EP28 (Final) The Messy Middle #2 - Why Everything Feels Like Too Much
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[00:00:00] You're like the stars in outer space. Something about you radiates. And it feels so nice, and it feels so nice, yeah
welcome back to the Starlit Success Podcast. I am your host, as always, Jessica Gaines. And if you were here last week, you heard a little bit about what I'm going through right now, this messy middle of this major relocation from Wisconsin to Florida, and this feeling of unknown and this feeling of uncertainty, and how it is just so completely unsettling.
But that is not all of the challenges that I'm facing right now, and not all of the lessons that I'm learning. I have more. And what I'm going through right now is this overwhelming feel of overwhelm, if that's a thing.
I am currently juggling what feels like 857 things on my to-do list. It just feels endless, and I'm still working my nine to five.
I'm helping my oldest with everything that he needs to get ready for college and everything that's involved with that, with scholarships and [00:01:00] housing and roommate situations Just, just all the college stuff, If you know, you know. then it's coordinating the monster move from Wisconsin to Florida and everything that comes along with that.
Planning a graduation party, we're doing that next week, so I'm gonna have like 60 people at my house. I've got family flying in. There's so much that I have to plan for for that
Obviously staying consistent with the podcast and making sure that I'm getting things out every week, planning content, filming, editing, publishing, all of that requires time and energy
And somehow I'm still maintaining the house. Obviously we have these showings every other day, so it's like the most immaculate it's ever been, which is kinda nice 'cause the kids actually respect that when we have a house showing, they keep their rooms clean. But yeah, staying on top of the house, making sure that we still prioritize our family and our friends and just living during this whole process
I actually considered pausing the podcast because I have felt so overwhelmed
there's just so much on my plate right now that I felt like I don't [00:02:00] know that I can still show up with the same energy because I, mentally I just feel buried almost every day. And I feel bad because my friends have asked to do things and I'm just like, "I can't. I have to get this done and this done."
And all of these things I have to get done are a priority because now we're like a month out. So every minute of every day I feel is so precious, and I just wanna make sure that everything is taken care of. But then I thought about it. I'm like, "No, that is not the message that I wanna send." I don't wanna say, you know, if life gets too busy, just stop what you've been working towards.
Because as I've said before, what's important to you, what matters, you will make time for. So I always have had to be really strategic with how I've been able to keep this podcast consistent, because I have a lot going on, but even more so now. . But now I have to just be even more strategic, it's almost like a, it's almost like Tetris.
Like you're, you're just trying to fit [00:03:00] everything in all the little spots as best as you can.
And I also thought we all experience this feeling of overwhelm,
And I wanted to use this as an opportunity, you know, transmute this negative feeling of overwhelm into something good, and use it as an opportunity to connect with all of you, and to show you that I still have my own challenges, and I'm still figuring it out
so I just thought I could share what I'm going through, and hopefully I can help you if you're going through something similar.
Sometimes I feel like it's a lot easier to give advice to someone else than it is to follow your own.
It's kind of that do as I say, not as I do mentality. So when I face these challenges and I catch myself in my head, I have to ask myself, " What would you tell your best friend? Because you would not be doing this." If a friend came to me and was telling me, "Jes, I'm feeling really overwhelmed, I don't know what to do," I'm not going to react the way that I react to myself when I'm in overwhelm.
I'm gonna have all the answers, right? [00:04:00] So as I was thinking about this episode, I'm like, "What would I tell someone else?" You know, I'm feeling all of this, this tense stress energy. What would I tell myself?
So in this episode, we're gonna talk about the feeling of overwhelm What it actually is and how to move through it without feeling like you are being buried alive
So these last few weeks when things have really gotten a lot more real, where I'm really having to book things and sign things
, And it's actually happening and there are days where it just feels like too much
and I've even asked myself, like, "Why would I start a podcast the same year as, like, this major life transition? What was I thinking?"
I do a lot of this to myself, don't get me wrong
it just feels like everything needs my attention at the exact same time, and I don't, I don't know where to turn next
So I catch myself like bouncing all over the place.
