what you're going through or, talk about what you feel, what you think but you're not really very conscious of the words that you're choosing.
But what if I told you that the words that you use are, , like a paintbrush your words are actually designing your life. Everything that comes out of your mouth, whether it's to yourself or to others, is shaping how you see the world and what you believe is possible. And this is whether you realize it or not. Most people talk in ways that create these like invisible limitations and without even realizing, they're blocking possibilities. They're blocking opportunities, and it's something that you don't even really understand that you're doing because you don't understand how your negative language is actually programming your subconscious mind against you.
But the great thing is, is you have the power to change the words that you're using and change the language that you're using to design the life that you actually want. What I didn't understand [00:02:00] and what you probably might not understand is that, , as I mentioned earlier, I wasn't even conscious of the words that I was using. I wasn't conscious of the language that I was using. I would just say what I thought, say what I felt. I didn't realize that it would actually make an impact in my thoughts and beliefs and everything else, because most people think that language or the words that you're using is harmless.
That it's just neutral. But the mistake that the majority of us are making is that you might not even understand that your subconscious mind is meant to serve you and needs clear orders. Your language is giving your subconscious mind these orders. So it's very similar to how, like computer coding writes the language, which then tells the computer what to do, except your mind is the computer and your language is writing the program that it will run off of.
I am not a computer programmer. But honestly, like your, [00:03:00] your mind is like a computer and I know that in computer programming there is a language that is used to program it, so it, it made sense to me. Anyway, we are gonna go over the five, what I believe the most common mistakes are, and this is from my perception,
The five most common mistakes that I've seen after being conscious to how language actually impacts our life. I just became so much more self-aware to myself and the way I was talking. And then because I was more self-aware, I became aware of how others would speak. And these are the five things that I noticed that most people do that get in their own way.
Mistake number one, throwing around I am statements like they don't matter. Just throwing them around super carelessly. This is one of the most important because when you say I am, this is an identity based command. So you are essentially telling [00:04:00] yourself who you are or who you are not.
Let's say you say, I'm not ready yet, or I am too old to start, or I am broke. I hear that a lot. I hear so many people say, I'm broke. Like, stop reaffirming that. Stop saying I'm broke. ? I'm not confident enough. I am too busy. That's a, that's another big one.
Like, I'm too busy. I'm too busy.
Are you too busy? Are you broke? Are you not confident? Is that what you're telling yourself? ?
I'm sure you've heard that I am statements. Are also considered affirmations. And typically people say, I am before something good when they wanna reaffirm something. Because an affirmation means to affirm something that is already true. , It actually comes from the Latin roots to make firm or to strengthen.
So in this case, it's really what you believe to be true about yourself. So identity is deeply, deeply rooted and [00:05:00] connected to your subconscious, which operates as the foundation for how you see yourself. You might think that you're just being honest or you're just being realistic, but in actuality, when you say I am, your subconscious is accepting it as truth. And when you accept something as truth, it becomes part of your identity. Your subconscious isn't gonna argue with you. It's going to take your commands because it wants to serve you. That's its job. It's your servant. It's there to do what you say. Think of it like you are the lieutenant and your subconscious is your army. So whatever words you say, the language that you're using is giving your army its marching orders.
Even if you're saying it jokingly or casually, your brain, your mind, your subconscious, it doesn't know the difference. It's like, I don't know how you're saying something. I just know that the words that you're using are what I'm supposed to carry out. So you're literally programming yourself to [00:06:00] become that version of you. So instead of saying, I'm not ready yet, say something like, I'm learning and I'm growing every day. Or I'll figure it out as I go. Give yourself some empowering words to go from. If you just say, I'm not ready yet. You're just telling your mind, I'm not ready yet. I I'm not ready. I'm not gonna start, I'm not even gonna try.
When you shift it to something that you can do, now you're telling your brain that you do have the capability of starting, of trying. And instead of saying I'm too old. Tell yourself this is the perfect time. my experience is my secret weapon. I'm broke. , I can't stand this one.
