EP36 - Your Energy Changes Everything - Even If You Don't Notice
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[00:00:00] You're like the stars in outer space. Something about you radiates. And it feels so nice, and it feels so nice, yeah
Jessica Gaines: One thing I've noticed is that we pay attention to other people's energy all the time, but have you ever stopped to think about your own? Like, what other people are actually experiencing from you
So I'm someone who's always been a big believer in vibes, whether they're high vibes or low vibes. Even people that give you no vibes, you know those people where you just, you don't really get anything from them? But it's not necessarily something that you can see or you can touch. It's just like a feeling that you get from them
You know, maybe it's someone that you just met. You barely know them, but you feel like you've known them forever. Or that person at the gas station that's pumping next to you, and you don't really know what it is, but there's just, like, something creepy about them
... Here's one thing that I don't think we think about as often, or maybe some of us don't even think about at all,
[00:01:00] while you're picking up on everyone else's energy, they're picking up on yours too.
Hi, I'm Jessica, and you're listening to the Starlit Success podcast. And in today's episode, we're not talking just about energy. We are talking about how the energy that you bring into your life can actually impact the way you experience your world how people experience you and ultimately, what does or doesn't come back to you as a result?
One thing I have discovered in my 43 years on this planet is how uncommon it is for people to be aware of their own energy
Even in my own marriage, I mean, I cannot tell you how many times in our 25 years of being together Eddie has maybe given off a vibe where he's just, mm, a little bit more withdrawn, a little bit more quiet, maybe even a little bit edgy
And then when I talk to him about it in the moment, he swears there's nothing wrong. He doesn't see that there's anything wrong . , He has no awareness of the energy [00:02:00] that he's giving off
but then later, after the moment passes, , maybe the next day we talk about it, and then he realizes, like, "Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I was actually really in my head about this thing," or, "You know what? I was actually just really hungry
And I am so guilty of this too. I can't tell you how many passes he has given me over the last 25 years of me simply just being hangry. We've all been there, right?
But there was this one moment in my life.. Not only did I not realize it in the moment, but I didn't realize it for years later.
So when I was a project manager at the software company I worked at, I was in a cubicle, and there was oftentimes where I was having status calls and scheduled meetings with customers, and I would need at least, you know, 10, 15 minutes before my meetings to prepare. You know, just kind of go through my notes and figure out what we talked about last week, all the open items on the list, and I needed to be focused in that time because I was gonna face this customer in a few minutes.
And lo and behold, I swear it never failed , [00:03:00] someone would pop up in my cube at that time, you know, five minutes before the meeting, 10 minutes before the meeting, and I would get so annoyed that these people would pop up unannounced.
No email, no message, no, "Are you busy?" No, "Can I schedule a time to talk?" They would just walk up to my cube and just start talking, and it was really uncomfortable because I was a very social person. I was very, curious about other people and genuinely interested in what they had going on, so it was really hard for me to just turn them away or be rude or be short with them
And I just remember always complaining, always complaining to friends or family members about how this constantly happens. it even got to a point where I looked up on Amazon... to see if there was any cubicle curtains that I could purchase to kind of block off my area so that people would know when I was busy How hilarious would that be if I actually had curtains in my cube?
I would've been the only one. Talk about do not disturb, right?
... But the interesting [00:04:00] thing, the next job I had years later, I ran into the same exact problem, ... And this time I didn't even have as much privacy as I did at the previous job. It was a much more open cubicle space, but same thing was happening.
People were walking up to my desk, people were chatting, people wanted to say what's up. And here I am getting ready for meetings, completely interrupted with five minutes before my meeting, and not knowing how to tell these people, "Uh, I, I can't talk right now, I'm busy," without feeling rude and like I was cutting them short.
. So I was out to dinner with my parents one night, and I'm venting to them about this issue I have of people constantly coming up to my desk, and I swear they didn't even have to say anything. In that moment, I immediately recognized that I was the issue.