You busy moms know exactly what I'm talking about. You ever go to clean your [00:05:00] house, and let's say you start with the dishes. So you're loading the dishwasher, and then you're like, "Oh, wait, let me go check my son's room," because if you have teenage boys, you know they love to leave dishes in their room. So you run in the room to grab a, a cup or a plate or whatever's in there, and then you're like, "Oh, God, there's," "clothes on the floor," or something.
Normally, I would leave it for them, but then I'm like, "Oh, I need to do laundry. I might as well just throw this downstairs." So okay, you grab the cup, you go back downstairs, you put the cup in the sink, and then you're grabbing the clothes to put them in the laundry room, and you realize, "Oh, I forgot to change the laundry."
Now you're in the laundry room changing laundry. You still got the dishwasher open. It's like every room that you go into, you realize there's more stuff to do, and you, get, overwhelmed. You don't even know where to start. Sometimes you end up making more of a mess than when you started because now there's stuff everywhere
Then maybe you realize, okay, you've touched every room, but you're not even really any further along because your energy's [00:06:00] scattered. You started the dishes, you started picking up your kids' room, you started the laundry, but you're not actually finished with any of it 'cause you're just bouncing all over the place
Or the other feeling where there's so much to do that you just don't even start because you don't know where to start So you just freeze. You just see the endless list of items and you're like, "It would be a lot easier to just distract myself or just detach and scroll on my phone, or watch a Netflix documentary," or whatever it is that you do, 'cause you're just like, "I don't, know
what needs my attention right now, so I would rather just not do anything
and this is the part where I'm gonna give my best friend the advice, and my best friend being you. we believe the feeling of overwhelm comes from the endless amounts of things that we're supposed to do. It's that, that to-do list that is just too long and too scary.
But what it actually is, [00:07:00] is It's the way that you're perceiving it. It's not the actual list of items that you have to do
when we have a, a laundry list of to-do items, we tend to think that we have to do everything right now, and that's what gives us that feeling of overwhelm. Like, it's just so much. I just want it off my plate. I wanna check all these boxes. I feel like it all needs to happen right now
When a lot of the times most of the things on your list don't have to be done right away.
But we tend to, start treating it like it's all an emergency
Sometimes I feel like we can create our own overwhelm by creating, like, unnecessary and unrealistic demands on ourselves even though that's not actually what needs to happen
so in addition to creating the unrealistic or unnecessary demands on ourselves, another thing we tend to do, and when I say we, I also mean me, we stress or obsess over things that don't even really [00:08:00] matter.
Like, we create it in our own head. So I will give you an example. It's kind of funny. It's funny now. It was not funny at the time.
one of the things that has been playing a big role in my feeling of overwhelm is these house showings. Because these people are coming in and looking at our house to determine whether or not they wanna rent from us. So I wanna make sure it looks perfect,
so my house is the cleanest it's probably ever been since we've moved in. So I was cleaning my house like a freaking maniac for those first couple showings last week. I don't know if this is normal, but I was on my hands and knees washing our deck that's, like, outside our bedroom. I'm sure people wash their decks but I've never done it.
So I have this mop bucket with this dirty water from the deck and this dirty washcloth. And because I'm in such a frenzy, because I'm making everything so much bigger in my head and I'm moving so fast, I go in the bathroom, I dump the dirty water into the toilet, [00:09:00] and I forget that the freaking washcloth is in the bucket. And as nasty as it sounds, I reached my hand in there to try to grab the washcloth before it went down the toilet. I was not successful.
The washcloth went down. I freaking panicked. First, I thought Eddie was gonna be mad 'cause I dumped this dirty water down the toilet that he just cleaned. And then I realized, oh no, now he is gonna be pissed because not only did I dump the dirty water, I dumped the dirty washcloth with it.
Now what? Now did I just plug the fricking toilet? What is gonna happen? I know that people coming to look at a house probably are not gonna walk around flushing toilets, but it was just that added stress of now one more thing I have to do. Not only am I cleaning the whole fricking house, but now we might have to hire a plumber.
