EP22 Stop Forcing, Start Flowing: How to Respect Your Rhythm
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[00:00:00] You're like the stars in outer space. Something about you radiates. And it feels so nice, and it feels so nice, yeah
Hey, guys. Welcome back to another episode of the Starlit Success podcast. I am your host, as always, Jessica Gaines. And again, today is one of those episodes that I just love because it's almost like the universe sets me up for some of these.
So today I wanted to talk about just respecting your rhythm and working with your rhythm. And this morning I was planning on recording, and I just was feeling off. I just-- I don't know what was up with me. Eddie is like trying to joke with me, and I took it like he was just being annoying.
And I kind of felt bad after the fact 'cause I'm like, "God, I'm kinda being a bitch." But I'm like, "What do I need? Why am I not feeling it?" You know, the sun is out. It's a Saturday morning. I should be in a better mood. And I'm like, " You know what? I know what I need. I need to get outside. I need to get outside, I need to [00:01:00] walk my doggy, and I need to just get back in the vibe."
So that's what I did.
I packed Jazzy up, got her little harness on, put her leash on, got outside. I stopped, talked to one of my neighbors, I got some sun. Zanden pulled up on me in his e-bike, started talking to him.
And I'm like, "You know what? That's what I needed." I just needed some sunlight and some connection, and now I'm, I'm back in my high vibes. So I'm like, I'm so glad that that happened because I feel like so much of what we do every day is like forcing stuff, even if we don't really feel it, even though we're not really vibing with it.
And since we're talking about not vibing with things or not feeling it, I wanted to talk about a couple things that I don't really vibe with, that just have never really sat right with me. I never really understood them.
And they're considered habits that you would do to be successful, and one of them is that if you get up early, you will become more successful. You'll be more productive, and I just disagree with that.
[00:02:00] Research HASN'T proven that getting up early makes you more successful. So I don't really understand why we think that's the case. just because you get up early doesn't necessarily mean anything. It doesn't mean that you're gonna be more productive just because you woke up early.
In my opinion, if you get up early, that probably just means that you went to sleep earlier or that you just maybe don't need as much sleep as people like me, 'cause I'm not a morning person.
Let's say that you do get up early and you are more productive. That doesn't necessarily mean getting up any later means you will be less productive. So I'm one of those people that I get up on the weekends a little bit later than I do during the week. Not super late, but I wouldn't consider myself an early riser.
To me, if you're an early riser, you're up probably before 6:00 AM. I am not. I'm probably up by 7:00, 8:00, maybe something like that on the weekends, but I'm just as productive.
So getting up [00:03:00] later doesn't mean that you're any less productive than someone getting up earlier. You're just productive at a different time.
We're all different. All of our energy levels fluctuate on a day-to-day basis or on an hourly basis. I tend to be more productive later in the day. You know, I was up last night planning this episode till 10:00 PM.
I'm someone who, when I first wake up, I'm not much use to anyone around me. Like, I roll out of bed, I stumble to the couch, Eddie, bless his soul, brings me my coffee, and I just kind of, like zone out into one of the shows that I'm into these days, which is probably Swamp People or My Lottery Dream Home,
I need time to gather myself, to collect my thoughts, to just, like, ease into the day. My kids know, like, "Don't talk to mom before she's had her coffee. Like, let her finish her coffee first." I'm not someone who just, like, jumps out of bed and ready to crush her goals. I will crush my [00:04:00] goals, just not at 6:00 AM. Just not first thing in the morning. That's just not who I am. That's not my rhythm.
But Eddie, on the other hand, by 6:00 AM, he's probably already made music. He's probably put a shelf together. He's probably already made breakfast, and maybe he's even already gone to the gym, and that's just, that's his rhythm. He's a morning dude. I am not.
But I love that because one of us needs to be functional before 10:00 AM.
