EP38 - Gratitude Isn't Just Counting Your Blessings (Here's What You're Missing)
[00:00:00] You're like the stars in outer space. Something about you radiates. And it feels so nice, and it feels so nice, yeah
So how would you feel if you had something, lost it, and then could never get it back?
Maybe it's something you didn't even think about. Maybe you didn't even have to work for. You didn't even really pay attention that it was even there
Maybe it's not even a thing. Maybe it's not even something that you necessarily own
something like the sun. What if you had to live in darkness for the rest of your life? Like, how grateful would you be for one more sunny day
And then think like how many times have you actually been grateful that the sun came up today?
I think it's really interesting how much we value things when we don't have them anymore, or if there's even just like a threat to losing them
Since we're talking about sunshine, this is actually one of the reasons that I really wanted to move to Florida, because in Wisconsin, you will have long stretches of gray skies. And sometimes it's not even so much the cold that'll [00:01:00] get to you, but it's just the lack of sunshine.
And that's something that I never even realized that I took for granted until there was long periods of time where I didn't have it.
I was just so thankful to have the sun back
think about your own life. Like what in your own life has become so normal or so expected that you don't even realize just how valuable it is to you?
It could be something as simple as driving your kid to practice or getting up and walking to the bathroom in the morning or a hot shower
Think about how much of your life would start to feel more like a gift
If you knew you were about to lose it
But this is the part to me where I think gratitude gets really interesting. What about the parts of your life that you are not really grateful for?
Like the shitty, hard, difficult parts of life
Maybe it was that like really hard lesson that you had to learn or that really tough breakup that you had to go through
Maybe it was that thing that you really wanted but it just didn't work [00:02:00] out
you ever wonder how your life would be different if you never went through that?
You ever think about like what it was actually there to maybe teach you? Maybe it happened because it was protecting you from something. Maybe it happened because it was redirecting you somewhere else
You ever think about like how you actually grew as a person from having gone through that?
So I look at it like, what if gratitude isn't just about being grateful for all of the things that you have and all of the things that are going well?
What if it's looking back on some of the hardest things that you've ever had to go through
and realizing now how grateful you are for having gone through those experiences
hi, I'm Jessica, and you are listening to the Starlit Success podcast. And today, I wanna completely change the way you think about gratitude
Because to me, gratitude isn't just about being grateful for all of the good things that you have in life, like your health your family and your house, all of the things that we think that we should be [00:03:00] grateful for
I look at it like it's learning how to pay attention to all of the good things that are already there, the things that you are probably not even noticing
and then also having gratitude for really the good that is hidden in the difficult experiences that you're going through. And then also having gratitude for all the good that's on the way
. I believe having gratitude is honestly one of the simplest ways to be happier, and also to attract more of what you want
one of the easiest places to start is just by noticing all of the good that's already around you
The things that are just normal to you, that have just become part of your everyday life. They don't seem magical or fantastic or amazing, but there is good there
And honestly, some of the things that you don't notice or that you're not paying attention to, that you may not necessarily appreciate as much as you should, could be life-changing to someone else.
Some of the most basic things [00:04:00] normal everyday parts of life that we don't even pay attention to, like waking up and opening your eyes and seeing your room, or walking to the kitchen with your legs and opening the fridge and seeing food, or kissing your kids or your spouse goodbye before they go to school or work
Like none of that probably felt that amazing. It probably just felt like your normal routine
But now imagine never being able to do any one of those things again
How much would you give to be able to do that? You've probably experienced some minor inconvenience at one point or another where it made you think about how much you really appreciate whatever it is that you lost.
Like your car breaks down and you're like, "Goddammit," like, "What am I, what am I supposed to do? How am I gonna get to work?" Or your hot water goes out and now you're like, "Oh my God, what I wouldn't give for a hot shower." Or your power goes out and you're like, "Oh my God, now I can't watch my favorite Netflix show.
My phone's gonna die. [00:05:00] I can't do XYZ."
Like, how important were those things when you lost them? But you don't even think about them on a day-to-day basis. I'm not thinking about my power. I'm not thinking about my car. I'm not thinking about any of that
And it's like once you lose something, they become so much more valuable It's kinda like that idea, like you don't know what you have until it's gone
Like how many things would we have to lose to realize that they're actually already worth appreciating?
