EP32 The Messy Middle #5: Let Them See the Mess (Being Real Makes You Relatable)
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[00:00:00] You're like the stars in outer space. Something about you radiates. And it feels so nice, and it feels so nice, yeah
Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of the Starlit Success podcast. I am your host as always, Jessica Gaines. And if you notice, we have another new background today because I'm gonna try something different. I feel like the lighting is always a little sketch when I'm recording, so we are outside in about 90, I don't know, 95-degree weather.
So we're gonna see how long I can last, and you'll probably see my makeup melting off my face and my hair slowly dying. So I thought I was done with the messy middle series, but I realized I have one more, one more mess to share.
I guess my life was a little messier than I thought
Technically, this was the episode that I talked about in the last episode that I recorded, the one where it was like, seven minutes where I was kind of giving myself a hard time for not being prepared, not having anything planned, and then I realized actually [00:01:00] I did. So this was that episode, and it was basically my realization of, oh my gosh, all my shit is packed up.
Like, my desk is gone. My setup is gone. Like, how am I gonna record an episode? And then I was thinking about it, and I'm like, wait a minute, isn't that what this whole series is about, is about, like, being messy and being in the middle of your mess and overcoming the obstacles that come your way? But then I'm like, here I am living in mess, but then I'm scared to maybe show how that might look to someone else if I don't have, like, my perfect setup or, you know, things just so.
I don't want people to see the boxes or the, stuff in disarray.
Then I'm like, "That's not really who I am." I'm not one to make it look like I have it all together all the time, like I know all the answers or that everything is perfect
and I know like a lot of the people that I follow, that's one of the reasons that I follow them is because they're real. They don't try to put on like a show. They don't [00:02:00] try to put on a front like they're someone who they're not And personally, I care a lot more about someone's message and their energy than I do about how their hair or makeup is or their fricking studio background or how on point their outfit is
And just to be clear, like the reason that I didn't record that week was not because our house was upside down. It wasn't because I was living in boxes or anything like that. It was literally just because I underestimated the amount of shit I had to do, , I totally would've recorded with all of the boxes and all of the mess.
I mean, you guys, last week I fricking recorded with no makeup and no hair. I never... Not no hair, I had hair. You know what I'm saying, like my hair wasn't done. I would have never done that before, but then I'm like, "Who gives a shit?"
But I think that's the problem. Like, I feel like sometimes we give so much power to how we'll be perceived or our self-image or how we're gonna look or if something needs to be just so before we do whatever it is that we wanna do, that we end up just not doing it at all
Like we care so much more about our [00:03:00] self-image and the possible perceptions from other people than we do about the connections that we're trying to make or the contribution that we're trying to make into the world
And the last episode that I recorded, I was thinking like, "Oh my God, I'm so not prepared," my hair's not done, my makeup's not done, , " But I also don't wanna leave my listeners just hanging and not knowing where the hell I am this week," especially when I give them no heads-up that I wouldn't have an episode., sit back and think, like, "Do I care more about how I look on camera, or do I care more about you and leaving you hanging and wondering where the hell I am this week, and at least giving you some kind of idea of what's going on in my life, especially with everything that I've been sharing?"
And I realized that was more important to me. It was more important to connect with you, let you know where I've been, let you know what's going on, let you know we made it to Florida, than it was for me to look pretty on camera I feel like sometimes we're scared to show [00:04:00] our flaws because then it might prove that we're not good enough, and it might highlight some insecurities that we already have
So we try to pretend like we have our shit together, that life is grand
we know what we're doing. We've got things under control
And we think that if everything looks good then, you know, people will take us more seriously
Maybe they'll have more respect for us. Maybe, , we'll prove that we're worthy of their attention , and I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that, I think you should be aware of it. it's your ego just trying to do its job. Your ego is just trying to protect your self-image, and that's what it's there for , But I also feel like it's driven by a sense of fear, a fear of being seen, a fear of being judged,
, if you're scared of how you'll look, if you're scared of how you'll be perceived, if you're scared that you're gonna show, your mess or your flaws or your insecurities, or maybe you don't know everything yet
you're probably just gonna wait and put things off until you [00:05:00] think you've got it all together and till you think things are just right
Or maybe you're not showing who you truly are
what you're actually going through
your ideas, your opinions, things that maybe you're confused about, things that don't sit right with you,
What you're going through might be something someone else is going through, or things that you're insecure about, maybe someone else is insecure about those too
Maybe your ideas or your opinions, maybe they're not popular, but maybe there's someone out there that agrees with you. Maybe there's someone out there that's like, "God, finally someone gets me."
And if you, if you hide those things, if you don't really show those things that you feel you might be judged for, then you're not gonna connect with the people who you're meant to connect with
so essentially, like you might not show up for the people who really need you
Or if you try to be too perfect and too on point, you might actually repel the people away that were meant for the authentic you
My favorite is, like, if you ever watch a [00:06:00] performance or, uh, a speaker and they mess up, like it's a really professional setting or even like a national event or something, and they mess up, and they make a joke about it, how funny that is because everyone's like, "Oh gosh," like, "he can at least admit to his mistake," or, "She can at least admit that they messed up, and we're not gonna just sit here and pretend nothing ever happened."