I hear this so much. Tell yourself I'm learning to manage my money. I am getting better at it every day. , Or I'm not confident enough. How about, I'm becoming more confident with every step I take outside my comfort zone. That's the only way that you're gonna become more confident. Instead of just saying, I'm not confident enough.
What are you doing to try to be confident? What steps are you [00:07:00] taking? How are you empowering yourself?
Or, I'm too busy. You know, you hear this all the time from, I hear it from everyone, and I guess to a certain extent. I'm sure you're busy, but are you too busy to do what matters? I am in control of my time and energy. I prioritize what matters the most. I'm not too busy for what's important to me. No, you're not gonna say you're too busy for something that you really care about.
That's an excuse. When you use this negative self-talk or this negative language in your vocabulary, you start to give yourself an excuse to reaffirm the limiting beliefs that you have. And then you just stay in your reality. Nothing's gonna change if you keep telling yourself the same story. It's like going to the gym,? You have to train yourself. To use the language that will help train your mind to believe that these things are possible, ? That repetition is really gonna help it sink in. And the first thing is obviously just being self-aware. Just [00:08:00] hearing yourself and paying attention to the things that you're telling yourself every day or, or what you're saying to others.
What you're saying out loud, you're saying out loud what you're saying in your head, all of it matters. And it's not just about saying positive affirmations, I don't want you to, to think instead of saying I'm broke, like saying, oh, I'm rich, or I'm so abundant, or, I just have everything that I could ever want.
Because deep down, you know, you're lying to yourself, right? You're not gonna truly believe that. But when you use empowering language that you're actually going to believe, that's where you start to shift something. So, like I said, instead of saying I'm broke, say I'm, I'm getting better at managing my money.
I am prioritizing finances. I'm only spending money on things that are really important to me. That's not a lie. You're gonna believe that about yourself and the way that you keep talking to yourself and telling yourself what you're doing about it, and not that this is who you are. [00:09:00] That's when things start to change, You have to train your mind that you have control over your beliefs and over your circumstances and stop that. Stop that victim language. Like, oh, I'm this, or, oh, I'm that Talk about what you can do and not about what you can't.
So when you reframe these statements from like this victim mode to something more empowering, you're actually retraining your brain to see yourself as evolving, to see yourself as powerful and not helpless. Nobody wants to feel helpless, okay? This keeps you open to growth, to possibility, and then you, you have some compassion for yourself.
'cause you know you're trying. Okay. Mistake number two, speaking in absolute an absolute is where you're saying things like, nothing ever works out for me. I'm always broke, or I could never put myself out there. ? These like always, never everyone, everything. It's like this [00:10:00] all or nothing mindset, and it, it distorts reality.
It's not, it's not true. You, you know, that's not true and it makes problems just seem way bigger than what they actually are. Right?? You're like, you're exaggerating. You're being dramatic.
When you're creating this drama over these limiting beliefs that you are really essentially creating for yourself, you're solidifying them. It doesn't feel good to talk like that. So you're just feeling these negative emotions and I don't know that you're gonna feel really that great about yourself if you're saying you can never do something or you're always broke, or nothing ever works out.
How do you feel good about yourself?
. When you talk like that, how do you think that's going to impact your relationships? I mean, if it's creating a disconnect within yourself by feeling those negative emotions and lowering your self-esteem, how do you think that's gonna impact relationships around you? the way you interact with your [00:11:00] partner or with people at work, or with your kids or your friends, if you feel like shit all the time because of the way you're talking to yourself, that's going to trickle outward,?
You're gonna be kind of putting out that negative energy,
and when you continue to talk like this. Your brain is gonna start looking for evidence to confirm these things, and I'm sure you've heard of the phrase, confirmation bias. So really it's just a way to interpret observations or information, and your brain is confirming what you already believe to be true, because your subconscious mind learns through repetition. It will accept these things as truth, and it'll start to guide your behavior and the way you perceive things, to make sure that you get the outcome that you speak of,?