We went through this when we were moving from Wisconsin to Florida.
So there was a two-week shipping timeframe that we were given from U-Haul to move all of our pods down. So we had to decide do we keep our stuff in Wisconsin as long as we can and then live without it for a little bit in Florida or do we have it picked up from Wisconsin sooner and live without our stuff in Wisconsin and then have it in Florida when we arrive?
So we decided we would rather not have our stuff in Wisconsin 'cause we have more resources, more friends, more family that [00:06:00] we can depend on if we needed stuff than we do in Florida. So we went without our stuff for almost two weeks.
It was challenging
We had to pack up all of our furniture, so we were sleeping on air mattresses.
We had lamps set up on boxes. Most of our stuff was gone. We had very limited clothing and shoes. Many of the rooms didn't have TVs in them anymore.
in a sense, we were kind of camping in our own house
And I remember Javen walking in my room one day, and he was kinda disturbed at how everything was echoing when we talked because everything was gone. We didn't have any furniture. We didn't have anything on the walls
And I thought it was really sweet that he recognized not having all of our stuff made him so grateful for everything that we did have. But it wasn't even a thought in his head before that. It wasn't really a thought in my head until we had to live without it
we would have never been sitting around thankful for our couch or our nightstand or our TV It's just something that we've always had. You don't even think about it
[00:07:00] But it's not even really about our stuff.
think about the things that you have that you don't necessarily own. They're not even really things. Things like hearing your kid's voice in the morning Zanden comes in my bedroom every morning to wake me up and to go outside and have breakfast with him. Being able to call your mom, that was one thing that I did every day until I now live with her, so now I can just walk in the other room and talk to her
Things like walking your dog around the block, your freedom
things that you never even worked for, things you never bought. Maybe they're not even things that you manifested, that you tried to create. They were just there
and because they've always been there
Sometimes those are the things that are easiest to overlook
I look at it like maybe gratitude isn't looking for more reasons to be grateful
Maybe it's noticing all of the reasons that you already have
. Because I don't think anything really even has to change in your life for you to start appreciating what you already have
And of [00:08:00] course, it's a lot easier to be grateful for things when everything is going good
But what about when it's not?
What about all the annoying shit that happens all the time?
What about when things are going to hell?
. Maybe there's a job loss. Maybe there's a bad breakup.
what about that terrible injury? Like what about all the shit that you didn't fucking ask for?
Maybe there's something in those things that you can find a reason to be grateful for too
I'm not saying that you have to pretend that something really shitty is like all lollipops and rainbows
you don't have to be happy that something didn't work out or that you got injured or you lost something really important to you
But with time, could you look back and find something in that experience that maybe now you're grateful for?
Sometimes this could be something as simple as looking at that annoying shit that happens every day and finding little moments of gratitude when those things happen
Like maybe you get stuck in traffic, [00:09:00] or if you're from the town that I'm from in Wisconsin, you get stuck at a train. You get stuck at a train every other fricking day. And instead of being pissed about it, maybe you sit there and you're like, "You know what? I'm grateful for these extra few minutes because now I can call my mom, or now I can finish that podcast episode that I was really into
Eddie got a flat tire not that long ago, thankfully, we got the warranty on it. We had just gotten it replaced, now he has to deal with it again. Now we have to call the dealership and deal with the warranty, and we had to have the AAA or roadside or whatever come out and change it.
Yes, we pay for that. No, Eddie doesn't wanna change tires if he doesn't have to. It was so annoying. But I looked back and I was like, "You know what? I am so grateful that it happened when it did." Because the week prior, he was traveling for work, and I think he was in Iowa or somewhere far enough away. It was at least three to five hours away.
And I was thinking, like, if this would've happened when he was there, this would've been way more of a headache because now [00:10:00] the dealership that has the warranty isn't where he was traveling. So now what? Would we have had to pay for a brand-new tire when it was already covered?
