EP41 You're Scared of Change but Tired of the Same - How To Choose Your Hard
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[00:00:00] You know that phrase, "Life's a bitch, and then you die"? "
Or something doesn't go your way or something's, like, unfair and someone says, "Yeah, well life's not fair
or like when you were a kid and you were complaining about something and your parents or someone was like, "Well, just wait until you get in the real world."
We've heard our whole lives that life is hard
And yes, between working and bills and kids and relationships and housework, yeah, there's a lot of hard shit
But what I don't think a lot of people realize is even the people who look like they have a really easy or amazing life, they've had to do some hard shit too
Maybe they didn't just get handed an easier life. Maybe they just chose a different kind of hard
I believe life is all about choices and I honestly believe that some of the most life-changing decisions that we can make is the different types of hard that we choose
And you're probably like, "What the are you talking about, Jess? Like, why would anybody choose something hard?" Let me just explain. The easy choices are easy, I'm gonna give you an example. So you know Eddie was just [00:01:00] looking for jobs.
I've shared that a few times on my episodes And throughout this process, he had four offers And looking at those offers, he looks at the most obvious. He looks at pay, he looks at benefits, he looks at hours, he looks at job responsibilities, location
all of the things that he needs to consider whether or not one offer is better than another
So he evaluates all the different options that he has, and he makes the best choice It's a little time-consuming, but, you know, it's not rocket science. Basically, just pick whatever one is the best fit overall and checks, like, the majority of the boxes that you're looking for
And you're done. To me, that's, that's easy
But my point is when you don't have an easy choice what if every option that you have means giving something else up that you really care about or that's really important to you?
So now we're gonna go into a hard decision. Let's say you have a job , and it's a job that you absolutely hate You dread it. You get the Sunday scaries. You get the [00:02:00] Monday morning blues
Maybe you hate your boss. Maybe you hate the type of work you do. Maybe you hate your coworkers, whatever it is
But let's say you get paid well. Let's say your family is financially secure.
You have a nice house, you have everything you need, you're able to take vacations
But you come home every single night beat down and stressed the out You talk about it constantly. You complain about it all the time. . Your mental health is suffering
And it starts to consume you and maybe your family even starts to feel it
So I use this example because I have been there. . I was that person
If you've heard my story, I quit a really good job that paid really well when I was much younger, when Javen was a baby
I had been there for almost nine years, but Eddie had just lost his job about a year before that, and he still wasn't working but I was absolutely miserable. Like, I couldn't stand the thought of having to go into work every day [00:03:00] anymore. I was just so worn down after being there for almost nine years that every day was a struggle But I think what made it so much worse was having to leave Javen every day.
Having to leave my adorable baby to go be miserable every day
It was already so hard to kiss his little chubby face goodbye every morning. Even if I would've been going to a job that I liked, that would've been hard
If you're a mom or a parent who's ever had to leave your baby and go to work, you know exactly what I'm talking about
. But I had to make a decision. Like, do I choose being miserable every day while missing my baby, but being better off financially?
Or do I sacrifice our finances even more than they already are
but be happier and more fulfilled being home with Javen
Either option for me was hard. This was not an easy decision
But what I learned at that time was you have to choose your hard
Which one, which decision in your gut feels like the better [00:04:00] choice?
And I just felt it so strongly that I had to leave
But just think about this, you know? Eddie wasn't working. I was only 26. Javen was one. We had a mortgage. We had bills. We had probably car payments at the time
Like, it did not look like a responsible decision
And I'm not gonna lie, like we were broke as... Like, you know what I'm saying? Broke our idea of a fun weekend during that time was renting a movie from the Red Box and getting Qdoba. Like that was the highlight of our weekend
But you know what? I found peace. I found fulfillment. And I got two years at home with Javen, two years he probably doesn't remember, but they're two years that I will forever cherish
I also believe that when you make hard choices like this, you can change the trajectory of your life
I wasn't even aware that when I was making this decision that it would lead me down this completely different career path that would eventually lead me into project management at the software company
and I had no [00:05:00] idea that any of that was gonna happen when I made that decision
But I wanna make it clear, you know, choosing to leave my job and staying home with Javen was a conscious decision I knew what I was doing
I knew there was a decision to be made, and I knew what sacrifices I was making
But what if you don't even realize that you're choosing something hard? What if it's not a conscious decision you're even making?
What if it's just something you've been settling for?
