EP34 Being a Mom Isn’t Holding You Back – It’s Your Superpower
Jessica Gaines: [00:00:00] You're like the stars in outer space. Something about you radiates. And it feels so nice, and it feels so nice, yeah
So if you're a mom or a parent who loves your kids and would do absolutely anything for them, including maybe putting them before yourself, putting them before your dreams, your goals, your passions, then this episode is for you
because the very thing that you think is making pursuing your dreams or your goals harder might actually be the thing that has prepared you for them
so as you may already know, I have been a mom for the past 18 years, and being a mom has been one of the most fulfilling parts of my life
My boys have brought me so much joy and so much purpose, and honestly, they've brought things to my life that I never even really knew I was missing and I didn't even know that I needed
If you're a mom or if you're a parent, you know exactly what I'm talking about
For me, [00:01:00] I remember when Javen was a baby, he was maybe... Uh, maybe not a baby, maybe a toddler. But I remember one night I was putting him to bed, and he said, "I love you, Mama," all by himself. Like, it wasn't a return I love you. I didn't say it first. He said it all by himself,
Or the times where my boys are at the breakfast table, it's usually after they eat, '. they're so happy, and they're jumping out of their seats, and they're singing TikTok songs and doing TikTok dances and just being super goofy. . And those are the moments, at least for me, that I didn't realize were so impactful.
Especially now that Javen's in college, I didn't realize how much those moments really lit up my life
And just watching them grow, seeing them go from this little baby who does nothing all day to developing their own little personality and their own interests
And just becoming their own person has been the most rewarding experience
but I'm not gonna lie, being a mom has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. From [00:02:00] the sheer pain of giving birth, I mean I am a big believer in epidurals. To just getting them through life, seeing them sick, seeing them in pain, seeing them sad, to the whole juggling life itself. You know, you've had a life before the kids arrive, and then once the kids show up,
Now you're juggling everything that you had before they arrived to now adding them into the mix and trying to find ways to still manage the household chores, and now you probably have sports that you're taking them to
homework you're helping them with. honestly, the list is endless
But just all of the responsibility that goes along with raising a human
they require so much of our energy, our time, our attention, and our love. And I feel like I can speak on this now that I have successfully raised an infant to, in his words, a grown-ass man who is now living his best life out in college only 20 minutes away. [00:03:00] But I've gone through it all
I say this because raising kids has a way of consuming all of our focus
I talk about this a little bit more in episode 20, but I talk more in that episode about how it has a tendency of consuming our identity if you let it.
but I really felt inspired to create this separate episode because this episode is specifically for those of us who maybe we had a dream or this big vision before we had kids, and then once we had kids, it didn't seem as important. Or maybe we didn't think it was possible.
We put it on hold
or maybe you're someone like me who didn't really have a dream, didn't really have a big vision or any big goals before having kids. But after having kids, then it felt like, you needed something more, like parenthood or just working a job wasn't enough.
But maybe you talked yourself out of it because of the responsibility that comes along with being a mom or a parent and raising kids
And I feel like one of the [00:04:00] reasons that that happens is because . This isn't the only reason, but I do feel like one reason is because society does have a way of programming us to feel as though once you have kids, your life is over
And not like your life is over that you can't live anymore or you can't experience any joy, but your life, your vision, your priorities are not as important. It's all about your kid
so maybe we're aware that we have something that we would love to go after for ourselves, but because we're a mom or because we're a parent makes it feel unrealistic
And not only just unrealistic, it can even feel wrong, or you might even feel like you're being selfish if you do
So what happens is we end up putting our dreams on hold because parenting just feels like enough
We might even look at having kids as though it is a handicap or a limitation
You know, we think about all the responsibilities that we take on [00:05:00] when raising a child
We have these little people depending on us now, or in my case, slightly bigger people. They're not so little anymore.
But you think like, "I don't have the time. I don't have the energy." Maybe you're exhausted
You probably have a lot less money too. I know for us, we do, especially Zanden just went from kid shoe sizes to adult shoe sizes, which if you've experienced that stage of life yet, yikes. That's like double.
So because of all this, we interpret that as meaning I am less capable. I don't have as many resources
I maybe could have done it before kids, but now that I have kids, it's not possible, or it's so much harder, and maybe it's not worth it
So then you're like, "Mm, all right, maybe I'll do it when they're older. Maybe when they're out of the house."
