EP29 (Final) The Messy Middle (#3) Not Everyone Will Understand
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[00:00:00] You're like the stars in outer space. Something about you radiates. And it feels so nice, and it feels so nice, yeah
Welcome back to the Starlit Success podcast. I am your host, as always, Jessica Gaines. And if you're here with me today, you are still on this messy middle journey with me. So as you know, the last couple weeks we've been talking about the active messiness that I'm in right now with this major relocation from Wisconsin to Florida, uprooting my entire family and starting over somewhere that we've never lived before.
And this has brought up a lot of feelings, a lot of lessons.
You know, major changes aren't easy, and I anticipated some struggles, some hardships,
I knew when we made the decision to move that we might not have the support of everyone in our family, of everyone in our friend group, And that's why I was a little nervous to tell people right away because I [00:01:00] was afraid of their reaction. I was afraid of letting them down, I didn't want to be the cause of anyone's stress or sadness or anything like that.
I think I also put off telling people because once we told people, then it was confirmation for myself that it was actually happening because I don't wanna tell people and then not actually go through with it. So the fact that we're speaking it out loud makes it a lot more real
and I know people interpret things based off of their own experiences, their own beliefs, their own emotions,
, I mean, honestly, it doesn't matter what you do. People are gonna have their own opinions no matter what.
I , you know what they say, opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one.
But I think I was most concerned about, you know, the people that we care about. I didn't want to feel like I was letting them down or I was abandoning them
you know, if they're people that you care about, you're obviously going to care about how they feel
, Sometimes their opinions or their reactions or their [00:02:00] feelings about a decision that you've made will impact you. And I'm not saying that you're going to change your mind or not do whatever it is that you wanna do, but if you don't have the support of the people that you care about, it makes a difference
Naturally, we want to feel the love and support because anytime we make a big change in our life, it's already hard enough. It's already scary enough. So then to add the complexity of human emotion and relationships and all of that, can just add an additional strain that can make the whole process a lot more difficult and a lot more uncomfortable
it was honestly overwhelming at first, just thinking about the amount of people that we had to tell. During the basketball season, it came up a lot especially at the end of the season, because Javen's a senior, so people would naturally ask, you know, "What are his plans after school?"
And we would tell them he's going to school in Florida, and then it would naturally lead to, "Oh, aren't you guys gonna miss him?" Or, "Oh, that would be a great place to visit." And then we would follow up with, "Oh, we're actually moving there." [00:03:00] "Oh my goodness, you're moving there?" so that, that was a pretty common conversation throughout the basketball season.
But before that and after, you know, there's a lot of people that we have to share the news with, whether that's family or friends or coworkers or bosses, neighbors. pretty much everyone.
And some of them it almost felt like we had to brace for impact because we weren't sure the reaction that we were gonna get depending on who we were telling
Because one thing that we discovered was how wildly different the reactions have been.
And of course, my favorite ones were the ones that were, so surprised and so excited for us. You know, their eyes get really big, "Oh my God, you're moving to Florida? How cool. Where are you moving?" And it would just lead to this really fun conversation and, they would share how they've always wished they could move to Florida. You could see in their eyes, like they, they see adventure, they see possibility, they see opportunity, they see, a new life
The fact that we're actually doing it and they've thought about it or they've talked about it, but, you know, whatever, whatever [00:04:00] reason that they can't actually do it at this time is preventing them
then you have people like my best friend and her husband who have wanted to move to Florida for a really long time. And with kids in school and stuff, it just makes it hard. But now that we're actually doing it, they realize maybe we could. Maybe we should." My parents, who were doing the snowbird thing every year, they were going down for about a month or so, now it's like, " Okay, well Jessie and Eddie are actually moving.
Maybe we should too." So it's fun to inspire other people. It's fun to see their excitement and kind of be that trailblazer to help them see what they could actually do
You know, maybe people are actually going to make this jump because we've done it, and we can kinda help guide them
I love telling these people the news because they're so- it's so much fun. You know? You just kind of vibe off of each other and share all of the excitement about Florida, and , all the awesome things that we have to look forward to.