Another one that I don't, I don't vibe with or that, never has really made any sense to me is celebrating the new year and making all these New Year's resolutions wanting to, start over, start fresh January 1st when, in my mind, it's the middle of winter. It's dark. Everything is frozen and dead.
and maybe it's different if you live somewhere warm. I don't know. I live in southeastern Wisconsin, so January 1st, it's ... I don't even know how many hours we get with daylight, but we don't get a lot of daylight. I wanna say by, like, 5:00 [00:05:00] PM it's dark. you're very limited on sunlight, which is what I thrive off of.
it's hard to get inspired when it's dark and cold and dead everywhere, at least for me. I, I never really understood that. I was never one that made New Year's resolutions, and it got me thinking when I was planning this episode, like, who came up with this?
Why do we pick January 1st to start over? I get that it's a new year, but is it really the best time? It's not the best time for me, I guess. I did look it up. I had to look it up because I'm me, and it turns out it was a Roman god who named January January because it was named after the god Janus, J-A-N-U-S, which was the god of all beginnings.
I also learned a few years ago that the astrological new year is actually the spring equinox, Equinox, equinox. Mm. which in my mind makes so much more sense than January. Because the astrological new year aligning with the spring [00:06:00] equinox, that's where everything comes back to life.
That's when all the plants start growing and, you know, the bears come out of their caves and things just get back to normal.
Now, starting something new in spring, to me, would be so much more inspiring than starting something in the middle of winter. Because you see all this growth and this life happening around you, see all these baby bunnies, and the flowers are blooming, and the trees are blooming. Like, that's when I wanna start something.
I feel like so many more things should be more aligned with nature. I feel like nature is the gold standard, right?
We should take some notes.
But these are just a couple examples that I thought of that kinda shows how we don't always necessarily align with our own rhythm. We're trying to align with society's expectations and society's standards, and what someone else has deemed, the right thing to do or the right time to start.
And I think some of us think if we're not an early riser or we're not making fresh starts or starting new goals in [00:07:00] January, that there's something wrong with us. And I actually felt like this for a while, because I'm like, " I'm not an early riser.
I'm not into New Year's resolutions. Maybe there's something wrong with me."
But after doing all this self-development work and going on this whole self, discovery journey, I've realized there's nothing wrong with me. That's just not my rhythm. That's just not my jam. I don't vibe with the early rising or the New Year's resolutions, and I don't have to.
I can get stuff done waking up at 8:00 AM and setting my, my goals in August if I want. I can start them whenever the heck I want.
And just to explain a little bit further what is rhythm? when I'm saying, follow your rhythm or respect your rhythm, it's really just, your natural way of doing things, your natural energy levels. it's how you work best. It's your routines. It's just kind of like your flow in life.
And I honestly feel like the reason why most of us feel burned out is because we're, We're forcing ourselves to work with someone else's rhythm and [00:08:00] against our own
So you might think you're not disciplined... But it might not even be about discipline, it could just be as simple as your timing.
So instead of following someone else's structure or their definition of when you should do something, how you should do something, start paying attention to yourself and thinking like, " What actually works for me?
And it sounds so simple, right?
Like, oh, just respect your energy. Just follow your energy. But so many of us do this. I know I did this for years. , So many of us force ourselves to fit into the mold of someone else's structure instead of just paying attention to what feels right.
And then we wonder why we feel stressed, why we feel behind, why we feel like we're inconsistent.
Again, we think there's something wrong with us, and there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with me.
Think about even if it's something that you love doing, something you love doing. Think about doing it at a time when you probably don't have the most energy, or think [00:09:00] about doing it at a time where it just doesn't work for you. How does it feel then? Is it something you love doing then, or does it feel forced?
Probably not as enjoyable as it would've been had you done it when the time was right for you. So I think of myself, like I love to, love to play volleyball. I love to go shopping. I love to go out to eat. Now, if someone was like, " Do you wanna go shopping Saturday morning? the store's opening early.
They have a, a special event. We have to be there by 7:00." I, mm, no. That doesn't that doesn't sound fun to me. Or like " You wanna go to breakfast?" Nah, I'd rather go to brunch. I'd rather go to brunch or lunch, something where I can get my coffee in and just ease into my day. I do not wanna wake up rushed.
