EP20 (Final) - You Love Your Kids but You Lost Yourself in Mom Life (Let’s Find Her Again)
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[00:00:00] You're like the stars in outer space. Something about you radiates. And it feels so nice, and it feels so nice, yeah
Hello, beautiful people, and welcome back to another episode of the Starlit Success Podcast. I am your host Jessica Gaines, and this episode today feels very personal. it's something that, I've witnessed over my almost 18 years of being a mother and witnessing, , a lot of my friends go from being, their own person to becoming a mom and a wife,
and all of the responsibilities that come with that, and I've seen the transformation within myself. I've seen it within my friends, and I just felt like this was such an important topic for me to cover because I have like that firsthand experience and I just want to bring more awareness to it.
I see so many moms suffering with this, and I want you to know that you are not alone. and you might be a mom that like [00:01:00] really needs to hear this. after having kids, I feel like we tend to lose sight of who we are as an individual. Like who we were before we had kids or before we got married.
It's not, I don't think it's on purpose. I think it's actually pretty natural.
What happens is after we have our first baby, it's like our instincts instantly shift, right? It's just innate. Your number one priority becomes this helpless little newborn,
this little person depends on you for absolutely everything. So it's like, of course you're gonna prioritize your baby's needs over your own, over everyone else because you want 'em to live. Number one, you want 'em to grow, you want them to thrive.
and in the beginning, of course it feels, it feels normal. It feels natural. It feels necessary and it's exciting, right? You've got this tiny little human, you got your new nursery, you've got all the new baby clothes. It's fun. I mean, think about when you're a little girl, like when I was a little girl, [00:02:00] you had your little baby dolls, and I swear
the best dolls were the ones that interacted in some way, like they cried or you were able to feed them, or they would make wet diapers like this has been our instinct, even as little girls, Maybe not everyone wants to be a mom, but for the most part, a lot of women want to be a mother at some point.
And for me, gosh, after having my oldest, like he cried. Talk about wanting a baby that like cries or that needs you. Oh, I had a baby that needed me. All right. Like. After about two weeks that newborn honeymoon stage was over, he cried so much that I would cry. He would cry, I would cry. I would just hand him over to Eddie.
, And I would go outside and I would sit on the porch and I would cry. Sometimes my mom would take 'em for a few hours, and of course, being a new mother, you're constantly worried. So I'd call her, Hey mom. Like I wouldn't even get. The, Hey mom, like, how's he doing out?
And I would hear him crying on the other end of the phone [00:03:00] and it was like, I don't, I don't wish that on anyone. I don't know where I'm going with that. I'm just going off on a tangent here. I was just bringing up being a new mother and all of these like stressed out moments came flooding back to me.
my point is life doesn't stop after you have a baby. you usually get off like six weeks I think for short-term disability. And then if you can use FMLA, you can get another six weeks. So total you can get off 12 weeks.
But that's usually it. if you're a working mom, you go right back. To life after about 12 weeks, slaps you in the face. It was so hard going back to work after having a baby. thank God, at the time my husband wasn't working, 'cause handing him off to a stranger, a daycare that would've been.
I don't know how I would've handled that. Like you moms out there that had to hand your baby over at six weeks or 12 weeks, man, you guys deserve some kind of trophy or a badge of honor because I don't think I could have did that. And then it's like you go to work and all you can think about is your baby, [00:04:00] what they're doing and how they're feeling and did they eat and are they crying?
Are they happy?
But your, your responsibilities never stop, You just have another one that is the most important one of your life now,
even more so than your own. And then your responsibilities. Just start stacking up.
Especially if you have more than one child, or, I couldn't even imagine if you had twins at the time, , so you already had like your housework, bills, grocery shopping. Your career, your marriage, or your relationship. You already had all of those and now you have a baby on top of it, and now you have to manage all of it with a baby or with multiple children.
And then before you even know it, like, before you even realize it, then it's like activities, So you wanna keep your child busy, you want them to learn things, you want them to explore things. So now you're signing 'em up for things. So I remember with Javen, we signed 'em up for like tumbling classes and , basketball and boy [00:05:00] Scouts, and then they have homework and.
School activities or you know, practices or play dates and you got the drop offs and the pickups from practices., It just becomes so much and all of a sudden one day it hits you and you realize your life revolves around everyone and everything else.
Your day has become about. What your kids need, what your husband needs, what the house needs, what everyone else needs.
And you, you start to forget what you need. You start to forget like, who am I outside of all of this?