So it's really fun to kind of just feed off of that [00:05:00] energy
so those are the excited ones. Those are the ones who are living vicariously through you. And then we have the anti-Florida people. The minute you tell them you're moving to Florida, they instantly hit you with every negative thing about Florida, and all the reasons that they could never live there. And the biggest one I'm sure you can think of is the hurricanes.
"Well, what are you gonna do about the hurricanes? you know they have alligators. You know they have lizards. You know they've got roaches." , All of the bad things that you could possibly think about.
And to be honest, like, I've thought about the hurricanes, but I, find it kind of interesting because we've lived in this house for seven years. We've never had any issues, right? Last year, we have they call it the thousand-year flood.
Our sump pump has never even run, to my knowledge. Luckily, we got a new one over the last year or two because we had to get some other work done, . So we got this new sump pump, and then we get the thousand-year flood, so now the sump pump is going like crazy, right?
Then just this past spring, we're hit with a freaking tornado. [00:06:00] I've lived in Wisconsin for 43 years. I have never experienced a tornado before. We've always gotten tornado watches, tornado warnings, but it never actually touched down. Oh, it actually touched down, not only did it touch down right down the block from us, it took away our shed. Blew it apart across the entire backyard. So I find it kind of ironic that we've never experienced any real severe weather until the year that we plan on moving to Florida, and the two really severe weather events are , a thousand-year flood and a tornado. Now, granted, we get, you know, the winter stuff, like the 12 inches of snow and subzero temperatures and stuff. We're, we're used to that. But I just thought it was interesting that now we're experiencing the kind of weather that Florida has. So I kind of feel like we were getting prepared for it.
So anyway, off on a little tangent there. That's what the anti-Florida people are talking about, the weather, the wildlife, all of the things that they would hate. How hot it is. It's so hot. . You can't even go to the beach. You're gonna [00:07:00] be sweating like crazy.
As someone who is freezing all the time, I can't wait for that. I cannot wait to be hot most of the year instead of freezing most of the year. That's just me. I'm different. I'm the one, in the summertime in the office, I have my space heater going because I'm freezing.
But I just discovered that florida's not for everyone. Wisconsin's not for everyone. Not everything is for everyone. And yes, it might not be for them, and that's totally fine. we're all different. That's okay.
It's just something that they don't have any desire in. of course, I'm sure they care about us and they don't want us to go, maybe part of it is like, "Okay, think about all the bad stuff so maybe you won't leave." I don't know if that's the case. Or they just can't believe that we're willing to endure some of those things because that's not something that they would ever do
And then you have the, we'll call them the avoiders. These are the people that when you share the news, they don't really say much. they listen, they pay attention, but they don't really respond. They [00:08:00] don't respond with any excitement. They don't respond with any fear projections. they don't ask any questions. They look like they're just processing it, which is okay
But I'll be honest, these were the people that confused me the most. I didn't understand how to take it
And at first I was a little hurt because it felt like they just didn't care I didn't understand why they never showed any kind of interest in it whatsoever, whether it be positive or negative.
It was just nothing. And I'm a person that, like, really thrives off of people and emotion and connection and communication, so if I don't get anything, it's like that feeling of unknown. It's that feeling of uncertainty, .. it's very uneasy. I didn't like it
So then after I was like, "Okay, maybe I shouldn't feel hurt. Maybe they just don't think it's gonna happen. maybe they're just in a little bit of denial that if they don't give it any life or any energy, that maybe it just won't happen
And then [00:09:00] I realized, you know what? Maybe they're just sad. Maybe they don't want to talk negatively because they wanna support us. Maybe they don't wanna be excited for us because they're not excited to lose us. So the only thing left to do is to just be quiet. You know, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all Maybe they just don't know how to process it. They don't know what to say
Maybe they avoid it because talking about it just makes, like I said earlier, when I, said it out loud, when I told people, it made it more real. So maybe they think that if they ask questions or they engage in conversation that they'll have to actually
Accept that it's happening
You know, one thing I've realized though is I don't think any of these reactions are wrong. I just think that they're human
They're reacting based off of, like I said, their emotions, how they're processing it, what they've experienced, what their desires are. And that doesn't make it right or wrong.
There is no right or wrong [00:10:00] way to respond
And honestly, even, even the, the people that projected fear or, like, talked about every negative possible thing that could happen in Florida, I don't even think those responses were wrong.