So you're basically telling your brain, don't even bother trying. The outcome is already decided.
You are throwing in the towel before you even started. When you say things like Always, [00:12:00] never, nothing. You are telling yourself to erase all of the evidence of all of the times that you did succeed, that something did work out for you, that something went better than what you expected, or maybe something was easier than you thought.
These are lies you're lying to yourself. Has nothing ever really worked out for you? Are you always broke? Have you always been broke? So you've never had money in your entire life? Nothing has ever worked out for you in your entire life.
When you speak an absolute, when you say things like this, you're tricking your subconscious mind into seeing your world as smaller and more hopeless than it really is. And you know that's not the case.
So if something doesn't go your way, instead of saying things never work out for me. Say, this might not have worked out, but I'll figure something out. Or I'll try something different,
or I learned something from this. You need to make mistakes to learn, Things aren't always going to work out, but [00:13:00] if you're learning from 'em, then that's all you need.
Instead of saying, I could never start my own business, say I'll spend time learning about what business I would be interested in starting. ? You can do that. What can you do? How can you empower yourself to take action instead of setting up these limitations in your own head?
When you shift your language to talk about the things that you can do, this language gives your brain proof that these things are possible
and proof that you're making progress.
It keeps your nervous system calm because you're telling yourself that you have control. You're telling yourself what you are capable of, and your mindset is a little more flexible then because you're like, hmm, thinking of the ways that you can do it, Thinking of the ways that it could possibly work out, which makes you a lot more resilient, and it's gonna make you open to possibilities.
Mistake number three, stop talking about what you don't want. Stop [00:14:00] feeding this energy to things you don't want to happen to, things you don't want to experience to things that you dislike it's one thing to be aware of the things that you don't want, ? Everyone's aware of what they don't want, but consistently talking about what you don't want. All you're doing is feeding that energy, You are just focused on what you don't want, so then your thoughts are gonna go there, your feelings are gonna go there.
You're directing all of that energy to what it is you don't want. So things like, I wish I didn't live paycheck to paycheck, or, I'm so sick of working this nine to five, or I don't wanna mess up, or I don't wanna look bad.
Your subconscious mind doesn't process negatives. So it focuses on the image, it focuses on the emotion, and it attaches it to the rest of the sentence. So when you say, I wish I wasn't always broke, it hears, I wish I was broke.
as I mentioned, where your attention goes, energy [00:15:00] flows, and the things that you focus on grow, think about anything that you give all of your attention to. It magnetizes, it expands. Do you want things to expand that you don't want, that you don't want to happen? No. So stop.
Think of when someone says, don't look, don't look over there.
Or let's say, don't think of candy right now. Don't press that button. What is the first thing you wanna do when I tell you not to do something? You wanna do it? Don't look, I wanna look. Don't press that button. I wanna press that button.
That is how your subconscious mind works. So stop thinking and talking about things that you don't want.
And I wanna be clear, so I'm not saying you can never talk about things that you don't want or that don't go your way. There's a difference between complaining and venting. So I had to actually look this up a while back because I'm like, what if I had a bad day? Or what if something went bad that I wish didn't [00:16:00] happen or I wish didn't happen again?
venting is a way for you to kind of express what you went through. Or maybe you're looking for a new perspective on something. Maybe you're venting to your friend about something that happened and maybe you want their thoughts on it. That's, that's fine. That's totally normal. venting is a way to relieve stress, to process your emotions, but usually it's like a one-off occurrence.
Complaining or negative self-talk is a repetitive pattern it's something that you're doing over and over without any true intention of changing your situation or looking for a solution, You're just talking about this negative thing with no real plan to change anything.
The more you give this thing attention, the more you worry, the more you are going to fuel those filters in your mind to just keep giving you more of it.
