Episode 10 - Master the Art of Saying NO (How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Selfish)
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[00:00:00] Welcome to the Starlit Success Podcast, and I am your host Jessica Gaines. And if you are watching today, you are getting a nice view of our dog, Jazzy eating her bone. So enjoy the sideshow. now today I would like to talk about something that I struggle with . Shocker. I always wanna talk about something that I've struggled with, but I honestly feel like if it's something that I've struggled with, I'm sure others out there struggle with too.
And that is the power of saying no and not even just saying no, but not always having to agree with someone or other people. We might think that by saying yes or being agreeable is doing the right thing or maybe we don't think that we're doing the right thing, but maybe it's just easier for us at the time, and sometimes it's easier because.
We're keeping the peace. Maybe we think that we're being polite or we just wanna make someone else happy or comfortable.
I don't [00:01:00] think that we always realize that by always saying yes or always agreeing with someone, it actually can cause frustration. It can cause resentment. It can cause a lot of stress and disconnection in your relationships.
And not only does it cause disconnection within your relationships, it can cause disconnection with yourself. Today we're gonna talk about how saying no or not always being agreeable is not selfish.
And by saying no or not agreeing can actually be one of the most respectful and honest things you can do. We tend to believe that if we say yes or if we agree to something that we'll automatically be more valued or maybe more respected or will be looked at as being really helpful. We think, oh, if we say yes, that they'll like us or they'll appreciate us or we're dependable.
But if you really think about it, you only have so much time, energy, and focus in a day.
And Those [00:02:00] things, your time, your energy, your focus are limited. You only have so much to go around and every time you say yes, you're committing to something, you are exchanging your time and your energy to do whatever it is you're saying yes to, saying yes, doesn't necessarily mean they're going to respect you.
Sometimes it can teach people that your time isn't valuable. If you are a yes man, people might just think that your time is flexible, that it's not really that valuable or that your time is negotiable.
Another mistake is thinking that if we say no or we don't agree with someone that that's mean, or it's disrespectful or it's impolite, we have been conditioned to believe that by saying no means that we're selfish, or maybe we're not a team player.
Because of that, we think we need to say yes or agree to something, even though we like desperately wanna say no, we just don't wanna disappoint anyone.
We don't wanna make anyone mad, we don't wanna hurt anyone. Right? So it's just easier to say [00:03:00] yes.
But what if you're saying yes to someone that's constantly taking advantage of your time or your energy, you're not prioritizing yourself, then
you could be compromising your time, your mental health, your self-worth, because if you're always saying yes to other people or events or. Whatever it is that you're saying yes to,
If you really don't wanna do it, or if you have more important things to do. Essentially you're saying that that thing is more important than whatever it is you have going on.
Or how about saying yes to things or people that just drain you, you know, you're accepting them taking your energy. They might not even know that they're draining your energy, but you know it and you're saying yes anyway. So you need to be aware of that and recognize those situations where, this isn't really serving me. It's okay to say no then.
Or you're saying yes just out of obligation, even though you're dreading it, you really don't wanna do that thing, but you just say yes [00:04:00] anyway.
Or if you do say no, you feel like you have to over explain or apologize, or you have to justify why you're saying no.
Saying no isn't rude. It means that you value your capacity, your emotional and mental health, your priorities, your values.
How many times have you said yes to someone or something? Only to just dread it or complain all week about it, or vent to everyone else about how you don't wanna do this thing or go to this place, or whatever it is. . Being honest with people and setting healthy boundaries, even if it's uncomfortable, is so much more respectful than saying yes and then like secretly resenting them. I think Another mistake that we make is thinking that saying no is only externally. So we think that we're only saying no [00:05:00] to external people, events, activities, what have you, but we need to learn how to say no to ourselves too, and set healthy boundaries with ourselves. Maybe you're super comfortable with saying no to others, to events, to protect your energy, your time. You're good with that, but you don't know how to say no to yourself.