I've felt like this before. I felt like if I were to pursue something for myself, then that would mean that I would be taking something away from them because there's only so much to go around, and if I take any of that for myself, [00:06:00] whether it's just time or attention or money or any of that, then they would have less
And if I was a good mom that meant they come first by any means
Until of course I did a ton of work on myself and my mindset and realized that's not really true. you can take care of your kids and take care of yourself. You can give them everything that they need and still make time for you and follow something that lights you up
So I decided to start experimenting when Javen was a freshman in high school, so that means he was probably around 14. Zanden was probably nine
I experimented. Let me be clear, it was a lots of experiments. I quit a lot of things
Go listen to episode 11 I talk all about all the things that I quit
But that's part of the process
You don't really know what's meant for you until you try a bunch of stuff, right?
And the funny thing is, stepping back, I was actually a lot busier then than I am now. I mean, at 9 and 14, that means they were both in the house. Right now, [00:07:00] Javen's out. He's in the dorm. They were both in sports. neither one of them are in sports at this moment
I still had a full-time job. I still had a house. I still had a husband
I didn't magically have more time than when I decided to start pursuing something. It's just I gave myself permission to just start. I gave myself permission to try
I had no idea what it was that I wanted. I just knew that I wanted something more. I felt like something was missing
I believe that I was capable of just exploring
What I didn't realize then, and now I'm starting to understand, starting to kind of realize now, is what if being a parent was actually preparing me for this? You know, I used to wonder, like, why did it take so long for me to kind of get that feeling, to understand that there is more out there, and you don't just have to settle for being a mom or working a nine-to-five?
And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with either one of those. I'm just saying if you are feeling like this, if you're feeling [00:08:00] like that's just not enough for you anymore
maybe you had to go through this whole parenting experience first. I've been thinking that myself, like, Jesus, maybe I had to go through this. Maybe I had to learn all of the lessons that I've learned through being a parent to realize I am capable of something a lot bigger
I mean, think about what it takes to raise a child, to raise a human. Holy shit, if you look back at everything you've accomplished, especially if you're like me and you have a kid who's in their teens or off to college, like you have gone through a hell of a lot to get here
And even if not, even if you just have a baby or a toddler, like those years, Now looking back, those flew by. But when you're in the middle of it, it feels like it's the hardest thing you've ever done, at least my experience
But being a parent now I feel like is actually a freaking superpower
It has taught you so many of the skills that you [00:09:00] need to go after a big dream or some scary-ass goal
or build something of your own or just do something that you've never done before
So your first superpower is you have learned how to do things with no guide, no manual, no instructions. You have learned to just F around and figure it out
None of us actually know how to take care of a baby when we bring them home from the hospital
I mean, we try to learn as much as we can before they arrive. You know, you probably read books. I know I read that What to Expect When Expecting book. I think we went to maybe one parenting class. you talk to people, you research as much as you can
But for the most part, you take them home and you are just learning as you go
Your main goal is to keep them alive, obviously, and you wanna keep them happy. You wanna keep them comfortable. I know when I took Javen home, nobody told me that you had to strategically change baby boys like, you had to position the diaper in a [00:10:00] certain spot, otherwise you will get peed on, and you might get peed on in the face.
Nobody told me that. I didn't read that in any books. . But I learned quickly
Um, potty training. I remember I read all kinds of stuff on what to do and all the different tactics you can use use Cheerios and give him candy. He really loved cherries, so I tried using cherries. None of that worked.
.. Nothing I ever read or researched helped us. We had to learn who Javen was as his little two-year-old self and what motivated him, and the funny thing is we discovered he loves cars, . He might be so embarrassed that I'm sharing this, but Eddie had to design a racetrack.
He drew a racetrack, and then I had to find car stickers, so every five or 10 potties he did on the potty, I would put car stickers on the racetrack, and every time he made whatever the goal was, five or 10, he got a Hot Wheels car. That worked. So even though someone else is telling you or showing you the way, that might be something that worked for them.
That [00:11:00] doesn't necessarily mean that it'll work for you
And then once you learn how to overcome that obstacle or that phase, then you worry about the next phase.