I hate to wake up feeling rushed. It doesn't feel good. So even if it's something that I like to do, if I'm doing it at a time that doesn't feel good, then it, kind of counteracts, right?
So think of something that you have forced yourself to do, at a time that didn't really work for you. So one [00:10:00] of the things, I tried to go to the gym with my husband, like early in the mornings. He's like a 4:00 AM guy, like really early. So there was a few times I went with him at like 5:00 AM,
And it was such a struggle for me, that I ended up giving up.
Because I thought of how hard it was the days that I did do it, therefore, I didn't wanna do it anymore, so then I'm inconsistent, and then I think there's something wrong with me that I just don't wanna work out, when it's just because that's not a good time. It just doesn't work for me.
This podcast is a good example. This time of day is the time that I have the most energy. Weekend morning, sunny outside, everyone's kinda doing their own thing. I have a really hard time with being productive when everyone else is just relaxing. I don't know what it is. I feel like I'm an empath, so I can kinda like get their, their vibes.
But if everyone is busy on a Saturday morning doing their own thing, I feel so much better about doing this. So Javen's outside detailing, Zanden's outside riding his dirt bike, Eddie's downstairs working on his music. [00:11:00] That, for some reason, gives me more energy to do this.
Now, if I were to record on a weeknight evening, I'm not bringing the same energy then, right? You gotta Work with your energy levels. Now, planning episodes and, editing, I do that when I have lower energy, right? 'Cause you're just sitting at a desk, or I could even lay in my bed and do it and just work on my laptop.
So I do that in the evenings because that's the way my energy flows. So I just learn to work with it.
So my point is, if, I force myself or if you force yourself into a schedule that didn't align with your natural energy, your natural rhythm, it's not gonna feel as good. You're not gonna wanna do it. You're not gonna be as consistent. You'll probably procrastinate.
Or maybe, maybe you avoid it altogether.
So you know, I like to give you kind of a visual of how, this might look, 'cause you're like, "Oh yeah, that sounds good." But think about putting a pair of headphones on, and you have your music playing in the headphones, [00:12:00] but then someone else is playing music on their speaker, and they ask you to dance to their music while you're listening to your own music.
It's probably gonna be really hard because you're forcing yourself to listen to their music when you have your music playing. It's gonna feel really awkward. You're gonna be second-guessing every move, like, "Am I doing this right?" Because it's, it's their rhythm. It's not your rhythm, right?
Think about that. That would actually be funny. I should try that. I should ask my kids to dance to my music when they're listening to their music and then record them. That would be fun. Okay, so that's, The first mistake is just not following your rhythm and following someone else's rhythm.
The second mistake I think we make in not respecting our rhythm is thinking that you need to be productive all the time, right? especially high achievers, I feel like I know I am guilty of this. Javen, is guilty of this.
We think that if we don't have any plans and we have some free time that we [00:13:00] need to be getting something done. We need to be checking something off the list.
We feel like if we're not being productive and if we're not getting something done, then we're wasting time.
We're the type of people where we can't just, I shouldn't say we can't. It's harder for us to just relax
without feeling a little guilty. I'm not saying we don't. We will relax, but we kind of feel it, right? Like we feel like we're not doing as much as we should be doing.
But what I have learned is sometimes the most productive thing you can do is rest. It's just like checking out and unplugging for a few hours. Like you deserve it, especially if you're someone who is going all the time and you got all kinds of goals and you're just making stuff happen. You deserve it.
Just sit down once in a while. Eddie likes to tell me, just sit down.
And the reason is because it's really hard to gain momentum if you're going all the time.
Especially if you're [00:14:00] going, going, going all the time and you're forcing it a lot of the time. I feel like that's what creates burnout.