Like, a light bulb just went off, and I was like, "Holy shit, I'm the problem." Like, here I am years later complaining about the same exact thing that I was complaining about at a completely different [00:05:00] job. It's me
Even though I wouldn't necessarily say that I was giving off bad energy, I actually think I was probably giving off good energy, and that's what was attracting these people to my cube because I was interested in what they had going on.
I cared about them as a person. I was generally a pretty happy and positive person. I, I still consider myself to be. so I was attracting those connections, but I was attracting the very thing that I was claiming that I didn't want
And not only was I attracting the thing that I didn't want, I was completely oblivious to it. I was completely unaware of the role that I was playing in my own experience
And that's the crazy part. Like, the energy that you're giving off generally is not a conscious decision. It's not something that you have to verbally announce that you're feeling
, But that doesn't mean that that won't affect the people experiencing it from you
So think about your own life. What are you maybe giving off that [00:06:00] is attracting something that you don't necessarily want? Because we know now whether you're aware of it or not, the energy that you bring doesn't just affect you. It impacts everyone around you
it can and often will change how others experience you and ultimately how they respond to you
We've all experienced this from the other side at one point or another. I remember my oldest son brought over a female friend years ago, and he never really had female friends before. Oftentimes, they were guy friends. So I thought it was kind of interesting that he was bringing over a girl friend, not necessarily a girlfriend, but just a friend that was a girl.
And when she came over, I instantly understood why he was friends with her. She came in, and she was just the most bubbly, outgoing, uplifting, just shining light that came into our home. , And I think I mentioned this earlier, it's that one person that you don't even know, you barely met them, but you feel like you've known them forever.
I just instantly took a liking to her
She [00:07:00] was just a good vibe. She just lit up everyone else that was around her, and I still love her
we've all experienced the other side too, where someone comes into your space and they don't really give you that good vibe. Maybe they give you an off vibe. So I remember one of my brother's ex-girlfriends he brought around, and honestly, like, I wouldn't say she gave off a bad vibe. She was nice.
She came to all of the family events. I didn't really have any concrete, valid reason for not liking her. I just got an off vibe. I'm generally a really good reader of people, and I can pick up on their energy and pick up on their vibes, and I just, I didn't get anything from her.
I just didn't care for her. I couldn't really explain it. I didn't have any real evidence or proof I just didn't get any good vibes. And you probably have a couple people in mind right now, I would imagine. it all played out, . They didn't work out.
But think about it. Generally, if you're in a good mood, if you're [00:08:00] excited about something, you're probably more talkative, you're probably more upbeat, you're probably more charismatic, and how does that transfer to the next person then?
They're probably gonna get to talking, get to asking questions, and you kind of vibe with each other then
Whereas if you're feeling stressed or you're down about something, or maybe you just got some bad news
Maybe something didn't go as planned. Now maybe you're a little bit short
Maybe you're kind of rude. Maybe you're not as helpful.
if you're rude to someone or you're short with them or you don't wanna help them out, they're probably not gonna give you anything good back
So all I'm saying is your internal state oftentimes will affect your outward behavior
Even if you don't verbally express how you're feeling. So one example I like to give cause we've all, we've all been there. When you have your hair done or you just got a fresh haircut and you got a brand-new outfit and you got new shoes on, and you are just feeling yourself, right? And you just walk different.
You just carry yourself [00:09:00] different. It's kind of that look good, feel good, play good mentality
Other people will pick up on that
And not only will they pick up on that, they will likely respond to you differently because of it
So I actually learned a term called emotional contagion. So it is the unconscious process of copying someone else's mood or their emotions. So basically the idea is that energy is contagious
and when I first heard this term emotional contagion, the first thing that popped in my head was the Christmas spirit. I'm one of those people that November 1st hits, and, , my house transforms into the Christmas wonderland. But when I think of the Christmas spirit, there's just like a different energy in the air. Most people, most people are happy. There are some who are the Grinches and the Scrooges of Christmas, but for the most part, people are in a good state.