Thank God we already have a property manager, and I called him and he brought the maintenance guy with him. Turns out it wasn't even a big deal. The washcloth didn't even get stuck. It went right out to the, the sewer [00:10:00] system, whatever. But
The reason I mention that is we had three showings scheduled. The first girl showed up, ran through the house so fast. She was looking for a specific style of home, which ours was not. Even though the listing said that it was a split level, she was looking for a ranch. So she was just checking the layout right away. She was in and out maybe in 10 minutes.
The second girl showed up, same thing. not looking for the layout, but she was just in and out in, like, 10 minutes. And then the third appointment didn't even show up. So I spent all of that energy, not so much the time, but the energy, that stress and that overwhelm of just making it so much bigger in my head, and these people were in and out in 20 minutes, and the washcloth wasn't even a big deal.
So what the... Why did I even do that? I literally created all of this madness in my head. None of it needed to happen. I didn't need to freak out about washing the deck. I didn't need to freak out about the washcloth. [00:11:00] I didn't need to freak out about any of that. , Everything was just fine. I made all of this up
So my point is I stressed out and created a lot of unnecessary work for myself that I was overwhelmed about that I didn't even need to do. It wasn't even that serious
What I found really interesting is that researchers show that your brain doesn't measure the amount of tasks that you have to do
It measures the emotional labor and the mental labor of having to do it all. , Your brain is wired to conserve energy. Your brain doesn't really wanna have a lot to do. So anytime there's things to do, it's processing how much energy is this gonna require? Not necessarily what it is, but how much effort am I gonna have to put in?
So even if it's a simple task, even if it's something really small, if you are already overwhelmed, your brain is gonna make it a lot bigger and a lot heavier than it actually is
And that's what my brain is doing. I [00:12:00] have this endless list of to-dos. I have to obviously find a place, find a tenant, register my son for school. Eddie's gotta find a new job. But all of that doesn't have to be done today
I just have to do the next thing
. I get so carried away with thinking about all of the things that I have to do that I forget that today maybe it's just a phone call. Maybe it's just an email. Maybe it's just filling out a form. You know? It's something very small that I'm perceiving as much bigger than it actually is
Another thing that I had to remind myself and, what I want you to understand as well is sometimes the things that you have on your plate, they might feel overwhelming, it might feel like so much, , but a lot of the times it, could be something that at one time you wished would happen or you hoped for.
So in my case, this whole move to Florida, I am feeling overwhelmed. It feels uneasy. It feels uncertain. It [00:13:00] feels like a lot of weight. It feels like a lot of stuff to do. But I have to remind myself I wished for this. This was on my vision board
You know, I have pictures of houses with palm trees around it. You know, helping Jayvyn get into college was something I always dreamed of. Starting this podcast was something I wanted to do. Everything that I am feeling overwhelmed by right now are all things that I wanted
So it can just be helpful to stop and remember that. And remember that a lot of the things that you have on your plate, you get to do. It's not you have to do, you get to do them, and you should be grateful for that
I just feel like it moves you from feeling like a victim to feeling like you're more in control, and honestly, a lot more grateful for all the things that you get to do and gets you out of that state of overwhelm
So if this is you, if you're feeling like me right now, if you are just, like, buried with everything that you have to get done, ,
First, get it out of your head. Okay? This is my [00:14:00] favorite thing to do. I love breaking things down to the smallest little bits possible. It's probably why I've been in project management for as long as I have. I love a good list. Folders, spreadsheets, notes. Like, I, thrive on that, and honestly, I have such a bad memory that's how I survive, by getting everything out of my head and onto paper, onto something tangible.
You should see my OneNote. it's crazy... I also have notes in my phone. I've got all kinds of folders.
it keeps my brain organized, and honestly, it just makes me feel a lot safer if I know all of the things that are there and I can just access it whenever I need to, and it, it's nice sometimes to see like a comprehensive list, and then just check things off as you need to. Okay, so that's number one.