They don't mean any harm by it. It's just where their brain goes. It's just how they interpret it
but another thing I've realized is that sometimes I think we can mistake other people's reactions or feelings about something for guidance or approval
You think well, if they love me that they'll, understand and they'll support me, and that's not exactly the case. That doesn't mean that they don't love you
People can still love you and not fully support your decision
People can want what's best for you, but maybe still not quite understand why you're doing what you're doing
And I've discovered what they think is best for them, they think is best for you. So they don't necessarily mean any negativity by it. They just feel like, " Well, [00:11:00] this is how I see how things should be. This is what I would feel comfortable with. This is what I would want, so I expect you to feel the same
If they're someone that is terrified of change, then it's gonna be hard for them to understand how we could just leave our lives that we've built for the last 40-plus years and start over somewhere completely new
But just because some people don't support you or maybe they just don't understand, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't do what it is that you wanna do
At the end of the day, nobody is living your life but you. And this was probably the biggest lesson for me
And I can speak to this because I was also on the other side. So my mother-in-law, Eddie's mom, moved a few years ago, and I was the negative person receiving that news when she told me. And even when she told me, it wasn't even like, "I'm moving." It was more like a, "I'm thinking about moving." And I instantly came back with all of the [00:12:00] reasons that she shouldn't.
It was like, " You don't know anyone there, and you're gonna leave your grandkids, and you're gonna miss out on their childhood." And it was like all of the reasons that I came up with was, what I realized later, was how it was gonna affect me, how I felt about it, how I felt it would affect my family
I thought about, how are holidays gonna be now? who's gonna host? She was the one that had all the Christmases and Thanksgivings, and she's an amazing cook, she was the glue. You know, she was the matriarch. So now what do we do? How are our holidays gonna look? It was a very selfish reaction, I realize now
But after I was able to process all of those emotions and I just kinda took a step back and thought about how this move would impact her and how happy she would be by making this move.
So why am I over here sitting worried about how it's gonna make me feel? I should be focused on how it's gonna make her feel and how it's gonna improve her life. So [00:13:00] once I was able to get through all that negativity and, and selfishness, I realized I was actually really happy for her, and I completely supported her, and I still do
you just have to remember that whoever it is that has an opinion or a negative outlook or any kind of, unsupportive reaction to what you're doing, you know, they're not living your life. Whatever change you're making in your life, they're not the ones that are going to your job.
They're not the ones that wake up in your body
They don't live in your house
They're not the ones building your life. You are
If you stay somewhere just because someone else wants you to stay there, who has to live with that? You do
If you ignore your desires and what you truly want to accomplish based on how it will make someone else feel, who has to live with that? You
I think this is one of the hardest parts about being on a growth journey [00:14:00] is accepting the fact that not everyone will understand your path
But really they don't have to. Everyone is on their own path. Everyone has their own lessons, their own timeline, their own challenges to face. We're all on our own journey
, They might not have the same dreams or the same desires as you, maybe they don't even have any
But the hard part is that in order to be true to yourself, sometimes you have to disappoint people
Not because you want to, but just because you have to be honest with yourself and be true to who you are
At the end of the day, your life is yours, and if you're not happy with it, that is on you. So you cannot live your life for everyone else
, It is your responsibility to make sure that you are happy and that you are going after what it is that you want
So if you're in the middle of making a really tough decision
or like some life-changing transition like us, ask yourself
Am I making this [00:15:00] decision based on what I want? What makes me happy
and what's best for me
Or am I making it because it's making everyone else comfortable? It's making everyone else happy
Ask yourself, what would you do if you trusted yourself more than their opinions?
And at the end of the day, you just have to focus on what feels most aligned, and you just have to trust your gut
And just remember, not everyone is gonna understand your path or agree with your decisions
But that's okay because their response doesn't determine if you are making the right or wrong decision
Treat their reaction more as information and not necessarily permission
All right, guys, I hope this was helpful. If you are in the middle of a major decision, a major life-changing transition, I wish you the best. You got this. Believe in yourself. Trust your gut. Trust your instinct, and it's all gonna work out
Thank you for spending your time and energy with me today, and I will see you on the next [00:16:00] episode
So bright