[00:17:00] So flip your language to what you do want. Okay, so I'm attracting more money into my life. I am in the process of creating my dream life. I'm learning, and I'm growing from every challenge, Those are all things that are true and believable, ? You don't have to lie to yourself.
I have a million dollars and I own my own private island. No, but you can say that I am taking the steps necessary to change my situation. When you do this, you're training your mind to visualize and create the experiences that you desire you increase your self-esteem because you're talking more confidently and you program your mind to believe in the possibility .
So if you continuously talk about the things that you want in ways that you have control over them, and you build that [00:18:00] confidence and then you start taking action and aligning that action with the way that you're talking, you're programming your mind to start believing it.
Mistake number four. Minimizing your power with wimpy words. The first time I heard this wimpy word idea or wimpy word phrase was. I was in a sales training years ago at, , the software company that I was at for years and years. I was in the sales and marketing department. I wasn't necessarily a sales rep at the time, but I had to go through this training and when she said to eliminate your use of wimpy words, and I'm like, wimpy words, what the heck is that?
So I'll give you a few examples When you say things like, I'll try to fill in the blank. So for me, if I were to say, I'll try to record a video today. I'll try to plan some content, or I should start that project this week, or I should really go to the gym. Or it's just an idea or it's just something I threw [00:19:00] together.
When you say things like that, like try or should or might, or maybe you sound weak, you sound wimpy, you're sending your brain signals of uncertainty or hesitation or doubt, when you say, I'll try, your brain is registering that as optional, you are not committed. I'll just, I'll try.
I'm not guaranteeing anything, . I'm not committing to anything. I'll just try
when you say. I should, I should. It has like this, this air of, of guilt,? Like you're not really empowering yourself, like you don't really want to, it feels like you're being forced, like, um, I should just say that out loud. It doesn't sound confident.
This kind of language kills your growth. It tells your subconscious, there's no reason to try because I don't really have any control. I'm not saying to never use these words, ? I'm talking in a, in a sense of like things that are [00:20:00] important to you, if, let's say a neighbor invites you over to a cookout, right?
Maybe it's, maybe it's a neighbor that you're not super close with and you have your dream life that you're working on, or some really important goals or things that you really value, okay? Then you can say, I'll try to make it right, because it's not important. It's not important to you. I'm not saying that their gathering isn't important.
It's important to 'em, but maybe not to you. I'm saying don't use this language. When it's about things that you really value, when it's about things that truly matter to you, don't use wimpy words in that scenario.
Think about if you were to use these words in relation to your family. What if I was to say to my son? Or what if you were to say to your kids or someone you care about, I should really come to your game, or I should come to your concert.
Or, I'll try to come,, I'll try to show up. Or if you tell your husband or wife, I'll try to come home [00:21:00] tonight. No the fuck, like you're not gonna say I'll try, or I should, or I might. Or maybe when it comes to things that are really important to you right? when you say try, should, might, maybe you're like hesitant.
So instead of saying those things, say, and again, if they're important to you, say, I'll find a way to be there, I'll find a way to make it happen. I will put that project on my calendar. This is something I'm passionate about.
Talk with certainty, Talk with confidence, ? With empowerment, this language takes back your power. When you talk this way, you sound, and not only do you sound, but you feel confident, you feel decisive, you feel aligned, you feel like you're in control. So the universe, God, source, whatever higher power you believe in, responds to you [00:22:00] being absolutely certain about something, ?
When you're confused or like guilty or sheepish, when you talk about, I'll try, or I should, or the universe and your subconscious are like, do you want it or should we, are we trying? Are we doing it? Are we not doing it? Are. It needs clear direction. So the universe, God, your subconscious, all of that needs clear orders in order for it to help you.
If you are not clear on what it is you want or the direction you're taking, you're not going to get assistance from your subconscious or from a higher power 'cause they're not sure either. You have to be sure first, you have to know what you want, and just being aware of when you're using these words is the first step.