You are like, what do you mean say no to myself? Well,
maybe you're living in your comfort zone. Maybe you're living on autopilot. Maybe you are living in fear and trying something new. Maybe you're saying yes to living a life that really isn't serving you or a situation or habits or. Maybe you need to learn how to say no to being a perfectionist. To procrastinating on something. Negative thoughts excessive worrying or self-criticism. Maybe you need to say no to excessive, mindless scrolling.
Learning to say no to yourself isn't [00:06:00] punishment. It's choosing who you wanna become versus the version of you that just wants to be comfortable or live in the familiar so there are studies that have been done where. They have found that highly agreeable people over the course of their lifetime tend to earn less money, and as a result of earning less money, they have lower savings. And then of course, because they have less money and lower savings, they have higher financial stress.
And if you think about it, I guess it's not really that shocking because. If you are wired to keep the peace and not rock the boat and you don't want to not agree with someone, then you're gonna be a lot less likely to ask for raises. For example, if you have your yearly review and.
Maybe you feel that you're worth more, but you get that standard, you know, three to 5%, you're a lot less likely to try to negotiate that. Or let's say you [00:07:00] get a new job offer and maybe you have a certain number in your head, but you get your offer letter and it's less than what you were expecting. If you are a more agreeable person, you're probably not going to negotiate. You're probably gonna just sign it and send it back. You're not gonna tell them what you think you truly are worth, you're not gonna try to negotiate and say, okay, well I was really expecting this, or, you know, maybe we could meet in the middle somewhere.
You're just gonna be okay with it.
And the crazy thing is, is a lot of companies anticipate some kind of negotiation. So the fact that you might not even try, you're already selling yourself short. And then if you don't negotiate, if you don't negotiate your raise, if you believe that you're worth more, if you don't negotiate that job offer, every other raise is going to be a percentage of what you're making now. So if you're not advocating for yourself, you're [00:08:00] already starting behind the ball.
every future increase is going to be based on your existing salary. If you are someone who says yes a lot or likes to agree with people a lot, you're probably gonna be more prone to loaning out money A lot less likely to set expectations on repayment, so maybe it was a friend or a family member. And they asked you for money and because you don't wanna say no, you don't wanna disappoint, you wanna come across as helpful.
You give them the money and then you don't wanna start anything. You don't wanna cause any conflict. So you never asked to be repaid back, even though maybe their situation has changed, maybe you know that they have the means to pay you back. They don't make any attempts to pay you back and you don't ask for it back.
So therefore you're just out that money.
You might value being liked over being respected, so you're unconsciously setting those expectations with others
so you might think that you're being generous [00:09:00] because you're giving away your time and your energy and your resources, but what could happen is you might be undervalued and probably underpaid.
I have firsthand experience with this. So back at an old job, I remember being asked to do more every, gosh, probably not even every year, but every few months. I was always being asked to do something more. To do something extra. And it was always positioned to me as we have a new opportunity for you, or we think that you would be really great for this new task or this new role.
But I noticed that when I was asked to do these additional tasks or to increase my responsibilities through these new opportunities, I realized that when review time came.
That wasn't really valued. I would get just the standard increase, whatever it was at the time, whether it was 3% or [00:10:00] 5%. And after a few years, I was thinking to myself, like every time they ask me to do more, I never hesitate. I always jump at the chance. I always excel. I give it my all. I give it my best effort.
But when it's time for me to be compensated for that extra energy and
effort, it goes unnoticed. I started to feel really underappreciated and undervalued so. When I had a review coming up, I, I did a lot of my homework I was prepared for battle for my next review. I'm like, you know what? I am not gonna sit here and roll over and just say yes to another 3% increase or another 5% increase.
When I'm doing at least 20% more work, probably more than that. I'm like, you know what? I am not accepting anything less than 10%. And I did my homework. I printed out [00:11:00] all kind of reports, all kinds of numbers, , analytics, whatever I needed to do to prove how much more work I was doing And I walked in there armed and ready, I was ready for conflict. I was ready to say no. But it took, it took a lot. Like this wasn't something that I normally would have done. I had to feel that pain. I had to feel like I wasn't appreciated in order for me to actually feel worthy enough to ask for more.