Let's say you're in a situation that you're not happy in - and maybe you've been unhappy for years
But doing something about it and making a change feels really scary
I think of the saying, you know the devil you got, but you don't know the devil you're gonna get
I feel like your brain will always prefer a familiar pain over something that it doesn't know, over something unfamiliar
Because it knows what to expect
- And sometimes I think this can be even harder to notice what's happening because you're not exactly [00:06:00] miserable maybe whatever it is isn't that difficult. Maybe it's not that painful . But deep down, like you know it could be better maybe it's a relationship that you're in Maybe you care about the person, but things have changed and you know that you're really not in love anymore
Maybe it's a job. maybe it's a job that you don't necessarily hate, and maybe you don't really dread it But maybe there's no room for growth. Maybe you don't really like what you're doing anymore Maybe it's just not that interesting to you anymore or maybe it's just a mundane life that you feel like you're just repeating the same day over and over
Whatever it is, you're not feeling that spark
There's no excitement. It's not fulfilling. It doesn't challenge you anymore
That's where I was a few years ago I just felt like my life was just like this hamster wheel just doing the same things over and over again. Like, I felt like I was just constantly running, but I wasn't actually going anywhere
Don't get me wrong, like I still very much love my husband, our kids, our home, our family, our friends
[00:07:00] I still loved all of our traditions and all the memories we were making
It was just that autopilot feeling
Like nothing interesting was happening in our day-to-day lives anymore
But not only did the days feel like they were repeating themselves
I was also starting to feel like the years were on repeat
We hosted all the same parties. We did our weekend boat days at the same lake. We went to the same fireworks every year
And to be honest, . It's kinda hard to put into words because I'm not saying that I didn't enjoy doing those things
I didn't necessarily want, like, a completely different life. I just wanted to feel excited about the life I was living
It kind of felt like we had just been doing the same things for so long
that even the fun things started to feel like routine which is another one of the reasons that I wanted to move We wanted like a sense of adventure. We wanted new experiences. We wanted new memories
And making the decision to move was so hard. leaving friends and family is really hard. Leaving a home and a community that [00:08:00] we loved was really hard
But I also knew that by settling for what was familiar and what was comfortable
was choosing to continue to live the same life
I didn't wanna look back five years later and risk feeling the same way that I was feeling because I truly believe whatever you're not changing, you're choosing So again, we had to choose our hard
I feel like anything worth doing doesn't typically come easy
And making a big change can be really hard, but choosing to stay exactly where you are can be just as painful
But choosing a different hard doesn't necessarily mean that you have to abandon everything you know
Of course, there are some things that you might have to leave
If you've already done everything in your power to make things right
But I'm not saying that you have to end your relationship or you have to quit your job or you have to leave your hometown
If you feel it in your gut that you're not happy anymore, then you have to choose to change whatever is in your control
Sometimes choosing your hard [00:09:00] can simply be just having a really difficult conversation
It could mean just putting in a lot more effort
It could mean trying something completely new that you've never done before
Or it could just mean finally doing something you've been putting off for years
It could just mean working on whatever it is that you're not happy with, and making that hard choice to get uncomfortable instead of walking away from it You know, I realized I wasn't being fulfilled in my career anymore
That didn't mean I quit my job, especially when I realized that it was a pattern that I was feeling unfulfilled at multiple jobs over the course of many years
So I realized like it's not the job itself . And I also realized, like I wasn't exactly miserable I just felt like there was something bigger that I had to explore
I didn't need to throw everything away. I just needed to start making room for something else
I look at it like I was building a bridge towards the life that I wanted instead of just jumping off of a cliff and hoping something would catch me
I realized, like, I was gonna have to do something different, and all of it was super hard and [00:10:00] scary
Especially this podcast. This podcast is not easy
I'm putting myself out here every week sharing really personal stories, sharing my internal thoughts and feelings, and I'm doing it in Also, just like being a complete beginner at something and being completely vulnerable to what other people might think
That shit's scary. That shit's scary and hard
But it's also like the boring, time-consuming, like editing, all the admin stuff that goes along with podcasting. That's not easy either
But for me, it's the better hard. It's the hard that I would rather choose It's the hard that feels more aligned, more fulfilled, more purpose-driven.
And being of service to others feels good
I feel like it's the harder but more worthwhile choice to have the potential to change the lives of others
and also move me closer to a life that I see for myself and my family.
So maybe you're facing a really tough decision and both options come with sacrifices
[00:11:00] or maybe you're settling for something right now, and you don't even realize that by not making a change, you're actually making a choice
But maybe it's not consciously
or maybe you already know what you want to explore
But you've been putting it off because it feels scary or it feels overwhelming
But ask yourself like, what is the hard choice that will make your future self proud of you?
What will make your life easier, happier, and more fulfilling in the future?
So this week, I just want you to ask yourself
What hard am I choosing right now?
and then ask yourself, is making this choice moving me closer to the life that I want, or is it keeping me where I am?
You do not have to change your entire life tomorrow
but you do have to realize that doing nothing is a choice
And I truly believe that all the choices that you make today will affect your tomorrow
All right, guys, this was a deep one. I know. It's not easy. I've had to make some really tough choices in the past, and I've had to learn a lot of hard [00:12:00] lessons. But you'll know. You'll feel it. You know what the better hard is for you.
So just take some time to reflect, and I would love to hear what hard decisions are you thinking about right now?
What hard choices do you have to make?
I'm wishing you the best with your decisions. I know it's not easy, but you got this, and I'm rooting for you. So thank you for spending your time and energy with me today, and I will see you on the next episode.