This is the last one.
And I'm not saying that these are the only five mistakes people make with their language. I'm sure there's quite a few more, but these are the five that I have noticed within myself and others that I hear [00:23:00] very, very often. And this last one, this is I think number five, it kills me. This. Mm. I get so angry when I hear this.
I can't. ? I can't. I can't. When you say, I can't, you are instantly preventing even the slightest possibility of success because you are immediately in your own way. This, I feel, says more about your belief than not even so much your belief, but your, your will than it does your actual ability, your reinforcing that belief or your will to do something by saying you can't.
It's almost like a coping mechanism to avoid doing something difficult or a way to prevent feeling vulnerable. Or maybe feeling inadequate, like, you're not good enough by saying you can't, you're just saying [00:24:00] like, it's not possible for me. You're destroying any potential for motivation by instantly saying that you can't, and what you're doing is you're just, you're reaffirming those feelings of, of helplessness that you are powerless or you're validating the sense of fear, because maybe it's not something that you're confident in doing.
Maybe , you've never done it before. Maybe you've never seen anyone like yourself do it, so you just say you can't, but you are just decreasing your own potential and your own self-esteem and your own confidence by just saying that you can't. I feel like if it's something you really, really wanna do, you do have control.
You have, I believe you have the power to make things happen.
But when you talk like this, you just give your power away. You're instantly giving your power away through the words that you're choosing.
And how do you know you can't? Do you know you [00:25:00] can't? Did you try? There's really not many things that people can't do nowadays. With the number of resources that is available with the internet, with ai, how can you truly say you can't do something?
I feel like when, when someone says I can't, it's just basically saying you don't really care enough to try or you don't feel confident enough to try. And in my mind, whatever it is, there's likely someone else out there that's already doing it. So if so many other people, or even if there's just one other person out there that's doing it.
Then why can't you? What makes you so different that it's not possible for you, but it's possible for them? And even if there isn't anyone else out there doing it, how do you know you can't unless you try? This is the one time where I actually feel like saying I'll try is okay, because [00:26:00] you're giving yourself a belief that you will start, Because you always can pivot. Even if you don't reach the ideal goal that you were set out to, you can maybe modify it in a way, you can change it a little bit. But when you say you can, it's like, it's like a throwaway comment. It's like when you ask someone a question and instead of them looking for the answer or even trying to help, they just say, I don't know.
Did you even check? Like did you try to know, did you try to find out? When you ask someone a question, she'll say, yeah, I don't know. So when you say you can't, you're just like, oh, I can't, not even willing to try. Don't even care to try.
But I feel like when you say you can't, it's really something you don't care enough about. If you don't want to just say, you don't want to say, it's not a priority to me right now, say it's not something I'm interested in. Don't say you can't, or [00:27:00] say, how can I do this, or How could I figure this out?
Or, I'm not sure how to do it, but I can learn. I will take a small step today, or I will look into it. Don't just say I can't, because you can
and it's important because you need to be an integrity with yourself, do you truly believe that you're not capable of doing something? Choose courage, choose confidence. I feel like when people say they can't, in so many words you're saying, I would rather stay in my comfort zone.
I just can't, I, I am comfortable here without even trying. But when you change the way. You think about this and you change your language. You, again, are building that confidence. You're building that power within yourself. You're taking control and you're being intentional.
You're training your mind to look for opportunity and to look for growth.
You start to look at [00:28:00] solutions and how you can do something instead of living in the problem or living in the obstacle. You start to get creative and think about all the ways that you could initially before I started this, I don't wanna say I thought that I can't, but the thought of starting my own podcast was daunting.
I could've easily said, I can't, I can't do that. I don't know how. Right? I could've come up with a million different excuses, but typically you're gonna come up with excuses when it's something that you're scared to do.
But I told myself, I, how can I try, how can I learn?, What step could I take today that would get me a little bit closer?