Get it out of your head, get it onto something else, organize it as best as you can And then number two, prioritize. So now that you've gotten it out of your head, you've got your list, you've got your spreadsheet, whatever it is that is gonna help you [00:15:00] stay on track, now look at it from a place of what is the most important thing, and also what is most time sensitive?
So in my case, I've got so much to do, but javen's graduation party is coming up in less than a week. So now I'm on the time sensitive. I'm like, "What do I all need for his graduation?" Okay, I need all the stuff for the party. I need to make sure that everybody has something to wear.
I need to make sure that all of the logistics are taken care of. We've got the menu. We've got the decorations, whatever
. So it's prioritizing by time sensitivity and then also importance. So the other thing was, I like to stay ahead on these podcast episodes. I like to have a couple weeks recorded in advance just in case things come up that I don't plan for.
And I'm like, "I only have one recorded that I need to edit right now." So , once I have that edited and out, then I don't have anything else. And then not only do I not have anything else, but I'm not gonna have the time to record. So ... I have today available. I need to record [00:16:00] today.
That was most important.
So it's time sensitivity. Look at all the things that you have to get done now that are due the soonest. And then number two is what is most important? So you start with those two, and then the third one that I love to do is what's the low-hanging fruit? What is just something that is just so easy, it's not gonna take a lot of time, it's not gonna take a lot of effort or energy, that it would just feel good to just cross that off the list.
So I don't know what that looks like for you. For me, I had to dye my roots this morning 'cause my grays were starting to show. And I'm like, "Oh, that's easy. That takes me, like, 30 minutes. I'll get that done
You know, what is something on your list that's really easy or maybe even slightly fun, What is something that doesn't require the most energy? And just save the hard things for later. .
I look at it as kind of like taking a timed test. I was always told to go through and answer all the questions that you are most certain of, like these are the ones that you've got it.
Answer those first, and then come back to the [00:17:00] hard ones later. Because if you get stuck on a difficult question and you spend way too much time on it and you run out of time, you might have gotten a better score had you been able to answer more questions that you knew the answer to. But by getting stuck on the question that you didn't know the answer to, now you're gonna get all those other ones wrong that you just didn't answer.
So it's better to just go through, get all the ones that you know out of the way, and then save the harder stuff for later
And number three is just try to focus
This is something I have a hard time with. Ask my friends, they always say I have a hard time with focusing. But it's also not just about the focus of your task, it's about getting out of living in the future and getting into living in the present. And I feel like when we have this feeling of overwhelm, we're thinking of all of the things that are in the future that have to get done, and we're not looking at what can be done right now, and we're not thinking of the present moment
You know, they say living in the future or thinking about the future or worrying about the future [00:18:00] is what creates anxiety. So what can you do to ground yourself and get present to where you are now
And just focus on the one thing that you have to get done today or at this moment
and the last one is just the perspective that you have on what you're going through right now. stop and be thankful for all the things that you have to get done. Javen, went through this, , a couple months ago. He was like, "Oh my God, Mom, I'm so overwhelmed.
He had to plan his meeting for his mental health group. He had to get back to a bunch of, clients for his detailing business. He had some homework to do or project to do. And I just had to stop him and remind him, like, " These are all things that you really wanted. These are all things that you really care about.
. You know, you started this business. You started this mental health group. You care about school. you're going on to college. You wanna pursue your education, so be grateful that you get to work on all of these things."
So just start by looking at them a little less like burdens and a little more [00:19:00] like blessings
All right, so I hope this helped you today. I know it's helped me. A lot of us feel this way at a lot of different times in our life . I am facing challenges on a regular, especially right now, and these are all things that I'm actively going through, and hopefully I was able to help you a little bit change your perspective on your feeling of overwhelm and look at it in a different light
so what is something that you're overwhelmed with right now? What can you get out of your head and onto paper? What can you prioritize right now? What can you focus on and just have a different perspective
so if this was helpful for you, please share it with someone else that might need to hear it.
Let me know what resonated, what hit home for you.
thanks again for spending your time and energy with me today, and I will see you on the next episode
So bright