When you're productive and you're making things happen at a time that feels manageable for you, that means you're going to be more consistent. And consistency is what actually builds the momentum.
honestly, if it's draining you, , you are not gonna wanna do it. You're gonna put it off, you're gonna be inconsistent. And when you do all that, the momentum's gone. You've lost it.
And the other piece to this, I think gets a little bit lost, this is more the, the woo-woo side, the spirituality side, is that if you're always going and always moving and always thinking you need to be doing the next thing, you're not being still. You're not creating that space
To get into that receiving mode.
To get those, like, intuitive downloads, to create space for creativity.
It's like you can't hear them. It's a lot harder to be open to them.
But when you rest and when you take some time for [00:15:00] yourself- And you quiet your mind you're opening that line of communication with the divine, with the universe for all of that to come in.
And an easy way to think of this is like, have you ever had an idea or you were thinking of a name or a title of a movie or something, and you're thinking and thinking and thinking of it and it won't come to you and it won't come to you and you're like, "Oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue.
I can't get it." And then you stop thinking about it for a while and then all of a sudden, boom, there it is. You're like, " Oh, I remember," because you weren't thinking about it. You were creating that space for it to come in on its own. That's just a quick little easy example I could give you. this whole rhythm, this whole respecting your rhythm, it's not just a mindset thing.
Research has proven this. There are studies that have proven that working with your natural energy cycles increases your productivity by 25%.
And that mental rest boosts creativity and problem-solving. So there's proof. They've already done the research on this.
Your brain literally performs [00:16:00] better when it's had a chance to reset. Think about it. I like to always compare your brain to a computer, because I feel like they're very similar. When your computer is always going, you never shut it off, you're running programs left and right, maybe you're recording like me.
If you never turn it off, you never reboot it, you never let it rest, what typically happens? It starts to run slower. You start to get error messages. It starts to glitch. It starts to overheat.
And the same thing happens to us. When you're always going, going, going, That's why we talk about burnout. That's what burnout is. You give too much. You need to receive and you need to rest.
You don't lose momentum by resting. You actually gain it. You lose momentum by burning yourself out. When you don't wanna do it anymore ' cause you're doing too much.
Okay, and another, another side to this, another mistake that we make, and I, again, I've made all of these, like I always talk about, this is why I talk about these things, 'cause I've done them [00:17:00] all, is not only do we force ourselves into someone else's rhythm, we expect others to comply with our own.
We think that our way of doing things, our timing is the best way or is the right way.
They should just do it like us, right?
So then we get mad or we get annoyed when someone else doesn't do something when we expect them to do it or when it works for us.
We might even start a fight. Ask me how I know.
So a little story here. when Eddie and I first started living together, we never really- Had like a, plan for like who's gonna do chores when. we just did it. I just did some stuff, he did some stuff. And then over time , I realized it would be better if we just kind of had some set expectations.
Like, you do this, I do this. One of the things that we agreed on was that he would do the dishes, and I would do the laundry.
Dishes just disgust me. I just do not want to touch or look at old food. It's gross to me. Laundry is much, much [00:18:00] more my speed. But we made this agreement that he would do the dishes, right? just a reminder, Eddie is a morning guy. I'm the evening girl. And we would have dinner and put all the, you know, stuff away or whatnot, and the dishes would be in the sink.
And I would get so annoyed that he wouldn't do them after dinner. And I would start these fights or pick these arguments. Like, "Are you gonna do the dishes? Are you gonna do the dishes?" And he's beat. You know, he works all day. He's on his feet. He doesn't have the energy at night to do the dishes. That is something that he would just put off until the morning.
But I was like, "I cannot go to sleep with dishes in my sink. I don't wanna do that." So I would keep pushing him and pushing him, and if you know Eddie, like Eddie, he doesn't like conflict. So he'll just say, "Yeah, I'll do it. I'll do it. Yes, I'll do it." And then he'll fall asleep. And then I would get so mad.