But what I learned is if you value yourself, if you know you're worth more, . Nobody can deny you what you're worth. And I was ready at that point to say, you know what? If they didn't see what I saw in myself, then I knew it wasn't going to be a good fit.
But thankfully.
They knew I was worth it. They knew I was valuable. So after that meeting, I, I told them that I want nothing less than 10%, and they granted it with no problem.
But I don't [00:12:00] think enough people do that. I don't think enough people fight for themself.
If you don't value yourself, no one else will. Everyone else is going to value you to the extent that you value yourself.
which leads me to the second consequence of always saying yes or just always agreeing to something, and that is you lose respect by always saying yes. If people know that you're not gonna push back or you don't have any boundaries or any boundaries that you're willing to fight for, then your needs come last.
instead of appreciating you, they'll just start taking you for granted.
Maybe you start to get treated more like a convenience than a priority.
But the worst part is, is you'll slowly start to lose respect for yourself,
and that is the most damaging part because you know you're worth more, but you're betraying your own needs to make others happy.
[00:13:00] And then when you're always available, you're always accommodating. You're always saying yes. You don't become special. You become predictable.
Then people stop even asking you if something works for you. They just assume that you will accommodate them. They just assume that you'll just adjust. You'll just figure it out to make it work.
And then maybe they start to rely on you as a default. You start to feel used, you start to feel invisible, you feel probably resentful, but you're not. Maybe you're not sure why,
But you can't even really be mad at them because you've set those expectations by always saying yes and always being accommodating.
And then if you're always saying yes or always agreeing to everything, when will you focus on what's most important to you? When do your needs start coming First?
So if you are [00:14:00] someone who has goals, then those get pushed aside because now you're focused on someone else's needs. Or let's say you have, a lot of creative outlets. Well, now. you are not as creative because you're spending that energy somewhere else.
So you're just putting yourself in all these other places rather than having focus on what matters to you most right now.
And then over time, you might wonder why your life isn't exactly where you want it to be or where you envisioned it to be, or your own dreams aren't progressing forward. Because this whole time you thought you were being helpful to everyone else, and maybe you thought that it would come back to you and that it would be reciprocated over time, but it hasn't.
let's say, you consistently say yes to people, right? And as we know, you only have so much time and energy. Each day, each week in your life. So when you're constantly saying yes, you tend to overcommit yourself. You overextend what you're actually capable of, [00:15:00] and you can end up breaking promises.
And that's to yourself and other people. I know my husband has been guilty of this. I hope he doesn't get mad at me for sharing this, but this is something that I have many talks with him on because he is someone that he just, he doesn't want conflict and I love that about him. Like he doesn't, he just wants to keep the peace.
He is a very cool, calm level-headed guy. He gets along with everyone and He's like the calm to my storm, Which is why I love him. But he tends to say yes a lot, even though I think he subconsciously truly wants to help. He, he wants the answer to be yes, he wants.
To be able to be there for everyone, but he can't. And I think many of us feel conflicted in that way, where we wanna be able to say yes to everyone, but it's just, it's not realistic. And even though you want to say yes, and [00:16:00] maybe you do, then what happens is when you can't. Follow through on that thing because you overextended yourself.
Now you're feeling like you're letting other people down because maybe they asked you for something and in the moment you truly wanted to help and it was a yes. But then you realize later on that you really don't have the time. You don't have the capacity, and it, it probably should have been a no, but you didn't really spend the time to think about it.
It was just a, a reaction. And now you're letting people close to you down because you went back on your word. And I think that your word is so important, and that's why it's so important to just be honest. If you can't do something, then it's okay to say no. Or maybe you don't even say no in that moment.
Tell them that you'll think about it. Tell them that you know what, let me just evaluate my schedule and I'll get back to you. It doesn't have to be an immediate answer all the time, and I think a lot of us can get stuck in thinking that we [00:17:00] have to respond without even checking in with ourself or our situation.
But in addition to possibly letting people down, because you're saying yes too much, you're likely dropping other balls, you're missing other commitments because you're just overextending yourself. you can't be everywhere at once and you can't give your energy to everything at once.