I'm not saying we were happy he got a flat tire. I was finding the good in it. I was finding what I should be grateful for in that moment, and I was grateful that it happened close to home where I could help him, where we had the warranty, and we could resolve it so much easier than we could have when he was out of town
Like the inconvenience itself is still inconvenient
Finding something good in it doesn't mean that it wasn't bad or it wasn't annoying
But what I think it does is it changes how you let that experience affect you
Because you could let the shitty part of it be the only thing that you take away from it
Or you can acknowledge that it sucked
And look for something useful, meaningful, or valuable in it
Because if the, the bad part [00:11:00] already happened, the annoying part already happened, why would you only want that part to be the only thing that you take from it?
So by now you may have already heard my story about the years of feeling unfulfilled in the work that I was doing. And in the moment, like during the whole process, I wasn't grateful for it. I was feeling stuck. I was feeling confused. I was feeling lost. I wasn't having any good feelings about it at all Matter of fact, I kept feeling like, "Why the hell does this keep happening to me?
Like, why can't I just find somewhere where I'm happy?"
But now I'm super grateful for that experience because if I would have been happy, if I would have been good and comfortable, then I wouldn't have gone on this journey of self-discovery. I wouldn't have gone inward to get to know myself better and understand what it is that I truly wanna do I would have continued to keep looking outward for something else [00:12:00] to fulfill me I wonder, like, would I have ever developed this desire for wanting more out of life if I would've just been happy doing whatever work I was doing like would Starlit success even exist?
. I don't think I would've questioned anything .. because I wouldn't have had a reason to question anything
Maybe me being uncomfortable was information. Maybe it was just something that I was supposed to pay attention to, especially after I realized it became a pattern
Sometimes you don't even recognize what an experience gave you until years later
And that's why I think it's worth asking, like even when something isn't going your way is there something here I should be grateful for in the moment?
Should I be learning something from this experience? Could I be gaining something from this? Maybe not right this second, but maybe eventually it'll show me
because what you focus on grows. And if you choose to only focus [00:13:00] on the negative, then that is what you will be spending your energy on
If you start practicing how to notice what's good even when it feels bad
I feel like then you start getting better at noticing the good.
It gives you an opportunity to kinda step back and see the bigger picture, and you're not, like, staring at the problem in its face. You're kind of looking at it from a bird's-eye view. Like, what else is this here to show me?
I'm not saying you should ignore whatever's wrong. I'm just saying don't let whatever's wrong be the only thing that you see
Another thing I've noticed is sometimes nothing even has to be wrong for us to stop feeling grateful
Maybe it's something as simple as just looking at someone else's life
Especially through the social media lens
You may have been perfectly happy with your life five minutes ago. Nothing was wrong, no issues And now, whatever you saw on social media, all of a sudden your life [00:14:00] does not feel good enough anymore
You know exactly what I'm talking about in social media. We all know that's the highlight reel
We see things all the time that can instantly make us not feel grateful for the life that we already have
I know it happens to me all the time. I look at other people and instantly I feel behind. I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm not doing as well as them
But what comparison does is it blinds you to what you already have
Because it's shifting your attention towards what you're missing.
You can literally be sitting in a beautiful house Healthy family, bills paid, living somewhere that maybe one day you just dreamed of But then you see someone else's bigger house. Maybe it's more beautiful
. Maybe they went on a better vacation than you. Maybe they have a bigger following than you
And then all of a sudden your life feels like it's not good enough nothing about your life changed, your attention did
There's a quote that I love from Oprah, and she says Be thankful for what you have and you'll end up having more
If you concentrate on what you don't have, [00:15:00] you'll never have enough
And the crazy part is we're comparing our lives to someone else's life who we don't even really have the full story on We see the end result. We don't see everything that it took to get there
The overnight success that you are looking at that you think was an overnight success might have taken 10 years of failing and figuring shit out
We don't see the money they lost. We don't see the things that didn't work out or the sacrifices they made
Or even if none of that happened and they're just stupid successful, and they didn't have to go through any trials and tribulations to get there good for them
You don't have to find the downside in someone else's success in order for you to be grateful for what you have
You don't even know what you're learning right now that could be preparing you for what's next
And someone being ahead of you does not automatically mean that you're behind
Their timeline has nothing to do with yours
And if you're gonna compare yourself to anyone, compare yourself to the past version of [00:16:00] yourself. Compare yourself to the version of yourself five years ago, 10 years ago
What do you have today that the version of you five years ago would be so excited about?
What is something that you can do now that then wouldn't have even been an option?