And sometimes I would do them, and sometimes I would just leave them. But as I got to really understand what all of this meant, I'm like, " That's just not his rhythm." I'm expecting [00:19:00] him to follow my rhythm. So that would be like me stumbling to the couch in the morning half awake and him expecting me to start doing laundry right away
to me, that's not fair. I can't expect him to do something just because that's when I would do it. I have to respect his rhythm. So once I just kind of surrendered to that, I'm like, "You know what? That's not his thing. I'm gonna just let them sit overnight, and you know what?
When I wake up in the morning, they're done." So It gets done. It's just a matter of what works for him and what works for me.
I know that everybody has their own rhythm and their own energy levels, but I learned there's actually a word for this called chronotypes. And you might have heard the terms like early bird or night owl. Early bird is actually considered a lion.
I didn't know that. A night owl is actually considered a wolf. There's another type called a dolphin, which is more, um, like an irregular sleep cycle. Those are people who don't have, a real solid pattern. They're kind of inconsistent, [00:20:00] tend to be a little bit more anxious. And then there is me, which I learned I am a bear.
Did not know this. I always knew my natural energy was very dependent on the sun because I, tend to not be as motivated on cloudy days or if it's dark outside. I don't know what it is. I just, I need the sun out in order for me to get moving, and that is exactly what the bear is.
So the bear follows the sun cycle, so from 11:00 AM to 6:00 PM, which is also interesting because when I started paying attention to my natural energy, I realized I had the most energy between 10:00 AM and 6:00 PM. What do you know?
And none of them are better than the other. I'm not better than a lion or a wolf or a dolphin. They're not better than me. We're all just different, and that is okay.
So bottom line is respecting your rhythm means respecting that other people have one too.
One of the ways I like to look at our energy is kind of like the weather. I don't know. [00:21:00] This might be a good example. Just stay with me.
So let's say there's a really bad storm outside- Are you going to go grocery shopping? Or are you going to, mow the grass or go bike riding? Probably not. Now, don't get me wrong.
If your baby needs formula or you need to go get your medicine, you're gonna go. but if you can work with a different day that has maybe better conditions, you'll probably do that. And then on the stormy day, maybe you do something else. Maybe you do your housework. Maybe you do your laundry. Maybe you read. Maybe you work on your business or whatnot.
And your energy works the same way, right? It just makes more sense to work with it than force yourself to do something that doesn't feel good.
And I look at it more than just your energy level, right? your daily routine. It's the way your, your month looks, your year looks, because all of that kind of changes. You have busier times of the year. You have busier times of the month.
Think about it [00:22:00] like nature. It's really, it's that universal law of rhythm. you know, you've got your, your winter, spring, your summer, your fall. You're not gonna plant in the winter because the conditions aren't right.
So the same thing applies to your life.
all of this I planned around my own kind of seasons of life, right? So I started my NLP training in, I think it was around February. February is wintertime, you know. I've got more time on my hands. I'm not as social, so that's a good time to just kinda lock in.
And then when I started filming these podcast episodes, I started filming in the fall after the kids went back to school. I didn't do it in the summer because I knew we were gonna be too busy. There's way too much going on in the summer. So I knew I could film in the fall, and then I launched it in January, and I did not launch it in January because of, like, new year, new me.
That had nothing to do with it. I just did it because I knew I would have more time in the winter, and I would be more consistent, and I could build momentum during that time.
And I'm [00:23:00] not saying that you can't do things during busier times or when you have lower energy. Anything is possible, you can do whatever you want, and you can still be successful. All I'm saying is if you follow your natural rhythm, your natural energy cycles, it's gonna be a lot more enjoyable.
And it's really, um, it's really just adopting kind of like this go with the flow attitude, right? Just go with the flow.
So if you're able to align with your natural way of life, your flow of life, it feels better, Obviously. and when it feels better, your energy is better. And I feel like when your energy is better when you're doing something, the output is gonna be better. The quality is gonna be better.