And then when you're saying yes, and then you can't meet those commitments, now you might feel guilty or you might be stressed out because you've committed to too many things. Or you have like this, this sense of failure that you're not delivering in the way that you wanted to.
But the real issue isn't whether or not you're capable or whether or not you even want to help. Sometimes it's just a matter of your capacity.
If you're always putting your needs last, then stress tends to become like a normal feeling. You're almost desensitized to it.
Like that is just your regular state of being and you're just in this constant exhaustion [00:18:00] because you're just stretching yourself way too thin with all of these commitments and obligations, And then you might start to tie your self worth with how useful you are,
Maybe you think, well, if I'm not helpful, then I'm not really valuable.
But if you believe that, then slowly, your confidence, your joy and your sense of self will diminish over time. And I can speak from experience as a mom. Moms are always expected to be there and always expected to make everything. Easier for everyone else. Make sure everyone else is happy, make sure everyone else has their needs met. And I think our nature is to be of assistance, to be helpful. But I can speak from experience.
when you do that too much, then yes, you're going to be exhausted. You're gonna be stressed out. And when you're exhausted and stressed. How valuable are you [00:19:00] really to everyone else? Like you have to remember to put yourself first sometimes, like it's all good to help people, but you can't do it at your own expense.
and if you're constantly saying yes, you can actually hurt others without even knowing it. Like you're not even aware that you're doing it, you are teaching them not to be accountable. So if you're always stepping in, if you're always agreeing to something, then people are a lot less likely to build resilience as much as they could if they figured it out on their own.
they don't develop problem solving skills if they're always coming to you for everything. So there's really no skin in the game if you're always gonna be the one fixing it. what you might feel like in that moment is kindness or. Assistance. You might be enabling bad habits or some kind of like emotional dependency, or you're just like stunting their growth. Sometimes the most supportive thing that you [00:20:00] can do is. Say no and let someone else depend on themselves for the solution because that's the only way some people will learn independence and how to problem solve.
So let's think about the people you have in your life that you rarely or maybe never say no to. And ask yourself, do they respect my time? Do they check in on me and my capacity? Do they reciprocate? You know if saying yes is truly built on respect and appreciation, you feel energized afterwards,
you're not gonna feel drained or resentful or invisible.
Oftentimes your emotional response is already telling you the answer.
And if you're always saying yes to everything. It's not necessarily making you more helpful, it can actually make you less effective. So think about when you're at work and you're [00:21:00] constantly being asked to juggle more and more and more. Let's say you already have, 10, 15 things on your plate and you know someone's asking you to do five more, 10 more, and you're saying yes to all of them.
Are you actually doing your best work? Probably not. Your energy's scattered all over the place, . Or Are you spread so thin that nothing really gets your full attention, you know? So now it's, it's quantity over quality.
So by saying yes to everything, it doesn't necessarily make you more reliable, it makes you overloaded, it makes you over capacity. You're probably gonna be a lot more distracted and a lot less productive.
think of your time as a trade. Every yes you say has a cost. So when you say yes to something. You're instantly saying no to something else because you can't do two things at the same time. if you're saying yes to, let's say, staying at work [00:22:00] late, then you're saying no to more time with your family, or you're saying no to additional rest that you might need if you're saying yes.
To helping everyone else all the time. Then you're saying no to your own priorities. If you say yes to Netflix every night or mindless scrolling for hours, you are automatically saying no to working on your goals or your learning and your growth. You can't get more time.
It just gets spent somewhere else., And I say this all the time, but you will never be younger than you are today. So with each hour passing, you have to be very, very conscious of how you're spending your time. If you're someone that, which I would imagine that you are, if you're listening to this or if you're watching this, you're someone that really wants to improve your life and by spending your time on.
things [00:23:00] that don't matter to you, then you're saying no to things that do.