You didn't wait to learn how to raise an infant to an 18-year-old before becoming a parent. You just learn the thing that you need to learn then, and then you learn the next thing
And that's exactly what it's like when you're pursuing a dream , or a big goal First you decide to start. You probably will mess up. You learn from your mistakes
You adjust, you figure out the next step
And you go from there
Superpower number two You do really hard shit because you care
So being a parent means you are constantly doing things that you don't wanna do And most of the time you don't wanna do them because they require a lot of energy, a lot of time, and a lot of patience
when Javen was a baby, he slept really good, he ate really good, but he cried all day, all day long. And all day for two and a half [00:12:00] months, we had to try to comfort him
It was exhausting, - physically and mentally. I still ask him, like, "Why were you crying so much? Are you okay? Do you wanna talk about what happened when you were two months old? 'Cause you were really going through it
And then, and then you're dealing with nonstop poop and blowouts and puke. Nobody that I've ever met ever wants to deal with puke or poop
Then they start climbing on everything. They start putting all kinds of shit in their mouth, maybe actual shit. mine never did that. But anything that they can find, they're putting in their mouth They're stumbling around everywhere like a little drunk person
If you have ever lived with a crawling or a walking little baby, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Ages, I would say between the age of like one and two when they're learning how to walk, your full-time job is keeping them alive
You are keeping them from choking, from falling, from drowning, from suffocating
I felt like I was chasing behind Javen, like, constantly. Like I was just [00:13:00] his little tail everywhere he went because I just am, like, preventing the next thing from happening. I'm preventing the next catastrophe
I do not miss that stage whatsoever. They're so adorable and they're so cute, but it is physically so demanding and that's just the very, very beginning of their life. Like, we don't even get to the, like, really hard shit yet
Besides keeping them alive, you are guiding them and helping them and teaching them everything
how to eat, how to walk, how to write their name, how to ride a bike, how to drive a car, how to apply for college, and then eventually you're helping them move out
you guide them through life's challenges. I mean, school bullies, difficult teachers, difficult coaches, breakups with girlfriends or boyfriends, difficult times with their friendships, mental health struggles
Then you have to figure out how to discipline them
. I mean, that's probably also one of the hardest things as a parent. Like, you want things to be smooth, you wanna get along with them all the time, but there are those moments you have to discipline them,
and [00:14:00] as much as the kids might think that's easy on us, it's hard
There is no handbook for this. You know, you don't wanna raise little assholes, so you gotta teach them what the hell is right from wrong
Some of this stuff is so challenging, and some of it I never expected to even have to do. Like, you don't think when you're having a baby, you don't even think about the years ahead. Like I didn't. I didn't think about the teenage years and all of the, the challenges that I would face during this time.
I always joke when someone has a baby, everyone's like, "Oh, are you getting any sleep? How's the baby sleeping? How is everything going?" Everyone's always checking on the people that have newborns. No one is checking on me. No one is checking on me saying, "Hey, Jess, you got two teenagers. You doing all right?"
This is probably one of the most difficult times of their life Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent here
But my point is you do all of this because you love them, you care about them, you want them to succeed, you want them to be happy, you want them to grow up to be a good person. You're not [00:15:00] doing it for some trophy or some reward at the end
and I feel that's the same reason you should do it for your dream or your goal. You shouldn't do it for what you will get at the end. You should do it because you love it. You should do it because of how it makes you feel
And not just what you think it might give you
I truly believe that just the pursuit of going after whatever lights you up is so much more rewarding than actually achieving it. And if I compare that to raising a child, I honestly was more sad about Javen turning 18 and graduating from high school, for me, it felt like, not like it's over, not like being a parent, like I'm done being a parent.
I'm not. But all of those little moments... God, I'm gonna, I'm gonna try not to cry here
All of those moments
All of those hard moments were the rewarding parts, were what made all of it worth it
It's the experience, it's the joy [00:16:00] of the process
And it's who you become along the way. I know for a fact I am not the same person that I was 18 years ago. I have grown so much and learned so much through being a mom, and I wouldn't trade that for anything
But what the superpower is, is it teaches you that you can do something really fucking hard
And it can be really fucking worth it at the same time superpower number three. You learn to prioritize what matters
You have had to manage all of their needs on top of all of your needs and then everything else
Between the house and school and sports or activities, homework, friend sleepovers, school concerts, birthday parties, grocery shopping, pets Everything. You're juggling a million things at once And you have to decide, does the house need to be cleaned? Or do you need to go to your kid's game? Do you have to do yard work?
Or do you need [00:17:00] groceries in the fridge?