What have you created? How have you changed?
I get stuck in this all the time. I catch myself comparing myself to these other online coaches or creators who are so much further ahead than me, and I have to stop myself and realize they're on a completely different timeline than me. But if I stop and I reflect and I look at where I am now to where I was five years ago, I'm so proud of myself, and I'm so grateful for all the experiences I've had, all the lessons that I've learned, and how I've grown as a result
we just spend so much time looking at how far away we are from someone else That we forget to look how far we've come ourselves
You may not be where you wanna be yet. I know I'm not where I wanna be yet But you're also [00:17:00] probably not where you started
Be grateful for the journey that you're on and not just what you're trying to get
and not only just be grateful for it, like appreciate it. Find the joy in it. Have fun with it
Instead of letting someone else's success make you feel like you're not enough
. Let it just remind you what's possible for you and all the good things that you have to look forward to
And that brings me to probably my favorite way of practicing gratitude And that is being grateful for things that haven't even happened yet Not just appreciating what you already have, but being grateful for what's coming
this is where my spiritual, like, woo-woo side comes in, and I touched on this a little bit in my Manifestation Ain't Magic episode
Instead of constantly asking your higher power for what you want, start thanking them for already having it
Before you have any evidence or proof that it's going to happen
so basically you're just practicing gratitude in advance
So instead of like, "Please let this [00:18:00] work out," like, "Thank you for working this out."
Because asking for it, praying for it, pleading for it it can come from a place of fear. It can come from a place of lack or like you need it Whereas when you're thanking them for already having it, you're coming from a place of trust. You're coming from a place of faith
And you're also coming from a place of expectation
before we moved, I was constantly, every night, thankful for having found the perfect tenants. I was thankful for having found the perfect Florida house. I was thankful for Eddie finding a job that he really liked and that was paying well. I was thankful for Zanden and him getting settled and feeling at ease
All before any of those things happened I never knew how they were actually gonna play out
But like important note here, I wasn't just thanking the universe for making all of these things happen. We still had to do a [00:19:00] lot in the process
there was a lot of work involved. We still had to look for tenants and do the showings and look for property managers and look for the place here. And Eddie had to look for jobs. Like there was still a shit ton of work to do
But when you combine that action with the faith of knowing that it's all gonna work out
It helps you loosen your grip on how it's gonna happen
it helped me take action and do the things that we had to do while also surrendering to the final outcome
I just feel like expectation is such a higher frequency than desperation or, anxiety or fear
So whether you're grateful for something you already have or if it was something really difficult that taught you something
or maybe it's the journey you're on or something that you're still waiting for
The point is to actually just practice looking for it
And none of this has to be super complicated. I'm not saying that you need some beautiful gratitude journal or you have to have like [00:20:00] some 30-minute morning routine
If I write in my journal that day, if I write in my journal that day, I do not write in my journal every day, but I just make like a quick list
like write a few lines of what I'm grateful for that day. , It's actually interesting to see the variety of different things that I'm grateful for each day. some days it could be, you know, something really deep like family and love and connection, and other days it could be like, I'm thankful for my books. I'm thankful for the internet
if that's one of the days that I don't write in my journal, I just think about it at night.
It doesn't matter how you do it, how you practice gratitude. It could be writing them on a sticky note or just thinking about it before you go to sleep
It's really whatever works for you
The point isn't how you do it, the point is just that you're looking for things to be grateful for
So think of something that you're probably taking for granted right now
but that you are grateful for It could be something as simple as having a comfy bed or having electricity
also ask yourself like, "What isn't going my way right now? [00:21:00] What is something that I wish wasn't happening right now?" And is there anything in this experience that I could find some good in?
Another one is ask yourself today, what is something that a past version of myself would be grateful for now?
And what is something that I really want that I could start practicing gratitude for in advance?
Maybe nothing in your life has to dramatically change
Maybe there are dozens of things around you that you just stopped noticing
So I don't think you need more reasons to be grateful. I just think you need to pay attention to all of the reasons you already have
And I also believe when you start training yourself to focus on all the abundance that's already in your life, all you do is you just attract more of it
Thanks for listening, guys. That's what I have for you today. Thanks for spending your time and energy with me I will see you on the next episode