Think about a parent who never says no. They always say yes to everything that their kid wants. I think all of us have experienced something like that. Even if you don't know someone personally, maybe you've seen 'em in the store or passing down the street, you see a parent just being super accommodating to their kid.
what does that usually look like, . There's No boundaries. There's no structure. There's no respect. There's no limits. The child just demands. They just take their parent for granted. They have expectations that are completely unrealistic. The parent just becomes a total pushover.
Boundaries don't have to create resentment. Boundaries create safety, respect, and trust.
And the same rule applies in adult relationships too. So if you never set boundaries, then you aren't demanding that respect.
think about highly [00:24:00] successful people, people who have made, millions of dollars or who have created a, a successful empire. Do you think that. The most fulfilled, successful, wealthy people say yes to everyone and everything. I would venture to say they probably say no a lot. if they were to say yes to every interview, every request, They probably wouldn't be where they are today. If they spread themselves so thin, they wouldn't have the time to work on what it was that made them successful. So you can't be endlessly available if you really wanna build something.
You can't prioritize everyone else's needs over your own.
So they protect their time. They say no. Often they let people be uncomfortable and they choose alignment over approval. you have to choose what matters to you over what's gonna make the next person [00:25:00] happy.
But you don't always have to. It doesn't have to just be a no. There are other ways to go about this. So one of the ways that you can say no without it being never is, you could say not right now. I can't do this today, but I do have some more time next week.
Could we plan a time next week?
Or I can't make that morning meeting, but I could do 3:00 PM Would that work?
Or if it's a matter of prioritizing, you know, if someone is asking you to , do more and you're already at capacity, remind them like I'm already at X number of projects. If that is a priority, which one of these projects needs to be less of a priority? Because if everything is a priority, then nothing is a priority.
Something is going to have to take a backseat. So you might not just say no, but you're saying, sure I can do that, but there's something else then that I can't do.
You are not necessarily rejecting the request, you're just honoring your [00:26:00] capacity and your time, and then maybe it's not saying no to. The what, but you're saying a no to the how. So maybe you're gonna say, that doesn't work for me, but . Here's a different solution that I could do. I can't do it in the way that you're asking, but I can do it this way, Maybe it's, I can't help you move, but I can help you pack or unpack or I can come over and help you decorate or I can help you clean. There are also times when you can give a temporary yes. With a future. No. So for example, you can say, I can help this time, but going forward, I want you to do this on your own How about I'll walk you through it so that way you will know how to do it going forward. It's kind of that mentality of if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach a man a fish, he'll eat for a lifetime.
So you're [00:27:00] preventing them from being dependent on you and you're teaching them how to respect your time, and then you're also helping them build confidence in themselves.
When saying, no, you have to use discernment. there aren't black and white rules, so you have to ask yourself before you say Yes, does this align with my values?
Does this support my goals
by saying, yes, will this strengthen or will it possibly weaken our relationship?
Ask yourself, do I have the time? Do I have the bandwidth? Do I have the emotional capacity to say yes?
Here's a really important one. Do I genuinely want to do this?
Or am I just saying yes because I'm afraid of disappointing them, or I'm afraid there might be a little bit of conflict or some kind of rejection if I don't?
This one is a really important one. Context matters. [00:28:00] So I've mentioned this before, but I'm not saying just, just start saying no to everything. There's, there's a huge difference in. Like if a family member is sick or injured and they might need your help or your attention. So my son recently had ACL surgery, so I don't think I mentioned this.
So on a previous episode I mentioned that it was a minor knee injury, it was not minor. We ended up going in to urgent care and then seeing orthopedic and they ended up doing an MRI and it was a complete ACL tear and meniscus tear, which really, really sucks because this was his senior year in basketball and with his ankle injury last year. It was completely devastating. I cried the whole weekend when we found out, but I obviously have a lot going on right now with trying to build this podcast and plan content and do research I feel like I'm always busy, and in addition to that, you know, I've [00:29:00] got my husband, I've got my other son, my oldest is now recovering.
I still have to be there for him if he needs my help. He's. Handicapped right now. He's on crutches, he's in a brace. He can't do a lot of the things that he normally could do. He can't drive. He just now started putting a little bit of weight on it, but it, it's hard to do that because.