And that is where I believe the biggest problem begins. And that is just believing that being a mother is your identity instead of looking at it as one of the roles that you play.
Now, don't get me wrong, being a mom is one of the most important roles you will ever have in your lifetime. I know for me it is like being a mom is one of one of the things that I hold dearest. Right? But really at the [00:06:00] end of the day, it's still a role. Like I was still a person with my own identity before my kids came along.
I still am today. And so are you.
And I just wanna clarify, like a role is something that you do. It's, it's one of your responsibilities
or a position that you hold, and those can fluctuate and change over time.
But your identity is who you are at the core, who you were before your kids arrived.
What are the characteristics about you? What are the qualities about you that make you, you?
What kind of person are you like beyond the role of being a mom?
I think that is where we kind of like, we blend the two together. I know for myself, like if someone were to be like, who are you? One of the first answers I would give is, well, I'm a mom. because I've acquired this identity and they have consumed so much of my, my life,
I just start to feel like that's just part of who I am, and I [00:07:00] tend to forget that that's just one of the roles that I play, that I'm so much more than just a mom.. I'm hoping you can't tell, but I literally just had to pause this recording and go help my sons deal with a conflict because they, I mentioned they run their own business together and they're detailing, they have like three detail appointments today, and I am like the director of hr, so I have to help them solve all of their relationship conflicts whenever they work on jobs.
So anyway, I told 'em. I'm busy right now. Okay. Since we're on the topic of moms always putting everyone else first, I'm putting myself first. So where was I? okay. when someone asks you who you are, oftentimes if you're a mom, like that's one of the first things that you say,
but we don't think about like. no, who are you really? If someone were to ask you who you are and you couldn't answer with being a mom, for me, I would say I'm super caring, I'm really funny. I'm extremely curious. I'm [00:08:00] driven.
I love people. I love to learn. I love astrology.
I love adventure. I love travel. I mean, I could go on and on, but it's like really? Who are you besides being a mom, besides your role of mom?
I mean, it is, it is one of the most important roles you will ever have.
you are literally responsible for not only creating this life, but nurturing it. And ultimately, I mean, I would hope that your goal is to make sure that your child is prepared for the real world to tackle it on their own someday. So it's understandable that we would kind of put that over everything else.
We just forget who we are before having kids or after having kids,
because oftentimes, you're pulled in so many different directions all the time. Like I said, I just had to pause this and go help my kids. You are stretched so thin I guess it's natural for your hobbies to kind of take a backseat because you're so limited on your focus and your time and your energy and just taking care of everyone else all the time.
You don't feel like you have the [00:09:00] capacity to, to do anything more,
and like the things that you felt made you feel more like you just tend to become a little less important because your kids are your number one priority for quite some time.
And I also feel like we tend to think that being a good mom means that we come last in every other area., If you put yourself first, then maybe you're selfish. You know? Like your kids should come first no matter what. But I think that that can create an unhealthy dynamic.
Like if you don't have balance, I'm, I'm a big believer in just everything in life requires balance. And I think being a mom is no different. You need to have a healthy balance of taking care of your kids and taking care of yourself.
And if you're always putting everyone else first, , you're tipping the scales. Then it's out of balance,
you know, you're just so busy pouring yourself into all of these other roles, with your kids, with your spouse, with [00:10:00] your career, that you stop pouring into yourself.
And when that happens, you tend to lose connection with who you are outside of taking care of everyone else.
Maybe you had kids so young, you never even got a chance to really discover who you were or who you are.
I truly believe , in order to be a good mom, you have to be good yourself. You have to be whole.
Otherwise, that'll, that'll just reflect in every other role that you have.
So I am just curious if any of these scenarios feel a little familiar. You stay up really late at night, probably past your bedtime, maybe you're binging a new Netflix series, or maybe you're just scrolling on your phone late at night because that's like the only time of the day that you have to yourself.
and you're too tired to do anything else because you've just given yourself to everyone and everything else all day. And you get like this little sliver of time at night and you're just like, I just want to escape. maybe you needed some extra laughs, [00:11:00] right?
Or you're, you're constantly thinking about your endless to-do lists these to-do lists as a mom are crazy.
Sports schedules, field trips, slips, grocery lists.
Lunch balances, birthday gifts, figuring out what's for dinner like. I mean, I could literally go on and on about the endless amount of things that we always have to think about. I.
And oftentimes, we feel mentally buried by all of it. , There's like the physical labor of having to do it all, but then we have this mental labor of having to think about it all and plan it all.