Or like at the end of some movies where they'll have like a little blooper at the end, I love those 'cause then you see these movies and these big-time actors who were paid millions and millions of dollars, and they mess up on a word, or they forget their line, and you're like, "Oh yeah, they're human, too.
We're all fricking human."
There's actually someone I work with that they're one of those people that they can never admit their mistakes, never admit that they're wrong, they always have to be the smartest one in the room, like they have their shit together all the time. And you know what the funny thing is, is no one likes them. No one enjoys working with that person. I have not met anyone in my company who speaks highly of them. there's another person I work with who is the first person to [00:07:00] admit their mistakes, and even laughs about it, even broadcasts it.
one time they made a mistake. They sent the wrong link to a customer, right? It was supposed to be some, I don't know, some business link for them, and instead they sent a... I don't know if I'm pronouncing it right. Is it a GIF or a GIF? One of those like animated memes. And it was hilarious. And it was like this really professional email, and in the email it's like, "Please click this link to do X, Y, Z." And you click that link, and you see this hilarious GIF. And I died when they showed it to me. I just died laughing, and I was like, "Can I share this with so-and-so?" And it was the highlight of our day. Now, that person did not need to share that with me.
They also could have said, "No, please don't share it with anyone else." But they realized, like, it wasn't on purpose. No one meant to do it. We're just human. We're just out here trying to do the best [00:08:00] that we can. And you know what? Let's laugh at ourselves along the way. If we make a mistake, if we're not perfect here and there, who freaking cares? Everyone makes mistakes. Let's just enjoy life.
So I just think it's interesting that the one person who is always trying to look so put together is the one that nobody connects with, and then the one person who is so willing to put their flaws out there, everybody loves. , So maybe perfection isn't really all that it is or all that we make it out to be
So I did a little research on this, and there was a 2026 study
that compared people who only shared their wins
with people who share their vulnerabilities
and the success only people received the lowest authenticity ratings, which does not surprise me in the least
People who share their mistakes, their flaws, their insecurities, whatever it is, were perceived as more authentic Which o- obviously if you're more authentic and you're more real, people consider you more down to earth, you're more [00:09:00] socially appealing
so what is my point here? It's really just stop taking yourself so seriously. Start embracing your imperfections. Start embracing what makes you freaking human in the first place
Or like me, embrace being a noob. according to my kids, a noob. It's when you're new at something and you don't really know everything yet, but you know what? You're trying it out, you're learning. You have to start from somewhere. Like, embrace that stage. Embrace that learning stage and just trying it anyway
you might not know what the hell you're doing, but you know what? At least you're trying. At least you're putting in the effort. There's a lot of people out here that just won't even start
And honestly, at the end of the day, who gives a fuck? I swear, like, that's one reason I love my 40s so much, because I think with every passing year I give less and less fucks. Like, I don't care what people think of me. I'm just out here living my life and doing the best that I can and trying to help people.
And if I get judged, judge me, don't care
And like I mentioned, people are attracted to realness
And I want people to be attracted to me for who I [00:10:00] am, not some facade of who I want people to think I am
And one thing I have experienced throughout this whole process is I actually feel like it takes a lot more confidence to be messy or imperfect or to know that you know that you don't have everything together or know how much you don't know, if that makes any sense. it takes a lot more confidence to just do it anyway than it does to only put something out when you have everything figured out and when everything looks like it's put together
I cannot believe that I recorded that last episode without my makeup done or without my hair done. Like, that is something I wouldn't even go... Like, 20 years ago Jessie would have never even gone in public without my hair and makeup done. Now I'm posting videos on the internet for whoever to see.
that takes a lot of guts. At least for me. Maybe for you that's not that big of a deal, but for me that was a huge deal
And I actually love, like I'll go to some of the creators that I follow or coaches that I follow, and I will literally go back [00:11:00] to like their very, very beginning episodes just to see how messy they were and just to see that persistence, that they just, they never gave up. They just tried. They didn't know what they were doing, and they just kept getting better and better, and they're super successful now.
And that is just so inspiring to me they knew they didn't have it all figured out and they were willing to just do it anyway
They just cared so much more about what they were sharing and how badly they wanted to help people that their self-image didn't matter as much. They were just messy. They just started messy, and they got better along the way
My family, we actually roast each other. we roast our kids, we roast each other, because I've always wanted to teach my kids that it's okay to laugh at yourself. It's okay to not have something down right. It's okay to not be perfect. It's okay.