, They're upbeat, they're generous, , they're baking cookies. They're spending [00:10:00] time with their family. Like, all of the good vibes are flowing through the air
I feel like that's why they say it's better to give than to receive because I feel like when you give, you're kind of starting that, chain reaction of that positive energy
. But as we just discussed, negative energy can spread too. We've all been there. We've all been around that person in a shitty mood, especially if you are married with children, you live this on a daily basis.
There's always someone at some point in the day who is hangry or short or pissed off about something, and you learn to roll with it
But there was actually a study in 2006 called The Bad Apple Effect
. Which basically proved that one negative person can affect an entire group
So they placed actors in small groups to act as bad apples.
So they were supposed to act as a jerk a slacker or a complainer
so they found that quality creativity and performance all dropped when they had one of these bad apples in the group
And then they [00:11:00] also found that conflict and disagreements increased
just from one bad apple in the group
I know you're probably thinking of that one bad apple you have in your workplace that affects everyone else around you. We've all had one or more in our work experience
. so your energy just doesn't impact how you feel. It impacts the way you show up, which then impacts how people respond to you, which then affects the whole experience and what happens next
I tend to think of energy similar to karma, not exactly like karma, but it's kind of an exchange where it's something that you're giving out, and then something that you're either getting or not getting back in return So really it's every action has a reaction
So the energy that you're giving out could be contributing to what you do or don't get back
So if you're someone who has really good energy, you're helpful, you're positive, you're compassionate, you care about others
Oftentimes people and opportunities will gravitate towards you
The way I like to think about this is let's say [00:12:00] you have a position available and you have to hire someone, and you have two people and their resumes are identical. They have the exact same qualifications, exact same experience. What else do you base your decision off of? Let's say their answers in the interview are exact as well, right?
You have nothing else to judge them by. What is gonna make your final decision? Usually, it's the energy that they're giving
Maybe one of them was a little bit more positive. Maybe they asked more questions. Maybe they seemed more interested, whereas maybe the other one didn't. Maybe the other one was just a little bit more flat
so the last two jobs that I've had, neither one of them I applied for. Both of them were from people who I had worked with on some level in the past. So one of them was a former boss, and then one of them was actually a former customer.
So not only did I fit the qualifications of the opportunity that they were looking for, but they had already gained proof that I was someone who they had a positive [00:13:00] experience with in the past
And I'm not saying that if you have a less positive energy or a bad energy or, like, a lower frequency that you're gonna necessarily attract bad things. What I'm saying is that you could repel good things from happening to you.
So I'm gonna tell you a little story about our Qdoba experience last week. just stay with me. So we go in a Qdoba, we walk up, and there's these two guys, they look about college age or so, and they have this puppy who, I think it was a pit bull, it was kind of like a pit bull breed.
you can tell he was a puppy just by his face, right? And he was so freaking cute. And he took, like, one step toward me. You know, he's a puppy. You know, he's being friendly, but he doesn't really know who I am. And I immediately bent down and I start talking my puppy talk. You know, everybody has to have their baby or puppy talk.
If you don't, I don't, I don't know why. You should. So I, I take a step down and I start talking my puppy talk, right? "Hi, buddy. How are you?" You gotta go, like, four octaves higher, right? [00:14:00] And I'm petting him and I'm talking my baby talk, and as soon as I stop, he walks over and sits on the floor right between me and Eddie, like he belongs to us now
So obviously I just start laughing. The owner starts laughing. You could tell he was kind of like a little bit embarrassed, like, "Oh my God, my dog just totally betrayed me." But it was adorable. And I'm not saying, like if I wouldn't have done that, if I would have just completely ignored him and walked up in line and placed my order and paid the dog no mind.
All I'm saying is I wouldn't have gotten that adorable interaction with him. Nothing bad would have happened. I just wouldn't have had that really fun, positive experience
I also believe that your energy isn't just between you and other people.