He needs stability, so he needs my help to get into the shower. He might need my help to make food. I'm not gonna tell him no, I'm working on my goals right now. No, that doesn't align with my priorities at the moment. Of course not. Whatever he needs, I'm gonna be there for him. He comes first right now.
So I'm not saying just completely abandon showing up for people who matter or for things that matter. I'm saying have the ability to discern what matters and what doesn't.
So Let's say [00:30:00] you have a ton of things that you need to get to, and these are really important tasks that you've time blocked and you've planned and you have a whole schedule of how you wanna get these done, and then you get this last minute invitation to something.
What you had planned to do was really important, and maybe you had a deadline or maybe it was the only time you had to work on this thing. It's okay to say no to that thing. if that event or that visit or whatever it was, was super last minute, then there probably wasn't a lot of thought involved. Saying no isn't about restriction. It's about directing your energy to what truly matters.
And I touched on this a little bit before, but trust your gut. Your body's response is going to be the first thing that you feel your body knows so much quicker than your brain. when you're being asked to do this thing. You'll probably notice something in your body, like if it's a no, you're going to [00:31:00] feel it somewhere.
Like I know for me, this actually happened not too long ago. I was asked to do something and I was like. It created this physiological response that I just, I got hot right away. I was so angry and I knew, I just felt it was an instant, no, it was a hell no. And everyone's different.
You'll probably feel it somewhere else. Maybe you'll get like a tight chest or shoulders Maybe it's like a really heavy sigh or you feel like this anger wash over you or it's like this instant, resentment or defensiveness. That's probably a no Versus someone asks you for something and it's just like a calm sense of clarity and you are okay with it, maybe you wanna help, you'll make time. You know, you can make time for this thing. Just listen to your body. Your body's gonna know.
Another thing I've heard recently, which I really liked because I really struggle with indecisiveness at times, and I heard somewhere where they were like, if you are [00:32:00] not sure if you're undecided, if you can't make up your mind, then it's a no. And I thought about that and I'm like, that's so true, because when I've.
Purchase things or started things it's always been like a yes. Like I need that, I want that. I wanna do it. there has been no question, and it's always things that really matter to me too. So like when I saw the face of my little sweet puppy over here, who's sleeping so peacefully.
When I first saw her face online, when I was looking, I wasn't even, I wasn't even committed to buying a dog yet. Like, I didn't even know that's what I wanted. I was just kind of like, eh, let's just see what's out there. I saw her face, so just as much as I'm saying trust your gut in like a, like a negative response, trust your gut in a positive response too, because when I saw her face, I got.
Butterflies. It was the weirdest feeling like seeing an animal online. And I was like, I got instant [00:33:00] butterflies in my stomach. I'm like, that's got to mean something. And then turns out when I call the breeder, she was the only dog left. They had sold all of the other ones. She was the only one left. It was like, I just knew, or our house we probably looked at 10 houses and there was another house that I looked at or that my husband and I looked at and I was like, oh, well I like this about it, but I don't really like this. And I don't know, they had a really nice backyard, but I didn't really like the size of their garage.
And it was just like this back and forth. And my husband was like, no, we're not doing that. Nope, I don't want it. We're not doing it. And I was like, okay. Like I respect that. And then we saw this house and there was. No doubt. It was just instant. Like, I know this is what I want. My husband, when I met him, maybe it wasn't instantly, but after dating him for a while, there was a moment that I just looked at him.
He was just sitting on a couch and I was like, he's the one. Like I just knew it [00:34:00] so. Off on a tangent here, but your body isn't being dramatic. Your body is being honest. Like, listen to your body. It knows best.
Okay? so when you stop saying yes, out of guilt and out of fear and out of obligation, you start to let your nervous system breathe, right? You protect your time and your energy, your mental health, your emotional bandwidth, and you just have like this overall peace and clarity because you know you're being true to yourself.
So you're preventing burnout and resentment, and when your yeses are intentional, then your mind is quieter, and then your life just feels lighter.
Your time and your energy become a lot more valuable. So if there is a limited supply of something, that automatically increases the value. So think about when there's like a limited number of cars that are manufactured, right?