And I bet for most of you, your partner, your spouse, your husband probably has no idea. They have no clue about everything that you do. I remember there was a week a few months ago where I started to feel a little underappreciated. And I'm not gonna lie, for the most part, my husband treats me like a fricking queen, right?
And my sons, they're working on it, right? [00:12:00] I started to feel like everyone just had all of these expectations on me and I was getting really fed up. So I created a list in my phone of every single thing that I did that they had no clue about that they had no idea that I did. And I just wonder sometimes, like,, what would they do?
what would they do if they knew I was doing all of this stuff behind the scenes? Well, fast forward a little bit, they all apologized. They started to become like really thoughtful, really helpful. And then at that point I was like, okay,
once I saw that they realized how they were acting and took ownership of it, then I thought it would just be petty if I shared it. So I didn't share it.
But I mean, have you ever felt that rage, like that rage of how much stuff you have to do and how much people just expect you to do it, or if you've ever had like a messy house. Or like laundry piling up, dishes piling up, and you see your kids are just playing video [00:13:00] games or your husband is just like sitting on the couch watching a game, and you want to lose your mind,
For most of us moms, that situation right there, that scenario wouldn't even enter our realm of consciousness. Like that would be unfathomable. We couldn't even think of sitting down while the house was a mess. Like there's no way. Mentally, we can relax if there's stuff that needs to be done, like our minds are constantly going.
So it's like when you see that other people in your household can do that, . It sends you in a spiral.
I had to look up some stats because I know I'm not alone and that's why I'm recording this because, I mean, me and my friends, we talk about this all the time. I actually have apologized to my mom and I'm like, you know what, mom? I understand why you used to lose your shit. When I was younger, I thought she was a complete psycho.
I was like, oh my God, why is she losing her mind like this? And now being a [00:14:00] mom and having teenage boys and all that, having a husband and running a household, I'm like, I get it. Like I have to lose my mind more often than I would care to admit. And I'm sure a lot of you are in the same boat. But it just gets to a point where it's like, nobody takes me serious unless I act like a fricking psycho.
I wanted to look up some statistics , these numbers are pretty alarming.
A study of, I don't know how many moms, 79% of them said they feel invisible. 95% of moms feel underappreciated.
93% feel like they've been reduced to just mom.
And 98% of moms, so like almost all of these moms all, feel like this loss of identity affects their mental health, which contributes to depression, anxiety, burnout, all of the bad feelings.
, And I just look at it like, what is the point of all of this hard work? If we're not even [00:15:00] happy, we're not even happy and fulfilled doing it. what is the point of all of it? So I was trying to think of a way to help illustrate this or help picture what this looks like.
'Cause I, I think there's gonna be some moms who might feel like, no, being a mom is who I am and it's a part of who you are, right? It's something that you. You carry with you, but you're so much more than just a mom. So look at it from. The perspective of like your identity is your backbone.
So that is just, that's you. That is in you. That is part of you. That is what holds you up and think of being a mom as like a really heavy backpack, right? So it's something that you carry around, It's really heavy. There's a lot of responsibility. There's a lot of things that go into it, but.
You have to put it down sometimes to be able to rest. Like if you were to just carry it around all day and all night, how miserable would you be?
If you [00:16:00] never put down the weight of the responsibilities, that being a mother holds your back would give out and you would be useless to everyone.
So my point is, being a good mom doesn't mean sacrificing yourself.
You are allowed to be who you are outside of the role of mom.
You need to start spending some more time alone, like start putting yourself first where you can.
Do some things that excite you. Do some things that bring you joy and not everyone else all the time.
You guys, I literally just had to pause this again because my dog was barking There she is. Jazzy the kids. Let her out and never let her back in. It's like I have never been interrupted.
More recording than I have on this episode, and I find it kind of ironic. Anyway, so where was I? So. Do some things that bring you joy. Do some things that are exciting to you. Get to know yourself again. You know, take some time to remember who the hell you are.
I feel like this [00:17:00] whole issue of. Being a mom, taking over your identity is kind of what led to me getting to the point where I was feeling unfulfilled at work because I had always been so focused on my role at work, my role at home, like my role is a wife. all of the different roles that I've played where now I've come to a point where I'm like, wait a minute.
Who am I again? Like what am I supposed to be doing? Because I have, I haven't been focused on myself. I've been focused on everything else, and it kind of ties into the whole like. Problems are opportunities for growth. So I, I have this problem of feeling unfulfilled and I think part of it is because I have focused on being a mom for so long that I've just lost touch with myself as an individual.