I believe there's also an exchange happening within us, within our souls or our higher power
. things like having gratitude and being true to yourself and your [00:15:00] values Following your intuition, following your heart
You will live a life that is a lot more in alignment with who you are
Which I feel can cause a much greater sense of fulfillment and happiness
Whereas if you don't, maybe you do have more difficult experiences because I believe discomfort is a sign of redirection. So it's not necessarily a way to punish you, but if you're not following who you truly are and what you really want and what lights you up and what makes you happy and things that you truly believe in, I feel like your higher power will make sure that you're not comfortable where you are.
Because if you're not comfortable, then there's a likelier chance that you will move and you will change it
Ask me how I know. You guys have heard my story. I was very uncomfortable and had a lot of difficult experiences, which led me to where I am now. So there . But whether you look at this psychologically, socially, or spiritually
What you're bringing into [00:16:00] your life's experiences makes a difference
Okay, great. So what do we actually do with this? the first step is just being aware and being more intentional with your energy, with how you show up
so first, pay attention to how your energy changes when you're with certain people or when you're in certain places, what you are watching on TV or what you're seeing on social media
I actually stopped watching horror movies like 20 years ago. It was something that we did every year on my birthday, and my birthday's in October, so that was always kind of like the theme of my birthday, was always some Halloween, whether it was a costume party or a pumpkin farm. We would always go see horror movies.
And it got to a point where I couldn't even hear it. So I was in a movie theater once, and I caught myself, not only did I, have my eyes closed, I was plugging my ears, too, because it was so disturbing. I think it was one of the Saw movies. Not only was the movie itself disturbing, the most disturbing part for me [00:17:00] was knowing that there was an actual live human being that thought of this, that wrote this script, that thought of these certain events to happen, and that was disgusting to me
But I didn't like the way it made me feel, bottom line. I was paying attention to my energy, and I s- I stopped consuming horror movies in that moment
But I've also distanced myself from friends who I noticed I would feel drained after being around
Maybe I would feel depressed after being with them, or exhausted, or just emotionally spent
So in addition to paying attention to the people and the places and the content and everything that is affecting your energy, pay attention to how others might be experiencing you
How do you think people feel after spending time with you?
What are you bringing into your relationships, your marriage, your friendships, your relationships at work?
, And I am not saying by any means that you have to be like this [00:18:00] happy-go-lucky, positive, upbeat person 24/7
You can be sad, you can be angry, you can have a shitty day
But what are you giving off consistently? What is the common theme around your aura?
So really the goal here is just having awareness. It's not necessarily being perfect
And then if you notice that you're in like a shitty mood or a low vibe state, what can you do to clear it? , Or what can you do to improve it?
Like how can you shift it? What can you rely on that is something that can help you change your energy
one consistent thing that I do when I'm just not feeling it, I get outside. I need sunshine. Sunshine just lights me up. So oftentimes I'll either just sit outside in the sun or I'll take Jazzy on a walk and get some fresh air. Maybe for you it's taking a bath and listening to some music
Meditation is something really good that you can do. For me, it's harder to meditate during the day. I always like to [00:19:00] do it like right after I wake up or right before I go to bed. I feel like my brain is in a different state at that moment, and it's much easier for me to focus.
Um, yoga, being physical, getting active. Maybe it's not yoga for you. Maybe it's just going on a walk. Maybe it's running. Maybe it's lifting weights
Maybe it's just having more fun. How can you incorporate more fun in your day? Can you plan something? one thing I love to do is go out for Mexican with my girlfriends, which I can't really do anymore, or not right now, because I'm in Florida and they're up in Wisconsin. But What lights you up? What is something that you just have so much fun doing?
Maybe it's playing a sport
Maybe it's going shopping. Maybe it's going to watch a movie. Whatever it is find some more fun in your day
And this last one is my favorite. , And this is something that I do every single day, surround yourself with energy chargers.
really what a energy charger is, is it just comes down to you feel better after having been around them. And it doesn't necessarily have to be [00:20:00] an actual person, although that helps if you have a person in your life, like a friend you can call up or spend time with, or someone at work that you need to vent to or talk to, or your spouse, anyone really.