So if I would have started filming this episode this morning when I was kinda like meh, like before I took my walk with Jazzy, I don't know if I would have brought the same energy. You know? Maybe I would have just been kinda mundane, and maybe that would have showed, and I didn't wanna do that. I'm like, "No, I want, to feel the vibe before I record
cause I just want all of these [00:24:00] high vibes to transfer onto you.
And when you work with your rhythm, it's so much easier to be productive and be consistent.
And I'm telling you, consistency is everything. If you can stick with something and you can just keep going with it, not only do you build momentum, but you build confidence in yourself. you start trusting yourself. You're like, "I actually can do this."
And again, it's not just about knowing when to do more. It's about knowing when it's time to rest
And let yourself reset. Your mind and your body need that.
And overall, you'll just feel more balanced. Like when you know that you can get stuff done, and you also know that you can respect yourself enough to give yourself rest, you feel more control, and you feel more at ease.
It's not just about improving your results, it's about improving your overall experience. It's about having more joy in life.
So pay attention to your energy levels throughout the day. Look at them day to day, look at them throughout the week, throughout the month, throughout the year, and learn how to work with them.
When your [00:25:00] body and your mind say rest, rest. when you have higher energy, that's when you do the harder things.
Stop forcing things at the wrong time.
I was just talking to Javen about this. he was sitting on the couch, and he just looked kind of off. I asked if he was okay, and he was like, "I don't know, I just, I'm not really feeling it." He just was like, you know, feeling like blah. And we all feel like that at times, right?
So I'm like, that's okay. Then your body needs to rest." And of course, he's, you know, super high achiever. He's like, "But I have so much to do. I I have so much I need to get done." So if you're feeling like that, what is something very low energy that you can do that you'll still feel productive, right? Your rhythm is, ebbs and flows. You're going to have high energy, you're going to have low energy, it's going to be ups and downs.
So I told him what I do is those are the times where I'll read, or I'll plan an episode 'cause I can just lay in bed and work on my laptop or lay in bed and read. It doesn't really require a whole lot of [00:26:00] energy.
And when I have high energy, this is what I do. I film, I get outside, maybe I'll do yard work, maybe I'll do yoga, maybe I'll clean my house.
And then when you're feeling, when you're feeling down, when you're feeling overwhelmed, when you're feeling frustrated, when you're feeling stuck, that's probably a good sign that your body just needs some rest. Your body and your mind need rest.
So if you're in one of those more, negative energy states, do something that will uplift you. You know, try to do some meditation. Maybe you take a long bath.
Maybe you just listen to some music. maybe you just sit outside. Maybe you don't even go for a walk or anything if you're feeling like that, but maybe just sit outside and try to get some sun. How can you kind of just, like, revive yourself by getting that rest and, like resetting yourself?
And then also zoom out a little bit. So look at your life from kind of like a 30,000-foot view, and, you know, look at your week ahead, look at your month ahead, your year ahead. [00:27:00] Where can you kind of adjust what you have going on with how you feel?
Look at where, where you have lower energies, where your slower seasons are, where busier seasons are, and where can you kind of adjust things and plan ahead to make sure that you're working with your rhythm and your, your rhythm of your energy and just your rhythm of life, your routine
so if, winter is naturally slower for you, what can you put some focus on during that time? If summer is really crazy, you know, what can you get ahead of before summer hits?
And when you start working with your rhythm instead of fighting against it, not only do things start to feel easier, but they start to feel right. It starts to feel aligned.
So this week, I would like you to pay attention to one area of your life where you're maybe not working with your rhythm right now.
Also, think of who in your life are maybe you not [00:28:00] respecting their rhythm.
Try just this week, try to align one task, one thing that you have to do with your natural energy levels or with a, a better time of the week or better timing that works for you, and see how that feels.
And if this episode made you think of someone else who maybe is forcing it all the time, share it with them. Give them a little gift and
help them respect their rhythm. Thank you for sharing your time and energy with me today, you guys. If you're not already following me go follow me @starlitsuccess, both Instagram, YouTube. I would love to connect with you.
See you on the next episode.
It's all so bright, brighter than the sunshine