We don't want any of us to get too hung up on the flaws that we have or the flaws that we think we have, So we roast each other to make light of them, to make it not that big of a deal
And we want them to know [00:12:00] that it's okay to be seen as real And being an imperfect human, I feel is what helps bond people
know how much energy it takes to just be on all the time? if you're just, always trying to just say the right thing and do the right thing and have the perfect this and have the perfect that, it's draining
if you put a little less pressure on yourself, it's a lot easier to be consistent because if you're setting this bar so high, it just seems unachievable. So then you probably will put it off even more or maybe never do it at all because it's too scary because you're building it up in your head
So stop wasting so much mental energy worrying about whether or not something is exactly how it should be because there is no measurement of what it should be in the first place you know how many times, I post a video and I'm like, "Oh, I should have said it this way," or, "Did I sound dumb," or, "Did I make sense?"
whatever. Done is better than perfect. Just get it out
What if, what if you just didn't care? I'm not saying, like, diminish the quality. Obviously you wanna do your due diligence and make sure that you're [00:13:00] putting the best product out there, doing your best at least. That's all, that's all any of us can do, is do our best. But stop beating yourself up about whether or not it's good enough
It just gives you so much more freedom to be creative and to just be yourself
people see the beauty in being raw. People will trust you more because they feel that you're being genuine
, you just become a magnet for whatever is actually meant for you. Like I don't want to attract an audience who is just so focused on image or professional studios or, me being an expert on everything. I wanna attract an audience who can relate to me and my experiences and my message and my original ideas and thoughts and opinions on things. That's who I want. I want my people.
I don't want someone else's people
and then when you can just be yourself and make mistakes and put shit out there, you have more fun. The whole process is lighter
And then it just makes you [00:14:00] relatable. you guys, I'm, like, sweating like crazy right now. What was I thinking recording this outside? Oh my God, this will be the first and last I do out here during the middle of the day. What time is it? Oh, God, it's 3:00 in the afternoon in Southwest Florida, and it's probably close to 100 degrees,
okay, so like I said, you can care about quality and still be real. So you can have, a beautiful setup, you can have the perfect outfit, the perfect makeup, whatever, whatever makes you comfortable, and you can still admit that you're a mess or that your life is in complete chaos. it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
You can still have some shit together and still also be true to who you are and be real
So I guess what I'm trying to say is your goal shouldn't be to impress, it should be to connect
and to contribute something of value
what messiness would you love to see in others, in the people that you look up to? What do you [00:15:00] wish they would show? What side of them do you feel that is more secret that you could get a little glimpse into? be that for them. Be that for your people
And focus again, focus on your why. Focus on the reason you wanna do whatever it is you wanna do, not how you look doing it or not how people will perceive you doing it
Here's a really minor example. So, Zanden started his new school, and I was getting all of this conflicting information on what supplies he needed. the website said one thing. there was a, Facebook post from the school that said another thing, and then we got an email that said something different, and I was lost.
I'm like, "I have no idea what this kid needs for school, when we're supposed to bring it." Completely clueless. So we have this open house, , and I'm like, "Do I bring this stuff to open house? Does he bring it all to school? Like, how does this work?" And I felt so dumb.
I was hesitant. Like, should I post this question in this Facebook post and look [00:16:00] stupid in front of all these other parents? But then I'm like, okay, again, focusing on the why. I'm not focusing on my image or how I look. I'm focusing on Zanden being prepared and being ready for the first day of school.
So I'm like, do I care more about how I look on a stupid Facebook post with a bunch of strangers that I don't even know? Or do I care about making sure Zanden has what he needs? So I'm like, whatever, I'm just gonna post this stupid question like, "Hey, do we bring the stuff tonight or do we wait for the first day?"
I had like three other moms comment following, "Thanks, Jessica. I was wondering the same thing." Then another mom was like, "Oh, I'm gonna private message you," and got the answer to my question. And not only did I get the answer to my question, a couple other moms got the answer to the same question that they were afraid to ask.
So just put it out there. You're probably in the same boat that someone else is anyway. And they're gonna appreciate that you were willing to look dumb and help them, help yourself and help them
And then also condition yourself [00:17:00] that it is okay to show up messy, without anything really bad happening. So for example, my last episode I posted with no makeup and no hair done, guess what? I survived. Nobody even said anything about it. I asked the dumb question on the Facebook post. People actually appreciated it I've posted imperfect episodes before.
I don't know that there's any episode that I'm like 100% happy with. There's always something in there that I wish I would've said or did differently or whatever. But you know what? I still survive every week Or just admitting mistakes.
People will find humor in it, and then they can relate to you
So what is something that maybe you're trying to hide or you've hidden in the past that might actually make someone else feel seen or feel validated?
What if there's something that you're embarrassed to admit or show or do that makes someone else feel like, "Oh my God, me too. Thank you"?
So this week I just want you to [00:18:00] decide to do it anyway. Say it anyway. Show it anyway
Give your best effort and just have fun with it
It can be something as simple as just going out in public with no makeup on or posting a video to the internet. But if you don't wear makeup, maybe it's something like
putting something out into the world that you're not 100% on maybe it's trying a new hobby that you're scared to try. Maybe it is admitting a mistake to someone
. Maybe it's just admitting to someone that you're struggling with something, or it's asking the dumb question, or maybe you're, you're not super confident to say this thing, but you have this really strong opinion and you say it in that meeting
Or maybe you just start something before you have it all figured out. So that's what I have for you guys today. So I hope this inspired you to just do it. Just try it. I support you. You got this, and thanks for listening.
I'll see you on the next episode.