Like what is most important at that time? what gets moved to the top of the list
And I heard this not too long ago, another podcast I was listening to, but someone said, "If you wanna get something done, ask someone who's busy
And I thought that was such an interesting statement, and I feel like it's so true because the busy people are the ones who know how to prioritize their time
They learn how to be strategic because it's a limited resource for them
If you have someone who has all the time in the world and they have something to do, it's a lot easier for them to put it off to the next day because they have more time the next day. So it's a lot more likely for them to put things off and not get them done in a timely manner than it is for someone with kids, with a job, with all kinds of responsibilities because they have, like, these little parts of time that they have to get things done
So you might think by being busy makes it less possible for you to go after your dream or your goal.[00:18:00]
But I actually feel like it forces you to be really selective with how you spend your time
And your energy I talk about this more in episode 25, where I say how you can make massive amounts of change in your life just by being more intentional and finding those little pockets of time throughout the day, and then prioritizing what matters and just being consistent every single day. So if you're a mom or you're a parent and you think that you don't have enough time, but you have something that really matters to you, if you put 20 minutes a day, 30 minutes a day, and you just stay consistent, I guarantee you, you can make something happen
So if you have something really big that you want to achieve and you feel like being a parent is making it too hard, that you don't have enough time or you don't have enough energy, use what you've learned with your scheduling and juggling a million things at once and learning how to prioritize what matters, [00:19:00] and include your dream or your goal as what matters.
So make sure you're fitting that into your schedule and prioritizing that just as much as you would taking care of your kids, ' cause you gotta take care of yourself, too
okay, I personally feel like we have an endless amount of superpowers, but for this episode I'm just gonna go into four. So superpower number four
It gives you such a strong why. Being a mom, being a parent gives you that driving force why you're doing what you're doing
I personally feel like pursuing what matters to you and following what lights you up is part of being a good parent And I'm not saying that you have to have something like that in order to be a good parent. I'm saying that being a parent shouldn't be the reason that you don't
When your child sees you putting in the time, putting in the effort, maybe they see you make mistakes, maybe they see you get frustrated or encounter some kind of obstacle and you [00:20:00] never give up
And you just continue to keep going and keep learning and keep growing You become an inspiration to them without even having to lecture them
my boys get really annoyed with me because anytime things happen, we encounter some kind of a challenge, they piss me off, I always look for moments to teach them a lesson, right? Javen always says I turn everything into a lecture, and probably because I like to talk. That's one of the reasons I started this.
but when they see you go after something that matters to you, you don't even have to say anything. You are leading by example
There was a time where we were driving to Indiana for, uh, an AAU basketball tournament, and the drive was about five hours. So we had some time to kill, and I thought, I thought it would be fun to go around and everybody spend a few minutes sharing what they loved about the other person because I just think that that's something that we don't really talk about a lot.
I don't think that that's very normal to go around telling people what you love about them, [00:21:00] I just think it's really uplifting for people to hear the impact that they make on others and what makes them unique or special or why somebody loves them. So it was Javen's turn, and he was talking about Eddie, and he was saying how Eddie is such an inspiration to him because every morning that Javen woke up, Eddie had already spent time doing music.
He had already gone to the gym, and he had already cooked them breakfast. .. And Javen was just inspired by that alone because
From Javen's point of view, he's like, "You have accomplished so much just even by the time I wake up." . And then he talked about me and how I was an inspiration because of how much I was helping Eddie with his music and helping him really go after it.
And it's interesting because I never even realized what we were doing just on a regular day-to-day was an inspiration to him, and I, I guess I didn't realize how much he was paying attention to it. You know, you think teenagers are just kinda off in their own world and a little bit self-absorbed, but they are seeing [00:22:00] it
You are a living example to them every day. They have been watching you their entire life. I mean, you know this especially from the toddler stage. They are little sponges, and they mimic everything that you do
And I've never liked the saying, you know, "Do as I say, not as I do." I disagree with that because I feel like you make so much more of an impact by your actions than you do your words, and I've always taught my kids that, when you are dealing with any person, I don't care who they are, you don't pay attention to what they're telling you.
You pay attention to what they do, how they treat you, how they act, not what they say
And studies have proven that kids mirror what they observe, not what they're told
So your actions, the way you show up shows them what's possible
And I feel like the same applies to pursuing something for yourself, pursuing a big dream. Like, why are you doing it? And being a parent, and being a mom, your children are your why. They are [00:23:00] the reason why you're just figuring shit out as you go. They are the reason why you're doing all of this hard stuff over and over and over again. They are why you're juggling schedules and running around like a crazy person
Because they matter to you
So when you're going after something for yourself, your dream, your big vision, whatever it is that you're creating, you're building, you have to have a strong why.
So I wanna end this with ask yourself what is something that you're putting off or you have put off because you have a kid, because you're a parent, because you're a mom?
And which of these parenting superpowers could help you take the first step?
I am Jessica Gaines. This is the Starlit Success podcast. Thank you for spending your time and energy with me, and I will see you on the next episode