And I'm finally starting to realize like I am so much more than a wife, then a mother. Then, , the role that I play at work. So now I'm doing something for me that I feel [00:18:00] will also help other people. But this is what brings me so much joy and so much purpose, and I just want that for everyone. I want everyone to have some kind of like self-expression, a way they can be creative, a way they can just explore who they are
What their purpose is, what their passionate about. I think that's just what makes life so much more fun.
So when you take this time to get to know yourself better and just like get curious about yourself and understand like maybe who you were before you had kids, or like I said, if you were too young to even understand who you were before having kids, taking time to understand who you are now
and if you take this time to figure out, what lights you up, what brings you joy, what are you passionate about? finding your purpose is so important. You're gonna be so much happier and don't your kids deserve to have a happy mom? I feel like all kids deserve to have a happy mom.
Do you know studies have shown that a mother's happiness is the single most important indicator. Of the family's stability, [00:19:00] and not only the family's stability, but the child's ability to thrive as an adult. That is the number one indicator, not if you're married, not how much money you make.
Not even how you parent, not the dad's happiness. It's the mom's happiness.
And then wouldn't it just be nice to have some more pleasure and joy in your days and not just feel like you're always just doing everything for everyone else all the time.
Balance is everything. How much better are you gonna feel if you know that you're able to take care of your family, but also take care of yourself?
You're probably not gonna be as resentful if you know that you're putting yourself first too.
And then I feel like you're gonna be more present. If you know who you are and you're pursuing something that brings you joy and brings you happiness I feel like then you're able to show up more fully and more authentic with your family.
Because I know, I know. You probably know if mom's not happy. The whole house feels it, right? what do they say? Happy wife, [00:20:00] happy life too. Right? , The mom is the glue. The mom is like the motor.
And if we don't take care of ourselves, that is gonna just ripple out throughout everyone else.
So if you're taking care of yourself and you're happy, and you're fulfilled and you're at peace, how is that gonna ripple throughout your life, especially throughout your home and throughout your kids and your husband, and your everyone, your friends, your family, everybody.
So I want you to just start by asking yourself, who am I? Who are you beyond being a mom or beyond any of your roles? Like who are you at the core?
Ask yourself what brings me joy? What am I curious about? What energizes me? start to ask yourself some of these questions, this will at least just give you kind of like a launching pad to take the necessary steps to get out of just that role of being mom.
You know, I look back like, I don't know. I don't know if I ever asked myself these [00:21:00] questions before my, my self-development journey. I mean, I started asking myself these questions a few years ago, and one of the best practices that I can recommend is to do this over the course of time, not just one day.
'cause I feel like your days. Are so different. You know, some of my days just look completely, completely different from the next. And you're going to realize that different parts of you come out different characteristics and the way you express yourself one day might be completely different from the next.
Okay, so I actually did this a few years ago and I have my journal here. I actually have a couple journals, but this is one that I would just kind of like jot down my notes and my thoughts and. My aspirations and I took a week to ask myself who I was because like I said, I feel like your self-expression, your personality, can fluctuate.
It can, you know, different parts of you come out in different [00:22:00] environments, in different situations, different, days, whatever. So every day I ask myself, who am I for a whole week? And this is it. If you can see right here. If you're not watching this on YouTube, and if you're listening, I was just holding up my journal with all of my answers to who am I?
And it's interesting 'cause I'm gonna read it here. So the first one I started with kind, thoughtful, caring, and then I went into all of my roles, just like I said I would. Right. so my first one was wife. Mom, daughter, friend, coworker. That's how I identified myself at least. I started with kind, thoughtful, and caring.
So I put that over my roles, but it's interesting after that. Then I, it was nothing but just like qualities and characteristics. It wasn't anything about any roles anymore. So I would like you to start this. So each day ask yourself for a whole week, who am I? And don't list any roles. ask yourself who you are as a [00:23:00] person.
Some other examples I wrote were curious, purpose-driven, intuitive, energetic, love of lifelong learning, a leader, inspiring, motivating. And this is all before I even started this, right? And it was super helpful for me.
'cause like sometimes I would just go back to this, it's very interesting looking at this now because literally all of these qualities and characteristics that I wrote down I'm using and doing this and doing this podcast and helping other people. So I feel like this is a really good exercise because some days it was like. I'm productive. I'm a planner, right? But another day I'm like, I'm fun, I'm energetic. I'm spontaneous because different days are gonna bring out different aspects of how you show up. And then, date yourself.