Language isn't just about what you say out loud. , It's what you also say in your head. So it's programming your, subconscious for success, or it's programming your subconscious for failure. It's essentially training your belief [00:29:00] system. So if you constantly have these negative thoughts or words or things that you're saying to yourself or things that you're saying to other people, you're creating this distorted perception of reality for yourself.
You're essentially lying to yourself.
So A belief is really it's a thought. That you repeat over and over. And the way I look at it is your thoughts are the language that you're using in your head. it's both out loud and internally. Your brain, when you repeat these things, starts to believe these things as truth.
So you're giving your subconscious mind commands, which is the part of your brain that runs your automatic thoughts, your habits, your reactions, and you are convincing yourself through repeating these things.
Think of it like your words. Or the language or the seeds. And then the repetition that you give it is like deepening the roots.
Once a belief is [00:30:00] formed, it triggers an emotional response, which then influences your actions. When your actions are influenced, that directly impacts your results. So when you say things like, I can't.
You start to believe that you can't, when you believe that you can't, you're triggering that emotion of probably anxiety or fear. And what do you think happens as a result of that? What action are you gonna take as a result of that? If you're full of anxiety and you're full of fear, none, you're not gonna take any action because you're scared.
You're scaring yourself into thinking that you can't. But if you're like, I'll figure it out, now. You believe it's possible,? And if you believe that something is possible, what kind of emotion do you think you're gonna have? You're probably gonna be a little excited. Maybe you're gonna start to feel a little confident.
If you're feeling excited and you're feeling confident, how do you think you're gonna act? You're [00:31:00] probably going to try which then, what results are you gonna get? Possible success. Okay. What if it actually works? Just try.
So think of your words as tools of possibility.
think of your subconscious as a garden, and if your words are the seeds, you can choose what seeds you're gonna plant, right? if I want to grow really delicious fruit, I don't know, can I grow in a garden? Okay, let's say a flower. I wanna grow some flowers instead.
I think it was most fruit on trees. I don't know. I'm not a gardener. Okay? So we're gonna grow flowers. ? I wanna grow flowers or do you wanna grow? Weeds, no. Can you grow weeds or you wanna grow poison ivy? I might have used that before. You pick, you get to pick what you grow.
You pick the seeds and you plant them, and your subconscious is going to nurture it, ? So your words be very careful [00:32:00] about the seeds that you're planting because your subconscious is going to help you nurture them, when you shift your language, your subconscious is going to start looking for solutions instead of excuses. You're gonna start building belief in yourself naturally, and you're gonna be more motivated, you're gonna be more hopeful.
You're going to start to attract opportunities instead of blocking them. So by changing your language, you can essentially change your life. Tra I can't say that word.
Trajectory. Trajectory. That's a hard word to say.
When you keep telling yourself these stories of limitation, these stories of doubt, these stories of impossibility, you are essentially anchoring yourself to them. And your subconscious is always listening. Every word you say is painting the picture of your reality.
Your words are your wand, They're either casting [00:33:00] spells of limitation or creating a life that you really, really, really want, So change your language, change your life.
take a minute today. Notice what you've been saying to yourself. What have you been saying to others? Take a phrase that you've been saying, or negative words that you've been saying that don't help you. That aren't serving you. That aren't creating opportunity, that aren't creating possibility.. and reframe it to something that you can do. Reframe it to something. Empowering, something that instills confidence. Something that you can take action on.
In addition to paying attention to what you're saying to yourself and others, start paying attention to the way other people talk. You'll start to become more aware of how common these things are,
and maybe you can help someone else just by having this awareness, but start paying attention to what you're saying. Start paying attention to what you're saying in your head, those negative [00:34:00] thoughts also. And I wanna hear what your biggest takeaway was. Which one of these mistakes have you been making? I wanna hear it.
Was it one, was it two? Was it all of them? I know I'm guilty of them all. and I'd love to hear from you. So thank you for spending your time with me today and I future episode.
Sunshine.