Oh, there's only five of these in the entire world that [00:35:00] instantly I increases. Demand because there is less supply. So when you say yes to everything, you start to set these expectations that your time, your energy, and all of that is like this unlimited supply. it doesn't seem as valuable because you're always available, but when your availability has boundaries, then when you do say yes, that carries more weight, and then your presence and your time and your energy becomes more valued and more respected.
People are more considerate. When they ask you for things because they don't just expect you to be available all the time,
and then you start to teach people how to treat you. So every time you say yes, when you actually mean no, or you overextend yourself or you ignore your own needs, you unintentionally are teaching everyone else what to expect of you. When you have super clear boundaries, now you're setting the expectations. You [00:36:00] establish that mutual respect, and then you're creating healthier and more balanced relationships because of it.
when you avoid conflict. It doesn't necessarily keep relationships healthy because saying No forces accountability. So this is probably one of the hardest lessons I've learned being a parent.
It is so tempting. To just say yes and just do things for them. But if you say no to helping someone with something, you give them space to stretch their own limits and learn problem solving skills, grow from their experiences. You stop rescuing them and start empowering them because now they have skin in the game.
People start to take ownership. If someone always knows that you'll just come in and fix it for them, you'll handle it. You'll save them. They'll never have to fully commit to figuring it out for themselves.
So sometimes the most loving thing you can do or [00:37:00] the most respectful thing you can do is not step in because when people struggle, that's where they find strength and accountability is where growth really happens for them and for you.
So how do we say no without burning bridges?
I touched on this before, offer an alternative. I can't make it to your party, but I would love to take you to breakfast or lunch or dinner another time, Or, that doesn't work for me right now, but here's what does work. This keeps that connection without betraying yourself.
Again, saying yes now, but then removing that future dependency so I can help you this time and while I'm there I'll show you how to do it. so going forward, you can handle it on your own.
This way you are empowering them without completely abandoning them,
and then align your decisions with your values. maybe you say, no, an international trip doesn't really align with my financial goals right now, but I'm open to a weekend getaway somewhere [00:38:00] local.
That's not a no forever, you're saying no right now you are being true to your values and your priorities right now.
And capacity is a real limitation. You can say, I'm at capacity right now. Let's reconnect when my workload lightens up. Or, I don't have the bandwidth to do this right now, and I wanna be honest about that. Burnout doesn't help anyone, so just be honest. Where you stand.
Clarify expectations instead of just accepting misalignment. So this is really helpful in work environments. I've had to do this myself at times, so you can say, you know, I'm concerned that this task or responsibility doesn't really align with my role. Let's clarify expectations and come to an agreement.
Boundaries protect your performance and your respect.
And again. Not everything deserves immediate attention. You can say that's not a priority right now. Focus on what [00:39:00] matters and then revisit it later. Or just because something is urgent for someone else doesn't necessarily mean that it's urgent for you.
Or you can use conditional yeses and clear nos. This is a secret that a lot of people miss. So you can say yes if fill in the blank, or no, unless fill in the blank. So you can set clear expectations, timelines, limits, or define what would need to change in order for it to be a yes. So example yes, I can do this.
If we can set a clear deadline or No, I can't do this unless we adjust the scope. when you're clear, then that helps prevent resentment in the future saying no isn't about being unavailable. It's not about being difficult or restricting things or rejecting everyone. It's just about being available to what really matters to you. What I'd like you to do is before you [00:40:00] say yes to something this week or this month, pause and ask yourself, do I really want this?
Do I really wanna do this? If I say yes. What else am I saying no to? Or am I saying yes out of obligation or just because I don't wanna make someone mad. I don't wanna cause any kind of conflict. If it's not a clear yes, then let it be a respectful no. So. Pay attention to how it feels. Okay? So once you've done this, or once you've thought about what you actually wanna start saying no to more, share it with me.
Drop me a dm. I would love to hear your feedback. What has really resonated with you in this episode? Hit me up. Thanks for listening. Hope to see you on the next episode.