When I consider dating, when you're dating a person, like in a romantic relationship, the whole purpose of you dating them is to get to know them, right? Is to get to know if you're compatible, what you like about them, if you wanna continue seeing them. [00:24:00] So like, do that with yourself.
Date yourself. You wanna get to know yourself on a deeper level. So carve out some time each day just for yourself. like for me, I love to take my dog on walks. I love to read. I love, being outside.. I love just having that alone time to just focus on myself. I can't say that I always did that in the past.
A lot of my alone time. I would spend probably watching tv, you know, something that's not really gonna help me get to know who I am. oh, another thing is try a class, like try signing up for a class or like starting a hobby that interests you. And something that like has nothing to do with being a parent, you know, something that just brings you some sort of fulfillment.
So for me, one of the first things I did was signing up for my NLP certification course because I was so interested in the mind and how people kind of interpret reality I just wanted to know as much as I possibly could about it. So I took that, I got certified in NLP [00:25:00] hypnotherapy EFT, life coaching, a bunch of certifications, but that was interesting to me and it was something that I could just do for myself., Just get to know who you are beyond all of your responsibilities, right? Put all of those aside and just focus on who you are from this deeper level.
Then another one that's really important that I probably should have done before recording this episode is set boundaries and like establish some really clear communication with your children, with your spouse, that this is a priority for you right now.
I told them that I was going to tell them when I recorded, but I don't think I actually did because normally before I record, I'm gonna be unavailable for a few hours. So I put my phone on do not disturb and I tell everyone in the house, Hey, I'm gonna record. So everybody knows. Do not interrupt Mom.
Right. I think I forgot to do that this time and that's why I was interrupted so much. , A good illustration of why it's. So important to set those boundaries, [00:26:00] ask for help too. Like, Hey, I need to record this weekend. I'm gonna be unavailable for a few hours. Can you make sure that the dishes get done or the dog gets walked, or, , the kids are doing a few details.
Can you make sure that they have what they need? Ask for help. That's okay.
If you're not, you know, obviously hosting a podcast like me, if it's just like, you wanna take a class or start a hobby, letting them know, Hey, I'm gonna need a couple hours this day to tend to myself to explore this new interest that I have. I can guarantee that they're gonna be supportive of you because your family wants to see you happy.
another thing that I did was like, I was so tired of everyone relying on me for groceries. if we didn't have milk. Everyone would come to me like, mom, we don't have milk. And I'm like, are you kidding me? So there's two other drivers in this house. , Everybody has money. Nobody can run to the store and grab a fricking gallon of milk.
Everyone is just helpless and comes [00:27:00] to me all the time. So I'm like, I had to have a sit down with everybody and set those boundaries. everybody knows the food that we have in the house. What we're running low on, it should not fall on me to make sure that we're fully stocked on everything all the time.
If you see that we're running low on something, go pick it up or make a list order, like do what you gotta do. Stop coming to me all the time. Sorry, I'm, I'm very passionate about this topic.
I'm sure some of you moms can relate out there. everyone always looks to you for everything. It's like, you guys are more than capable. So set those boundaries, empower them to help and to do things without you.
But most of all, just setting the boundaries to make sure that everyone is clear that you need their support.
And then finally like give yourself some freaking grace You do not need to feel guilty for putting yourself first. Sometimes so many moms have like this mom guilt, right? , If they look out [00:28:00] for themselves before someone else, and I'm telling you that is not necessary. 'cause I can guarantee no one else is feeling guilty when they're putting themselves first
you can't pour into them if your cup is empty, if you are so stressed out and burned out and unfulfilled and unhappy, how can you really help anyone else? It's kind of like the airplane oxygen mask idea. So if you're on a flight, they always say even if you have kids, you put your oxygen mask on first, because how can you help anyone else if you're passed out?
Like you gotta, you have to take care of yourself first in order for you to even be able to help everyone else. So stop feeling guilty.
Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's necessary.
So I just want you to remember you didn't stop being who you are. Once you had kids or once you became a mom, that part of you is still there.
You just have to give it a little [00:29:00] attention and a little time and a little space for it to come back to life.
So I would love to hear your experience and if this hit home for you, and maybe there's another mom out there that needs to hear this, share it with her. Let her know she is not alone. We're all feeling like this and it's okay to take care of yourself first.
Let me know in the comments, if you haven't already, please rate the show. any kind of engagement will help it get into the hands of the people that need it the most. And if you're not already following me on Instagram, you can follow me at Starlit Success or on YouTube also at Starlit Success.
Thank you for spending your time and energy with me today,
and I'll see you in the next episode.
The sun so bright, brighter than the sunshine