. But it doesn't have to be someone that you know personally. This could be someone who you just follow on Instagram. This could be a podcast that you listen to. .. , I have a ton of them. I listen to podcasts every day.
So I have a library of energy chargers that I turn to every morning to just inspire me and get me ready for the day, and just improve my energy so that I can kinda set the tone for how my day is gonna go
So most of them are inspirational or educational or some kind of spiritual content. Another thing that I do is I love watching stand-up comedy. Like, if I'm in a down mood, if I turn on stand-up comedy, that just completely transforms my energy, and I love to belly laugh
Or maybe it's just reading a good book. I love to read a good book.
It can really be anyone that [00:21:00] changes your state from being down to better. So who are your energy chargers? Hopefully I'm one of them
Oh, and the final one is have gratitude. So even if you have a really shitty day, even if things aren't going that great in your life, look for the good Think of something good that happened that day. Think of something that you are grateful for in your life. Train your brain to focus on the good
. It could be something as simple as being grateful for having an abundance of water, or having working limbs, or having hair
maybe you didn't hit any traffic on the way into work. Maybe they played your favorite song on the radio. Maybe you found your favorite shoes in your size. It could be something so small
And back to my my horror movie point, pay attention to what you're consuming. I know a lot of people watch the news, and it's good to be informed and everything, but I feel like the news just caters to that fear-mongering. It's like it's [00:22:00] always wanting you to be scared about something. It's always feeding you all of the things that are going bad in the world
For me, it was horror movies. it could be scandalous TV shows that are just filled with drama. It could be mindless scrolling
Whatever you're exposing yourself to can either fill your energy tank or deplete it
And watch out for energy vampires these vampires will leave your tank on E
Oftentimes you were just gonna feel drained after being around them. Or it could even be creators that after you watch their videos, you feel less than. You feel less confident. You feel more self-conscious. You feel worse about yourself after watching their videos, not necessarily meaning that is their intention, I actually found myself feeling this way after watching a few creators, and you know what I did?
I unfollowed them, or you hide them from your feed. If they're not making you feel good after watching their content, take them away
These [00:23:00] two things took me a really long time to pay attention to, was the energy vampires and then the content creators that made me feel worse about myself
You know, I've always been a really good listener. I've always been that friend who's always wanted to help out and help someone with their problems, give them advice. But then I started noticing that with certain friends over the last, you know, 20-plus years that I was always the one giving, and they were always the one taking.
And I'm not saying that you can't be there for a friend, - because we all know we need that friend when we're down or we're going through a hard time. But I'm saying that if you feel like it's usually one-sided, where they're the ones always making the withdrawal from the friend account, and you're always making the deposits, it will leave the account bankrupt
So it's one thing to help a friend during a tough season, but it's a completely other thing if [00:24:00] you become their dump when they need to do their weekly trash haul
Once you have a good energy and you're feeling good, it's also just as important to protect your energy as it is to be aware of it and to clear it or improve it
So just set boundaries and be very aware of who gets access to your energy
You can always love them from a distance
So this week or today, pay attention to your energy
... Ask yourself, "What am I bringing into this conversation, into this room, into this relationship?"
Notice what changes my energy
How do people typically respond to me?
Who or what charges me? Who or what drains me?
And I'm not saying you have to judge it, just notice it for right now
Because you can't control everyone else's energy, but you can be aware of your own and be more intentional about how you use it
so what do you think people would say about your energy?
All right. That's what I have for you guys today. Thank you so much for spending your time [00:25:00] and your energy with me. And if you're not already following me, follow me over on Instagram at Starlit Success or YouTube, all the platforms. I would love to see you there. Drop me a DM, send me a note, tell me what you thought.
See you in the next episode
